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CrazyQuitter Blog

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Well looks like I may never get my car back. The guys at the shop said that it was too unsafe for me to drive and they are right!

They are also going to test drive the car this week to see why my car is breaking down because it seems like everytime I am on the road it goes caput!

Well if worst comes to worse I can always save for a newer car. Cars can be replaced. But not you. But I'll always own an SUV of some kind. I love driving high up. It makes me feel so safe!

 

I am looking forward to 4 days straight of days off this week. I got Thurs,Fri and the weekend off! I have been trying to take advantage of all my spare time with music!

 

I currently have a crush on this girl at the moment, Yes I am bisexual but don't hold it against me lol

This Woman is a business owner and is a consultant. She is an empath like I am and she is very driven and goal orientated. She is a very kind individual. She had to re-open one of her Businesses  this week and has been flat out lately for her and a part of wishes I was there to give her a hand. We have been talking for a fair while on a dating website and a little bit of FB. I would like to eventually meet this girl to see if there is any potential there. But I am playing it cool and low key. She told me last night on the dating website that she thinks she really likes me! Only a couple of my friends know about this as far as I know! Now you all know lol

 

My goals this week are to try and stay sober more and write music like a boss.

Steady as she goes!

I just recovered from a nose bleed. I haven't had one of those since I was a teenager. I am in my mid 30s now!

I remember a time when I had a nose bleed that lasted 2 hours. My father had to drive me to the hospital!

I am a bit lightheaded. But I'm tough!

 

I had a bout of bad luck this week. First my mobile phone reception drops out - Long story short I managed to switch telco companies and replacing my phone.

Then on Halloween someone stole my skull ornament from my table out the front patio and I didn't find out until the day after.

Thurdly my  car yet again breaks down on the way to work, which I am also trying to fix. GEEZ I just had the fuel filter replaced!

 

Now the nose bleed!

 

But I have a feeling my luck will soon change. I got asked to do a hardstyles collab with the music. I am also working on lyrics for a synthwave collab and now I am trying to add vocals to my own material and that is slowly coming along!

 

Well in any case time will tell. But onward and upward!

My Halloween was really quiet. I dressed up, made sure I had candy for the trick or treaters. I remember last year I had at least 9 knocks from trick or treaters. This time I had none. I think the cool night weather and Covid had something to do with it. Bit of a contrast from last years!

Last night I only drank 2 drinks after work. I didn't want a third drink. It goes to show that I have more control over my drinking than I realize. I am actually proud of myself!

I have been really realistic about relationships lately. I am still avoiding the guy who works at the store and keep my friendship with him on the downlow. It's been helping my mood and my sanity alot! I realized that if anything did happen with me and this guy it wouldn't of worked out anyway so I think it was for the best. I don't think that I'll be ready to make any commitments with anyone just yet. I am happy just making new friends and maintaining the friendships I still have. I think that Music really is only love of my life! I am humble about all this and somewhat rather zen. My life is going to be rather quiet til December. I am looking forward to my Birthday, which falls on Dec 11th. I'll get getting a brand new PC for the songwriting! Which reminds me of what else I could be looking forward to:

 

  • Finishing that collab with my music - Getting anything done with music as you know is my passion!
  • Days off from work
  • A clean house
  • New home projects - Might spraypaint the coffee table!

 

I just learnt something really cool. The best way to have a great life is to MAKE every day a great day. Being productive is apart of it. But within balance!

CrazyQuitter

I am glad I quit

Posted by CrazyQuitter Oct 30, 2020

I remembered when I used to smoke. I was getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship and was fed the lie from my EX at that time that smoking relaxed me. I wasn't coping. I wasn't myself. I was in a really bad place in my life. Out of the blue I had decided to start smoking. 

My addiction got worse when I dated the guy after that. I ended up temporarily re-locating to be with him. He too was a smoker. He'd chain smoke and somehow that would rub off on me. He'd do rollies and I'd do tailors. Everytime we ran out of cancer sticks he'd roll what we call bumpers, which is when you re-roll what might be left in the cigarette butt and make it into another cancer stick. It was so gross! I went from smoking half a packet, to 1 packet a day to a carton of cigarettes in a space of a few days. 

