Still free but for the last few days, the memories of smoking have been flying through my brain, creating triggers like I haven’t felt for a long time. They will not derail my quit but they are there, nagging me like a tooth that’s gone bad screams at us just before the nerve dies.
I tend to believe that this is the addict within giving itself one last shot at creating the life of an addict. A shot at getting me to give in just that one time. But as always, I know the addict within will once again give up. It’s simply a matter of time for you see, I will not smoke. It’s just not a part of me anymore and eventually the memories will indeed run their course and I will be free!!
I write this blog simply to reinforce to others the dangers of no man’s land and the world that lives just beyond it. Though I will not give in, I can see how this last ditch effort of the addict within could derail a quit if we’re not careful. In my opinion the addiction will fight that last fight in every one of us before it becomes dormant. The thing to always remember is that the addict is indeed just dormant and not gone for good. There are always life situations that can create a memory that will once again wake up the addict. There are going to be surprise situations in our lives that allow the addict within to send us a surprise trigger.
Never give in to this! Never for a moment even think that the addict is right for he is not! Never believe that the memories of smoking are the sweet memories that the addict tries to tell you they are. No, instead always remember that the smoke tastes nasty. The addiction ruins our lives and robs us of a future or at the very least changes a future to a less then desirable one. Our memories of smoking are indeed different from reality. The addiction sees to that for us. The addiction tries to cloud our minds and tell us how pleasant smoking is. The reality is that we know it’s not a pleasant experience.
So never believe the memories of the addiction. They are false memories that only hold a power over us if we believe that these memories are indeed true. Try to see through to the reality. Always remember the endless coughing and the ball and chain that we drag around with us in order to smoke. Remember the money that was lost with cigarettes. Remember how much time was consumed by smoking that could have been used for so much more!
These are the realities to dwell on, for these are the realities of life and not the realities of death that the internal addict would have us dwell on.
In the end I had a dream just last night. In the dream I had given in to the addict. I had not only slipped but gone into a full relapse. I thought about how stupid it was to give in. I thought about the fact that I would have to start over with my quit.
I looked at the cigarette between my fingers with loathing for I knew that my internal addict was once again calling the shots. I knew that the addict once again had that power over me. I felt weak and afraid to quit again. Afraid that the addict might once again win if I tried to quit again. I felt everything that I’d felt before my original quit and knew that I’d blown it!
Then I woke up and you know what? That dream had really helped. It showed me how I would feel if I ever gave in. It reminded me of all of the reasons why I quit. It reinforced my all of my reasons for quitting. It was like I had peered into a future that could be and realized once again that this was not the future I have chosen for myself. This was not a future that I desired and that this is not a future that I will live!
I think my mind has indeed once again worked out the addiction and I think my very heart mind and soul chose freedom over addiction once again. I think that I’ll always choose freedom over addiction. I think I’ll always choose quality life over the lies of an addiction. I think I’ll always see the future without cigarettes.
Indeed, I am still walking the slopes of Mt. Freedom. I am still firmly on the path of freedom. I am as I always was the master of my addiction. I am happy with my choices and most of all, I’m still free!
Onward and always upward!!