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Crunkgrinder Blog

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Crunkgrinder

Never?

Posted by Crunkgrinder Apr 23, 2017

There are a lot of things we think we'll never do. We'll never take that first puff that made us into addicts. We'll never take that second puff because the first one was so awful, how could anyone actually get addicted to this? We'll never quit because we like the sensation of smoking. We'll never see ourselves being able to quit. We'll never hit those big milestones we see others here hit (1 month, 100 days, 1000 days, even 1 day). I remember when I first came to this site and I saw members here that were up into the thousands of numbers of days since they had smoked their last cigarette and I never thought I'd get there.

 

There were days when I was a kid when I thought I'd never be an adult and be able to make my own choices. There were days when I thought I would never make it through high school, never make it to college. I never thought I'd move to Florida and live so close to the ocean I had never seen. I never thought I'd own a house at the age of 21. I never thought I'd find a job I liked and be self sufficient.

When you're in the moment, the future seems so far away that you'll never get there, but once it's in the past, you wonder where the time went. You really never know...

 

The future may surprise you.

Crunkgrinder

Day 1401

Posted by Crunkgrinder Apr 21, 2017

It's been 1400 days and I'm rapidly approaching 4 years nicotine free. I can easily go months at a time without thinking about smoking, so it's almost too easy to put this site at the back of my mind.

 

I recently got back a copy of Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking that I forgot I had. My mom let someone borrow it and they probably had it for over three years (although I'm not so sure they ever read it). That book changed my perception so drastically that I still will recommend it to even non-smokers so that they can better understand nicotine addiction. So far I'm still not sure if anyone has actually taken my advice, but I still find it worth the try. I plan on re-reading it myself before I loan it out again.

 

I'm not entirely sure when my last update was. Since my original quit date, I had moved for a year while attending college, broke up with an ex, started dating my current boyfriend of three years, moved back with my parents for a couple of months, moved to Florida, saw the ocean for the first time (and dolphins!), swam with manatees, canoed with alligators, went to Jamaica, moved BACK from Florida, started volunteering at my local shelter again, got a job at a bank, bought a house and adopted three more dogs (on top of the one I already had). I've done all this without ever smoking one cigarette.

 

Life goes on.

Description

I'm Taylor. I am 20 years old and I LOVE animals. I have a dog named Cappuccino who is almost 9 years old. I have a certificate in photography and I recently moved to Florida from Nebraska where I was born and lived for 19 years. I love nature, the ocean and its incredible creatures. I dream to live tiny in a custom built tiny house and to be environmentally conscious.


Brief Description

I'm 20 and I love animals, photography, and the planet :*


Website

No website in profile.


Location

florida


Interests

animals, photography, art, the ocean, nature, tiny houses


Skills

No skills in profile.


Crunkgrinder

Day 999

Posted by Crunkgrinder Mar 14, 2016

I know I haven't been here for over 7 months, but I am still hanging in there. I love when I come back after a long time to see all the new members, early in their quits. You are all potential six percenters! 

Many of the elders will recognize me, because 998 days ago I was on day 1. This site helped me get here. I am not an active member, but I am certain that if it weren't for what I learned here, I probably would have relapsed by now.

I just turned 21 on February 27th, so I am way outside of the usual demographic here. I had been smoking for 5 (or 6?) years and quit months after I turned 18, because I didn't want to be trapped for life. I was about to move for the first time in my life for college, and it was a great excuse for me to kick the addiction. I firmly believe that distancing myself from my daily routine I had developed really helped me keep my quit during the hardest part of it.

I was not a smoker for very long, but at the time I had been smoking for almost a third of my entire life, so it was difficult to imagine my life without cigarettes. I was scared that I wouldn't know what to do without them, but I had no reason to be. I didn't give anything up when I quit; It only got better from there. Do I still have struggles every once in awhile? Yes. I almost feel like it gets harder the more complacent you get in your quit. Don't let that scare you away - the truth is, you are more than a smoker, I am more than an ex-smoker. I am a daughter, a girlfriend, an owner to a dog, two guinea pigs and a tortoise, an animal activist, a photographer, a nature lover, someone who dreams of having her own tiny house and traveling the world, a person of depth an emotion who is much more complex and individual than just an ex nicotine addict.

