Gotta take care of myself now. Don't want to. I am much better at taking care of everyone else.
I was walking for my flu shot last week, and I thought why do I bother? Well, it came to me, that I'm doing this for
me and my daughter here, so I don't get sick. Both my daughters.
My Aunt passed away on Monday at 7:40 in the morning. I am sad, I talked to my Mom, and she has mixed feelings about it, because my Aunt used to take advantage of her every summer and just drop her kids off for the summer, one of them with cerebral palsy and in a wheelchair. My Aunt would drop the kids and just go about her social life.
My Mom already had five kids to take care of. Anyway, I'm sad because she doesn't feel upset that she's gone, but anger is one of the first grief emotions we feel.
I sent my cousin flowers, and I think she was touched. She has her own family, but her brother passed on last year so now she is the remaining survivor of the family she was in.
That coupled with the fact that I found out I have osteo arthritis in my knees, hips and back. I broke my right knee cap, last December. It has healed into just being a crack now. I have physio to do, and I was fitted for a knee brace, which my insurance covered at $800.00 a pop. Thank god no surgery needed.
So today I started over with my quit. I want this to be the perfect quit, and I want to reach inside myself and tell myself I'm worth the effort. I hate it that I just haven't been able to grasp the fact that I need this quit to carry on my life.
I am alone now, so I've gotta convince myself that I still matter and am worth it. I think this post is ripe with excuses, here, and I've been at this a long time.
I give up too easy. I feel the depression and I just want to smoke, but so many others are doing this, in spite of mental health issues. There was once a post I saw somewhere, about a man who fell off a bridge, and a man, threw him a rope and said to pull himself up, but the man cried no I can't. This went on for a long while, with the man pleading with him to pull himself up, but he wouldn't, and the man on the bridge had to let him go. I'm trying to pull up myself. I hope for better days. So many of you have been willing to pull me up!!
Ok, well, onward with day one!
So sorry this was so long.