I then started to feel tied down by this addiction. A friend of mine put me onto becomeanex and after many times of relapsing and NRTs I finnally kicked the disgusting habbit.

I am glad I quit. I resent starting in the first place. I hear that 90 percent of smoker's in Australia are depressed! That's a lot!

I am alot happier with out it. I concentrate on better things. I realize how pointless smoking is. I walk past someone who smokes or has had a smoke and I can't even take the smell of it. It's nice to feel free from such an addiction. Being smoke free has really changed my life. I am more confidant in myself and I am a bit liberated and lifted. These past 7 years have been a real eye opener. My only problem in life is the drinking and I think I can fix that too. 

Well very recently I had a bad spell with the alcohol I went on a week and a half bender. I had two excuses. Oct 22nd was the anniversary of my job. I had been working there for 6 years! Ontop of this I just wanted to relax. 

This week I took 3 days off the alcohol so this week is better. After tonight I'll probably go AF again. I usually get sick of drinking after the 3rd or 4th night in a row.

I feel like I don't have alot of coping skills. The only things I do in my spare time is write music, watch you tube and Netflix. With no live music in town it makes it hard to go out. I saw my Best friend last week and had a good night. All I seem to do when I go out is go and do my food shopping and go to the chemist. I guess I just need to make more plans throughout the week.

The good news is that I am doing yet again another collab with an Artist. My sister Project Neontronix will be working with another synthwave/outrun artist working on vocals for a track she's been working on. I am also trying to add vocals to one of my own songs, which is something I have wanted to do for a very long time.

 

My goals for this week are:

 

To work on the music and get another track done

Stay sober for 5 days

 

It's Halloween in Australia right now. I might just dress up as a green goth.

CrazyQuitter

Trying to Let Go

Posted by CrazyQuitter Oct 25, 2020

Letting go is really hard to do, especially at the start. It can have an effect on you. Letting go and time are a marriage made in heaven. Letting go can respect others and yourself. It is self care. In any situation we must let go of unwanted emotions and experiences. It's just another thing we all have to do. I am an empath who's been living with depression and anxiety longer than I remember. I am feeling things that I no longer want to feel anymore and shouldn't be feeling at all. I am letting go of dangerous emotions that can be potentially toxic but not only to myself. But to others. I am letting go and staying away from the guy at the store. All my anxiety has made me feel sick to my stomach. My emotions have gotten me into trouble and I wish I didn't feel this way. I will move on and no longer feed these emotions. I am channeling these emotions in a safer way and transferring it into my music.

 

Here is a private link to one of my tracks. I have been thinking of adding it to my In Moderation ep as a Bonus track. It is an old track I resurrected from a HDD wipe and was able to transpose it because it was all in my head all along. It is called Kameleon and since it being also revamped it reminds me of the change of emotions like a kameleon changes it's colors.

Kameleon by TheJuZShoW | The Ju ZSho W | Free Listening on SoundCloud 

 

Enjoy!

My life is boring at the moment. I am still lusting over someone who isn't interested and I am trying to make it stop. I am starting to think that there is something wrong with me here. Something I definitely need to talk to my Councillor about because I know that this isn't healthy for me. I have started to ignore most of his messages on Facebook. I didn't even reply to the last message. But I will have to eventually find out when he is working so I don't go to the store when he is on. I have been drinking every night for the past week and a half. I know this is really bad.

Lately I haven't been drinking to self medicate. I have been doing it to relax. I won't talk to the Naked Mind Tribe about this. I think they think that I am not serious about cutting down. I refuse to go back to my Acamprosate because I don't like the side effects of not being switched on and stuttering. I can't write music under that kind of condition!

 

I remembered why I used to smoke. I was dealing with a terrible break up with an emotionally abusive partner and I had him tell me the lie that smoking relaxed me. I once had looked forward to lighting up to deal with the stress of those cravings and mainly just self medicate. Looks like I am still doing the same with alcohol when it's all just making it worse. I am looking forward to a few days of sobriety. But I have no strategies in place atm. But I hope to find out what they are.

