*Just checking In*

Blog Post created by Christine13 on Oct 9, 2019

Hi, I just wanted to check in and tell you all that I'm doing all right this week.  I am working on day 3 today.

Someone asked me if I wanted to quit?  Or if I was quitting because I should quit.  For me, it's because I should quit, and I don't want to leave my children motherless at this point.  Monday was a horrid day.  I woke up and anxiety was off the charts.  I didn't smoke - I took an anti-anxiety med and took a hot bath a went back to bed.  I have just been feeling so overwhelmed with things here lately.  I made an appointment next week with my therapist and wow, I have a lot to talk to him about!  I am going away to Florida on October 29th, and I am meeting two other widow's there that I've never met before.  I realize my whole life I've had so much FEAR.  FEAR about quitting, loosing control, and loosing my sanity.  FEAR of driving anywhere, which at the worst of times makes me house bound.  I really, really, want to go away for a break, but have anxiety about meeting the two other ladies.  I find myself praying my way through things.  Last week I went to my Yoga class alone, and I got lost on the way there, because my neighbour usually drives us.  I was praying out loud that day and found my way.  The difference is with my quit, is I can't do it for anyone else but me.  I have had the ultimate in support here.  There is no reason why this can't be my last quit!!

I've done all the reading, I just need to keep it simple and not stick a cig in my face.  Tuesday and today were wonderful days.  We are expecting 2 feet of snow, and I got out and did my groceries and got to the bank to get my money for my trip.  The bottom line is - I want to live!!  i am admitting to myself that I've been wishy washy, and just not strong enough to make a comitment to this.  The result of that has been HELL, on my conscience, and makes me feel like such a BAD person.  I haven't gone the distance, but I need to just to vindicate myself.  For all here who have supported me, I thank you so much!!  Tomorrow is Yoga class again, I wonder if I will suck it up and drive in the snow.

My life is changing, I have to go with the flow and change with it or be lost in the abysse.