So is it difficult sometimes, almost 1000 days into a quit? Yes, at times. But it isn't that one dimensional. In fact, it is only here I am really known as an ex smoker. No one I know in person ever looks at me and thinks, "she used to be a smoker". There is a lot more to me and to my life. It can be hard, but most of the time I am not thinking about it, I am busy living my life of freedom.

I am no longer a slave.

Crunkgrinder

Day 776

Posted by Crunkgrinder Aug 5, 2015
I admit, in some ways, the longer you stay quit the harder it can be. Some days I forget that I even used to smoke, I forget about the times when I had no money and no smokes and I would dig through my ashtrays trying to find a salvageable end, and the worst part is I forget about the reasons I quit in the first place. Quitting was not easy, those first months before I finally started to ease in and stopped thinking about it all the time were hard, but I kept going because I remembered the reasons I quit vividly. I have gotten to the point where there are fleeting moments I remember the addiction when I get a small wiff of smoke but I forget for a second why I have continued to say no for 775 days. This is the power of addiction. It is not a habit. Many things have changed for me since I quit. I have moved 3 times. I went from Nebraska to Florida and have been here for exactly a year now. I have a new boyfriend, a new job, a new house, new friends, a college certificate, new hobbies, new everything. Everything in my life has changed cometely and I have adapted, but I still get urges from the "habit" I broke over 2 years ago. I don't mean to scare anyone into thinking it doesn't get easier - believe me, it does. Time has flown by since the last blog I posted over 100 days ago. But it is a reminder to remember why you quit and why its so important to understand addiction. You can't have just one, no matter what your mind tells you, no matter what your dreams tell you. I made a choice 776 days ago. Here's to 776 days of freedom.
Crunkgrinder

Day 667

Posted by Crunkgrinder Apr 17, 2015
I have gradually went from having terrifying nightmares of slipping up and ruining my hard work to having dreams of having "just one" here and there without becoming an addict again and both are equally realistic. I have to remind myself that there is no such thing as just one and dreams are dreams no matter how realistic they feel. Maybe I'm lucky, but I don't really get cravings anymore. Maybe once in a while when I run into an old friend or place or other kind of trigger, I get nostalgic, but its nothing I can't handle. Its crazy how fast the days count up but I look back and realize that they aren't going by any faster, I was just afraid that day 667 seemed so far away. It's not that it's going by faster, just that I've stopped counting every single individual day. I remember reading blog posts from members that have reached 1000 days and beyond and thinking, I'm not sure if I can make it that far. I still have a ways to go but now I know that I can, and I will. We've all got to start somewhere and it isn't easy. My hope is that if you're reading this, whether you're still planning your quit or you're on day 1 or 10 or 100, that one day you'll be posting your own blog post on your day 667. And for those of you past day 667 I know that you'll never stop counting, even if some days you have to go back and take it one minute at a time like in the beginning. You're free, and no one can take that away from you but you.
Crunkgrinder

Day 500

Posted by Crunkgrinder Nov 1, 2014

I was lucky to have found this place early. I know that they say it's never too late to quit but the truth is that it's never too early. I smoked for 5 years, the most I usually would EVER smoke was half a pack a day, but some days I was so proud of myself for only smoking 3 or 4. I tried to limit myself to only 5 a day at regular intervals but that was turning into more like 6 or 7 a day.

Now I have 0 and I don't have to worry about numbers or intervals. I've saved around $750 and almost 3,000 cigarettes and a whole lotta headaches and health issues. Even my boyfriend I would have never met had I not quit, meaning I would have never moved to Florida and I'd still be in Nebraska going to school for something I didn't really want to do and freezing on top of it!

