Remember my Forever Man, who passed away January 1st, 2018? He is no longer my forever man.
Yesterday I was looking through his drawers and found 3 DVD's of our family. One was marked with the date 2010-11.
On that DVD, there was a video of a woman, about my age, who looked very similar to me - same hairstyle, same makeup, no wedding ring, and she was obviously his girlfriend altho, I know they were together in person too. I confirmed it with his brother. It was when I was so sick with cancer and chemo and radiation. I feel betrayed, sad, angry, and worthless. His brother said it was a very dark time for him, and he was just trying to hang on until I'd be ok. I look at everything in our house, all his artwork, and all the things he loved, and see it in a different way now. I have called my councillor and she is calling me back to talk. She says, she has to say some things that will make me feel better. To think I went out for a coffee with a male friend the other day, and we just talked he was an old friend. I won't feel guilty now if I want to move on with someone else. Maybe I was supposed to find it. I always looked for concrete evidence, now I have it. Closure or permission to move on? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 
I smoked, so Dale this is my biggest excuse ever!! I can't tell you the pain and anguish I feel. I've gotta be careful this doesn't send me into a deep depression. Was it all a lie? The love I thought we shared since I was 17?
