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Thinking Forward.......

Posted by Christine13 Mar 20, 2018

Thinking Forward today, what I have to do to get through the next crave.  It could be a good day or a bad day.  Right now it feels like a good day.  I have a ton of strength, but sometimes I feel weak and don't care much, all I want is my fix.  Moving forward through the days without Brian.  Going to talk to my therapist today, hope it's not too painful.

Thinking forward to better days ahead.  Spring is here.  Change of seasons.  I bought Calla Lillies to plant in the pots on the deck after the frost is out of the ground.  Brian would always do that for me.  I hope everyone has a beautiful smoke free day!  Many thanks to all the people here at EX for always being so helpful and compassionate.


Moving forward.

Posted by Christine13 Mar 10, 2018

Slowly trying to move forward one day at a time.  Each day alone here has been a challenge to get through.

I am doing ok, but my Birthday was another 1st without Brian and it was wonderful but bittersweet too.

I have already had my share of firsts this year.  His Birthday, his two grandson's Birthdays, Valentine's day,

my Birthday.  Next is St. Patty's Day and Easter.  Each day I wake up I know I have to continue on one day at a time,

without him, and without the smokes.  The only way out for me is through, with life and stopping smoking.  Making this quit my last.  I can't believe I am alone here and free from the sickness he had and all the caregiving I did for so long.

I would do it all again.  I am feeling all my raw emotions no more pushing them down with the smokes.  I want to move on, I want this pain to stop, I want him back!!!  The reality is - he's not coming back.  I try and do things to stay busy, and distracted and sometimes I am a clock watcher and wait for the evenings when my friends call me, and to go to bed with another day won.  I know this is kind of depressing, and maybe that's how I feel today, depressed.


No Control

Posted by Christine13 Mar 3, 2018

I have absolutely no control over my smoking, all these years I've been trying to control my addiction.  I have no control when it comes to cigarette addiction.  I cannot have even one!!!  Or I will be back to smoking again.  I don't know if I have just been surface learning all these years on this site with my quits?  I need to internalize that I just can never go back there until it becomes my new way of life.  The path is clear, it is ahead of me.  The coin finally hits the spot!!!

NOT ONE PUFF..............!!!!

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