I can't say it was all easy, but it was all worth it in way more ways than I could've imagined when I started on day 1.

Crunkgrinder

Day 489

Posted by Crunkgrinder Oct 21, 2014

Four hundred eighty-nine days, it seems kind of crazy. I remember day 1 thinking how in the world will I ever make it to no man's land, let alone past it? After some time I got really good at not thinking a cigarette was a solution to any kind of problem I was dealing with, I found other coping methods and smoking wasn't an option. In fact, I think about smoking more in my dreams than I ever do while I'm awake. Last night I had a dream, and mine always feel so real, but for some reason I was smoking an "occasional" cigarette, that lie we try to tell ourselves that we can have "just one", and deep down thinking, how is this possible?

I know that there is no such thing as "just one" and my subconscious after 489 days is still trying to convince me otherwise in my sleep.

Don't let that scare you, those of you who are on day 1, or day 10, or day 30, or those who haven't even started yet. I am not tempted. I am not miserable. In fact, every time I have a dream that I've relapsed, I'm miserable in the dream, it's terrifying to think that you've thrown away 489 days of freedom for something you have worked so hard to purge from your life. The dreams only serve to remind me why I started this journey in the first place.

 

The last time I posted a blog I had mentioned that my boyfriends father, brother, and 3 neices and nephews house caught on fire in the middle of the night. They are all doing fine, they have another house and all the furniture they need and have had many people donate clothes and other supplies to them. They also kept their dog, Roxy, and were able to salvage some other things from their old home as well.

 

In other news, it's much harder to find a job here in Florida than it was in Nebraska, haha. I have filled out 11 applications in the last week. Unfortunately my job history doesn't look the greatest to potential employers, I've pretty much had a job since I was 16 which is about the youngest you can be but since I'm 19 and most employers don't ask for your age as long as you're over 18, I could be 30 with only 3 years of work history. I've also moved a lot between moving for college, and then moving back to my hometown after getting a certificate in photography to spend time with my parents for 2 months before coming down to Florida, so the longest length of time I've held a single job is a little over a year and my last job lasted only 2 months (the two months I spent at home with my parents, though it was an employer I had worked for previously and he knew it was a temporary thing).

My favorite job I've ever had (and one of the lowest paying jobs) was KFC/Taco Bell. I worked there 3 times, returned willingly the second two times and was given my job back on the spot. I loved the people I worked with. I had no fancy benefits (besides the $10 gift certificate I got from the manager one Christmas for being one of his favorite 2 employees) and he couldn't pay me much over minimum wage but it was a close-knit family like environment. I loved my manager, supervisors and co-workers and I worked harder because the things I did for the company and the store didn't ever go unnoticed by my manager. He's the only one I'll ever really need for a reference, he'll always give me a fantastic one. I wish I could still work there but I didn't want to be stuck in Nebraska forever. Hopefully I can find another job here that I love. That job is the main reason I am open to applying anywhere and I don't just go for jobs that have benefits and pay more than minimum wage. I can get away without it and I might miss out on something I'd really love.

Anyways, here's a couple pictures taken here in Florida

 

Crunkgrinder

Day 421 - House fire

Posted by Crunkgrinder Aug 14, 2014
  I am at a loss for words today.
   
  Yesterday morning at approximately 5:30 am my boyfriend and I were awaken by the house phone. We just moved to Florida a couple of weeks ago and currently live with his mom. It was his brother calling to say that the house he and his dad, two nephews and one niece lived in had burnt down.
   
  Having only been here for two weeks I had only been inside of that house once. A week ago his brother got into a car accident and his dad was scheduled to appear in court yesterday afternoon because the house they lived in was to be foreclosed. Although the fire was put out relatively quickly and the damage doesn't look like it affected the entire house from the outside, everything on the inside of the house is completely gone and anything that wasn't burned by the flames was melted by the heat.
   