Not having alcohol in the house and keep turning to write music to pour all my emotions into is a good start. At least I am still smoke free. 

CrazyQuitter

Don't Beat Yourself Up!

Posted by CrazyQuitter Oct 20, 2020

A message to those who have relapsed on their quit the for the first time or over and over

 

I know this may not seem relevant right now. But I am about to prove my point!

When I saw one of my alcohol Councillors a few years back she asked me if I had ever tried getting out of a finger trap and I had said no. She got me to get into one. I tried to pull and pull to get out of it and it just wasn't working. I struggled!

She said to me the more I struggled the worse it got so what you do is twist first then pull one of your fingers out!

 

After a relapse Do not beat yourself up!

Because when you do you are struggling!

Quitting any bad habit is like getting out of a finger trap. It is a metaphor that there can be many strategies to get through the emotions involved in these habits.

 

Take a deep breath

Keep the past in the past

and

Keep on finding your strategy!

 

I hope this helps!

I almost had a car accident the other week. I was on my way to go and see my Councillor who lives about a half hour drive away. I was at the intersection and the car started to gurgle. The the engine stopped and I ended up being stuck in the middle. I was scared. But really lucky because the intersection was on a hill and I was slowly going down it. My quick thinking came into play and I pulled over slowly in a nearby parking space. When I turned the ignition off the car gave off a smell that was rancid and just not normal. So I ended up doing the short walk to a nearby car dealership, where they also fix cars. They found out the fuel filter needed to be replaced, which costed me 100s of dollars ($270 AUD) . 

My walk home that day was really painful. I have really bad hip dysplasia, which means the hip socket is smaller than it should be. It was really painful and ontop of that my ankle was killing me. It was one of the worst mornings I have had. So I ended up talk to my Councillor on the phone for an hour instead.

 

Relationships wise I have decided to take myself off the market and immerse myself into my music. I released a track on Soundcloud and now I am re-writing and re imagining a track I wrote ages ago that I lost during a hardrive wipe, which is awesome because I realized it had still been in my head all along. Here is a link to my last EP, which is completely different to my chill out track some of you heard:

In Moderation EP | TheJuZShoW  

I am channeling all of my emotion back into my music, which is something I should be doing rather than chase people who aren't interested in me. When I write music nothing else matters. My surroundings feel like they are about to disappear and I just live in the moment. Time flies and I have been holding onto the experiences.

 

I must admit I am more resilient than I realize. I have been through a lot and somehow risen above it all. I am like most people. I come up, I come down, repeat! I am more mindful than I realize and sometimes I can be positive. I am in a position where I am accepting what is not within my control and staying goal orientated.

Being alone can be a catch 22. You can either be happy in your own space or feel really sad. Being alone can help you take the time to collect your thoughts and help solve problems. Being alone can help you remember who you are.
CrazyQuitter

Another disappointment.

Posted by CrazyQuitter Oct 18, 2020

Last night I found out the guy I had a crush on who collaborated with me who had the crush on me back turned around and ended up getting back together with his ex girlfriend. I feel disappointed and led on. But I respect his wishes.

 

My whole love life is filled with disappointments.

The first guy I partnered with ended up to be an emotionally abusive person, which changed me.

The second guy had problems and chose to live with a parent and refuse move out of the nest

The thurd guy thought he could get any girl he wanted and failed to properly open up to me after a year of dating

The forth guy wanted to rush into marrying me after 2 weeks of dating, not to mention other complications regarding his untreated mental illnesses.

 

I then went back to the second guy and that only lasted another 3 months thinking it was going to get better. But I stopped that also because I was too emotionally and mentally unwell at the time and he criticized me saying that commitment wasn't my strong suit.

 

I have had nothing but false hope and have lost all hope!

So There isn't much I can do in the love sector. I'm just going bury myself in writing music and tell myself to stop having feelings for people all together.

CrazyQuitter

Moving on....

Posted by CrazyQuitter Oct 17, 2020

It turns out I have feelings for two different people. while I am trying to let go of my feelings for the guy who works at the store there is another guy I have feelings for who seems to feel the same way and he is the musician I did the collab with!

