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2019
Christine13

Update on my Dad.

Posted by Christine13 May 29, 2019

They were supposed to do surgery on him June 24th the day before their 70th wedding anniversary.  It has been cancelled due to low blood.  I am kind of glad because the surgery is dangerous at this point, but he is feeling poorly, and very short of breath and tired.  I think he needs a blood transfusion.  I will maybe ask to go with him to see his Dr. June 8th.  I don't know how much time I have left with my dear Dad, but it doesn't look good at this point.  There is such a bond between him and my Mom.  I don't think she'd live long without him.  So I pray he lives to celebrate their anniversary on June 25th.  I am very sad, and I know he is disappointed that they can't do surgery.  It's all up to god now.  I take comfort in the fact that he has lived so long a life and such a good one.  Love you guys!!

Christine13

Worried about my Dad.

Posted by Christine13 May 27, 2019

Worried about my 90 year old Dad.  The arteries in his neck are blocked.  Dr. said before surgery was too dangerous.  Today Dr. called him back again.  It's my guess that he will do the surgery.  My sister is going with him and Mom for the appointment today.  I will be on pins and needles all day waiting to hear.  It wouldn't help my dear Dad in any way if I didn't keep quit, so I'm going to stay strong and do this for him.

Christine13

My foot is healed.

Posted by Christine13 May 21, 2019

I fractured my foot back the end of February.  I've had four appointments since.  Today he said it's still cracked but it looks sturdy, so I can get back to walking and Yoga.  I had panic today in the cab on the way there and also in the office.  I really wanted to smoke before I left, but I faced my fears and went.  I did not smoke and I don't need surgery on my foot!

Christine13

Happy Saturday!!!

Posted by Christine13 May 18, 2019

Yup, it's Saturday.  I am feeling very happy this morning as I go about my day without the smokes.  I bought my flowers for the pots and garden on Thursday.  I started planting yesterday which was a beautiful day!  Saturdays normally I find long and lonely, but I have a project to work on now.  Happy May Long Weekend to all the Canadians here.

I have 0 stress this weekend!  Yayyy!!! xo

Mother's are not perfect!  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with 4 brothers and sisters.  I was the baby of the family for 8 years.  My mom beat my butt with a black leather belt.  She washed my mouth out with palmolive soap, until it made me gag.  Beat me with her fists one night after I was in bed, and asleep, because I didn't do a good job hanging my sox up on the line in the basement.  She pulled my hair almost out by the roots, and spanked me with the wooden spoon. She  slapped me across the face on "general principals" she said.  I told her one day, she couldn't hit me anymore, or I would sig social servises on her for abuse,  My abuse ended,  I got rid of her leather belt strap one day on the way to school because she was going to use it on my baby sister of 8 years.  We all try to forget those days, and I try to remember the days, she baked 13 loaves of bread, to feed us all through the week, and she spent many hours at the sewing machine crafting beautiful new clothes for us.  My Mom was unbalanced, overworked, because in addition to us five kids she also worked part time and took care of her aging parents.  For whatever it's worth, my Mom loved us all.  She was the baby in her family of eight.  My parents worked hard to put bread on the table and clothes on our backs!  I did and do honour my Mom's teachings, and she was in the years of spare the rod and spoil the child.

She grew up mennonite, where, they would never tell there kids they loved them or tell them they were proud of them.

Yup it's a bittersweet day.  My Mom acknowledes what kind of a Mom she was to us, and said if she did that now she would be in jail.  Different times, when they raised us back then.  Spare the rod and streghten up or otherwise, I will pound you into the ground with my iron fist.  Not all Mom's were perfect, thank god I had lots of therapy to come out of that abuse, and can now also see that she did love, in her own way.  Just way to much pressure to be perfect, and a lack of guidance from their strict mennonite parents.  I honoured my Mom today, took her and my Dad out to a steak house today.  I now know the cause of my mental illness - my Mom.  So many things to work through for so many years in therapy, and so many drugs. Somehow I ended up in survival mode for the rest of my life.  I'm not blaming her, and my two daughters also forgave me my transgressions.  They both did show me love this week, and honoured me in the best possible ways.

We can never go back to those dark days, but keep on trucking here and now and give back to our kids or furbabies, Collen, Barbscloud and Young at Heart.  I hear you all.

My Mom wasn't any saint, but by god my mother-in-law was, and I always took her lead and found my example of what a good Mom really was.  I remember her coming to cover Brian and me up in our bed on a cold chilly night at the cottage.  That was love shown, even after we were grown.  I am so glad to have known her.  She was a very, kind gentle soul, who spoiled her sons, and daughter-in-laws, and grandchildren, with home cooking and baking, and beautiful crocheted sweaters and mitts for the kids.  She was always the Mom I wanted to be and strove to be for my kids.  Selma Lillian Menzies I pay tribute to you today!!  You spoiled us all, and even tho your gone, I still feel it today.  You never ever gave up on me, you showed me the way.  Love you Selma today and always!!  xoxo Chris

Christine13

No matter what.

Posted by Christine13 May 7, 2019

Last  night I was in the pits of despair.  Today I figure I have a chance again.  So.........no matter what, I will not smoke today.  I am feeling very sad, but as everyone says smoking does make me feel any better, just worse.  So.......I get up again, reset, start fresh.  

Christine13

Dark day

Posted by Christine13 May 6, 2019

Hi, today was a day without hope.  Going to scatter part of my husband Brian's ashes on May 11th at the park.  Couldn't arrange a time with family so I will do it alone there on what would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.

Will hopefully spread the rest of his ashes in July.  I am alone.  I can't say when I'll be back.  I am hoping someday soon.  Haven't been able to keep quit.  Altho I've tried everything on God's green earth to do it.  Falling here, and failing.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I look forward to it, altho, every day seems like Ground Hog day, you know the movie with Bill Murray.  Each day he tries to better himself until he wakes up with his dream girl.  I am always striving to better myself. 

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