  Now his older brother, disabled dad, and his two nephews and niece ages 7, 5, and 3 have no home. They are staying at a hotel currently provides by the Red Cross but they can only stay until tomorrow and their dog Roxy is still at the house (or what's left of it) because she has nowhere else to go, and because it rains in Florida all the time and it has been thunder storming all day, the only shelter she has is inside the part of the house that is still standing and there is a lot of debris that could hurt her not to mention the smell is probably affecting her sensitive nose. She is a bull dog and all the shelters around here are high-kill shelters.
   
  The oldest of the children, the 7 year old, was concerned about his brand new bike he just got for his birthday. The 5 year old kept asking when they were going to be allowed to go back inside and the 3 year old girl wanted her toys while they ran barefoot around the front yard because they barely had time to get out of the house.
   
  His dad was awakened by the smoke alarm and woke up the other four and got out with only a pair of boxers and his false teeth which only survived because they were submerged in water. He said the fire was only in the trash can when he was awoken and by the time they got out the heat and smoke was almost overwhelming. Fortunately he was the only one who needed any medical attention.  He was on oxygen for a brief amount of time.
   
  Everything they owned is gone and they only have one day left in the hotel. He's looking for places to rent but I don't know how that kind of stuff works when all personal documents such as his ID, ss card, birth certificate, diploma, etc... were all lost in the fire. They need all new belongings and furnishings and they had little to begin with. They also may not have any insurance coverage.
   
  For those of you wondering, the cause of the fire was an oil lamp they were using for light because the electricity was turned off the day before (thank goodness smoke alarms are battery operated, right?). They had a cat that could get in and out of the house through a hole of some sort and they think he may have knocked the lamp into the trash. He was reportedly seen outside of the house so they do believe he escaped the fire.
   
  Please keep them in your thoughts. They could sure use it.
Crunkgrinder

Day 418

Posted by Crunkgrinder Aug 11, 2014

My big news since the last time I posted (almost 100 days ago).. I'm in Florida now!

 

Much prettier than Nebraska. I am very close to the St. John's river which is huge compared to the Platte in Nebraska especially considering I'm near one of the widest parts of the river. I've never seen tall bridges like these - the ones designed so that tall boats can go under them.

We went to St. Augustine and I saw the lighthouse (the first I've ever seen in my life) and climbed to the top. They have two draw bridges and we went on a boat out into the ocean (which I have also never seen) and saw dolphins jumping out of the water near a big ship that was shrimping (free dolphin food!). Not to mention the ocean water is warm and there's nothing else like the waves in the ocean.

It really isn't hotter here this time a year than it is in Nebraska. It's humid, which doesn't bother me much except for when I walk outside and my glasses instantly fog up. There aren't near as many trees in Nebraska as there is in Florida which is strange because Nebraska is the arbor day state... I'm excited to be able to go TRICK OR TREATING for the first time in years because it won't be freezing outside on Halloween! I always hated Halloween in Nebraska because it was way too cold for me to dress up in anything but long pants and a thick jacket.

 

Hopefully once I establish residency I'll start figuring out where I'm going to go to college for sure. There is a college here that offers a zoo technician program but I'm also thinking about marine biology. I love all animals but I've always had something for the aquatic animals... They are so mysterious. One of my goals is to see a Manatee not in captivity. They are supposed to be more common in the St. John's river and creeks and springs around it, especially in the winter when the larger bodies of water get colder. My boyfriend's brother accidently stepped on a manatee in a creek not far from where we live once.

There have definitely been a lot of changes in my life since I quit and a lot of them probably NEVER would have happened had I not quit. The days just seem to count up faster and faster the further I get from day one. Things are only looking up from here!

Do something good for yourself, you are worth it.