I love how we seem to be on the same page. He too has a great sense of humor. I think we have great musical chemistry. The only downsides is that he has BPD and lives about 2 hours away from me and with this pandemic it's hard for me to drive down and see him. I hope I can meet  him one day!

 

As for the guy who works at the store. I have chosen not to go there when he is there. I have taken Youngatheart's advice by telling my heart to stop and I have been writing song lyrics to deal with all the emotion involved.I am probably gonna immerse myself in songwriting for the next couple of weeks and maybe avoid talking to this guy for a while.

Here is what I wrote today. I guess this sums up how I have been feeling in general also:

 

It's Another day
When I wish I was numb
Trying to make sense of it all
When I am in too deep
I tell my heart to stop
Just so I can breathe
and respect those all around me
There's so much there
that I wanna shut down
I wish I didn't feel this way
Emotions are a dangerous thing
You can either feel too much
or not at all
I try to push it all down
But they all seem to surface
All seem to re-surface
Every-time again.
I can't go above it
I can't go below it
I cannot walk to the left of it
I cannot walk to the right of it
The only way is through
Until I find the end
CrazyQuitter

The Ocean of Emotion

Posted by CrazyQuitter Oct 16, 2020

Have you ever been in love with someone who isn't interested in you?

I think for me it's the first in this situation. I recently confessed my love to someone. I said to him "You are going to hate me and I know I am not your type but I ******* Love you <3 " He ended up asking to come over.

But those Plans fell through because he was traveling to another town and left late and got home late. It was to be expected. But at least he kept me posted and didn't leave me hanging.

I have been wanting to hang out with this person for a long time and get to know him. I only know him when he's at work and on Facebook.

We all love within reason. My reason for loving this guy is that he is kind, we have common interests and connect through music and he's got a quirky sense of humor. Seems like every-time I walk out of the store where he works and he's on shift my heart literally beats out of my chest. I feel alive when I am around him.

 

Love is a cruel thing. It can be unrequited. My brain knows that this person isn't interested and wants to stay realistic that nothing will happen and we won't ever be together. But my heart won't let it go right now. I want to respect his wishes at the same time and I have been trying to. 

My problem with emotion in general is that I feel very deeply. I am a sensual person also. My emotions just drag me in without mercy and sometimes I wish I could just turn them off for a while so I can breathe. I wish I didn't love this man. I wish I could move on. But my heart won't listen to the reality that it won't happen and I can't stop thinking about him. 

The worst part about this is that there is nothing I can do except be a good friend to him.

 

I am sure you can relate to what love feels like. For me it's a buzzing feeling that runs from my chest to my stomach and just swirls around like a never ending whirlpool. Then it spreads out into the ocean of anxiety and just sits there. It repeats like a broken record every-time I think of someone I really like. I can't control it. It doesn't just go away. 

 

So now I am asking myself this:  How do I get over all this emotion I am feeling? How can I get past it? Will I ever find the answer? I want to scream. I want to hide. I'll do anything to stop feeling like this.

 

But I won't smoke.

I am emotionally doing ALOT better. I started my keto vegetarian diet and it's been helping my mood alot. SO far I have lost almost 9IBS/4kgs ! 

 

Also the Track I did with my friend Audio Assassin has come out. it's available on itunes, Spotify, Amazon and Beatport.

Here is the link if you need to listen to it for free. But I highly recommend you buy it if you like it:

Emerging Clarity feat. Juz (Original Mix) - YouTube  

 

My outdoor setting is almost done. I am waiting on more pillows. My flowers are slowly coming out in the pot-plants.

 

Everything seems to go smoothly. My love life? Well that may not happen anytime soon lol ! 

Thought I'd share some photos of the front patio again. But with plants. In summer they'll have these beautiful red flowers. I have more to add to this story because I got some cushions coming in the mail and a few decorations to think about. Then I'll be finished.

 

You all don't know it yet. But I also spent winter setting up my back patio. 

Never mind the mess on the left That is where I keep my stuff for the outdoor fire pit. I am going to assemble a fire pit for the far right, which is taking a lot of thought due to safety measures. I have put the same sort of plants next to the same sort of chairs. I will post a pic of it at night when the weather warms up!

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