Well, still walking along on the path to freedom. Today is day five nicotine free! And the funny thing is that last might I had some pretty strong urges. Stronger then I’ve felt for a while. When they first started their assault, I wondered about them and then after a little thought, I smiled to myself and thought, "Ah, my internal addict and I haven’t communicated for a while."
And I instantly understood the urges for yesterday was day four without nicotine and as such, my internal addict who is really just the part of me that hasn’t given up smoking yet was laying in wait for me, ready to pounce at the first sign of weakness which would be my first day completely nicotine free. My first day without the training wheels of the steady nicotine I’ve given myself for the past couple of months.
And so I went and found my trusty old straws, stuck one in my mouth and went on with the evening secure in the fact that I will not derail my quit today. I will not give in to this latest temper tantrum of my addict. And with resolve I also knew that I would not let this be a vulnerable time for me. No, instead I used this experience to learn more of myself.
I spent a little time conversing with that part of myself that still wants to smoke and explained to myself that there’s no reason to let these little urges bother you. There’s no reason to dwell on that which will do no good. Instead, it’s time to step outside. To embrace the triggers of old and to demonstrate to myself that these triggers no longer hold any power over me.
And so I did just that. I stepped outside and instead of wanting a cigarette, I cherished the view that I’m so lucky to have before me every day. I looked deeply into the clouds relishing the fact that these were no longer winter clouds but rather were spring clouds. I looked all around and saw the world as it is without those nasty cigarettes.
Then I went back inside feeling secure in the fact that I had indeed spent a little time with my internal addict and that together we learned something we always knew. That there’s really no reason to smoke. There’s really no reason to remain enslaved by the nicotine for life is quite sweet without it. Life is a miracle that must be respected and the best way to respect that life is by living as healthy a life as possible.
It was a moment to understand that though life is now different, that difference is not a negative thing. No, that difference is the most positive thing I’ve done for myself in quite a while. I know that one day the part of my brain that is my addict will decide to give up or at least slow it’s endless and fruitless attempts to derail my quit.
I look forward to that day for then I can use the resources that once belonged to the addict for something more useful then thinking about smoking. I can use those resources in ways that might be a little more positive.
So as my addict and I continue our little internal war, I see a kind of future that goes beyond the future that my addict wants for me. I see my world as a much brighter place then the addict would like it to be. And I see myself much happier without the cigarettes then I ever was with them.
And so I begin a new day completely free of the chemicals of cigarettes and I wonder, "Will my life ever be the same?"
And as I close this blog I have to say that I’m smiling for you see the answer to my question is quite simple. My life won’t ever be the same. It will be way better!
　