Crunkgrinder

Day 323

Posted by Crunkgrinder May 8, 2014
  Ten and a half months ago I put out my last cigarette in my friends garage in the middle of summer. I was sitting on a metal chair and it was 8pm. I hadn't had a cigarette all day - I had ran out the day before and didn't intend on buying more. The friend of mine gave me my last one. It was like I had just hit 24 hours of my quit and had to reset to 0. It was a horrible cigarette and not a good thought passed through my head the entire 4 minutes I puffed on it. I didn't finish it before putting it out. I was done with nicotine with no intentions of looking back.
   
  I'll admit it wasn't easy, especially those first few days. After a month or so I struggled more with "smokemares" or nightmares of me ruining my quit that were very realistic. I changed everything. My surroundings, the town I lived in, my friends, the places I once hung out at to smoke, and also my outlook on life and otherwise my overall health. I don't regret it. Some friends I was once close with are very distant now... but I had to choose between my health and their bad decisions. I know how smokers are, not wanting to be trapped in their boat alone, not wanting to be the only one out of the group who (thinks they) just can't beat the demon. They wanted to quit but they didn't want to hear that their nicotine is not what they think. Because I associated such friends with what they would call "social smoking", a trigger that is only, again, by association with where and when I usually smoked, I had to choose to keep my distance. Today I think it would not be a hard trigger for me to deal with but I don't think I could stand the smell any longer or the utter boredom caused by sitting outside in the blistering heat smoking on a hard and uncomfortable metal chair doing nothing else but wishing I were inside in the air conditioning or at the very least engaged in an interesting conversation that didn't involve who was almost out of cigarettes and how many quarters had been saved up for the next pack or who could lend a few until payday and gross I don't smoke menthols until I have no other choice and my addiction is calling my name. Isn't social smoking fun?
   
  I'm moving to Florida this summer with my boyfriend, my dog and my two rats. I can take my dog for walks without having to catch my breath and boy does he love to sit in the sun. I get to spoil him (and sometimes myself) with all that money I'm not spending on cigarettes. Now if I could go back and put that all into the bank instead of throwing it away.
   
  I wouldn't go back and trade my freedom for anything.
Crunkgrinder

E-cigarettes

Posted by Crunkgrinder Apr 30, 2014

I know the sites general attitude towards e-cigarettes and I don't use them but has anyone ever gotten personally attacked for saying e-cigs are not quit smoking tools? I've figured out that I should keep my comments to myself because those who use or support e-cigarettes like worship them. Apparently no one cares about the addiction itself. I am told that they save lives and are completely harmless (and even if we find out one day that they aren't, they are still safer than regular cigarettes). So I have stopped saying anything because usually someone will scream at me for talking badly about something that has "quite literally saved his/her life".

Yet these people continue to vape with no intentions of quitting and call themselves ex smokers. Is it wrong that that offends me? That I did not take the easy way out and I actually beat the addiction 315 days ago yet they say they quit when they still inhale nicotine (probably more than they had before) on a daily basis? I mean, I get it, they can breathe better and have more energy but they still talk like smokers. They still have the mind of an addict which means they are stubborn as can be but they still put that little electric powered stick before everything important in their lives without realizing it.

And then they claim to like the e-cig. It's a "social thing". It's "fun and harmless". It "makes them look like a tool in public buildings" (okay I made that one up but I have always found that obnoxious). It's sad that I can't get them to realize that they don't need any nicotine to constantly have in their pockets (whether you need to make sure you have a lighter or a full battery) and you don't have to throw the money at them. The liquid is pretty cheap but they don't last forever and you have to replace certain parts on a regular basis.

 

And if anything else, I still don't trust the safety and I'm afraid if someone blows it in my face that their will be nicotine floating around in the vapor and that scares me to death. I don't want anyone to bring that crap into my house no matter how harmless. They can go outside if its 0 degrees or 110.

Crunkgrinder

Day 314

Posted by Crunkgrinder Apr 29, 2014
  Wow, it's been awhile. A lot of things have been going on. I am almost done with my photography certificate and am moving to Florida with my boyfriend come August, but we are moving out of our apartment next month to go stay with my parents for a couple months before we go.
   
  Lots of stuff planned for July! We're going to be camping a lot, going to Worlds of Fun in Kansas City, the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo (and also the Jacksonville Zoo once we get to Florida), some pictures for family members before I leave and my cousins wedding. This will be the most exciting summer I've had in years but unfortunately will also probably be my last. My mom doesn't want me to work for those two months so I can have the weekends off. 
   
  There is a college in Florida that has a zoo technology program but I'd have to wait until I can get in state tuition. Animals are my passion. Maybe I'll go on to be an animal photographer :p I want to volunteer at a shelter taking professional photos of the pets for adoption because its been proven that it helps adopt them out, but the local shelter already has a photographer.
   
  Not to mention my dog, fish, and pet rats are going with to Florida. My dog is just like me - LOVES summer and HATES the cold! I'm so excited because I think he is really going to like it there. And if for some reason I don't like it or something happens with my boyfriend, I can always come back to Nebraska.
   
  My quit got so much easier when I separated myself from the town I associated with smoking and the friends I had who were smokers. It's sad to see them go but I regret nothing about quitting. It's nowhere but up from here! It's still hard for me to believe I smoked my very last cigarette a little over 10 months ago. I had thought at one time that it was impossible. I was very wrong!
   
  Have a great smoke free day!
Crunkgrinder

Day 208

Posted by Crunkgrinder Jan 13, 2014
  What do I do?
   
  I don't want to go back to college today. I don't want to be a graphic designer, and I like photography but I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. I want to work with animals, away from people, live in a zoo or something. But I can't decide exactly what I want to do. Honestly, I don't want to be tied to just one thing. I want to work with all the animals, from domestic to wild, aquatic to arctic, insects to elephants. But I don't want to be a graphic designer - I don't have the patience for the art or the people.
   
  My boyfriend who just moved here from Florida wants to be a professional video gamer and that's what he's working towards. It's kind of a long shot, and he knows that. He knows that if it doesn't work out he's gonna go to college for some kind of computer technology. But even I can tell his passion is in the games and not the computers. He always tells me that his mom and I are the only ones who support his gaming. Why not? I'm 18. Life is too damn short to waste it doing something you don't want to do. If he doesn't at least try to reach his dream he'll spend the rest of his life wondering what would have happened if he did.
   
  My mom has quite a bit of money saved in a fund that I can't use for anything but college, but I don't want to waste it on graphic design school. I don't know what I'm gonna do with animals or how I'm gonna get there and I don't want to be pressured into figuring it out right now. That's kind of the reason I'm already in school for something I don't even really want to do. And she's kind of supportive but she really wants me to figure something out right now (she wants me to do law or something along with photography... the only way I'd ever do law is if I were in animal enforcement, the SPCA officers that get to arrest people on animal abuse/neglect charges).
   
  I just don't know.
   
  On a side note, last night I had the first smokemare I've had in awhile. Sometimes they seem so real they scare me half to death.
Crunkgrinder

Day 196

Posted by Crunkgrinder Jan 1, 2014

It's been awhile, and a lot of things have happened in the month since I've last posted! My ex moved out and my friend from Florida (whom I have known for 2.5 years but had never met in person) moved here to Nebraska. It costed $750 and a 22 hour drive but he's here, and I've never been so happy in my life.

So 2013 gave me a lot of things. I graduated high school, started college, became a vegetarian, got my first tattoo, got my own apartment, lost an aunt to breast cancer, got a new job, QUIT SMOKING!!!!, left a 3 year relationship and I ended it the happiest I have ever been. I have to thank 2013 for giving me him (and P.S. he isn't a smoker nor has he ever been).

I'm excited for 2014, it's going to be an amazing year. And it's going to be my first year in 5 smoke-free :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!