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Hanging in there today!

Posted by Christine13 Jul 26, 2017

Hiiii, my Ex family.  Just wanted to let you know I'm hanging in there with my quit.  Stressful days again, because

Brian is sick again.  When I saw him taking his nebulizer yesterday I just sat here and watched.  Feeling sad and lost that he has to do this.  It struck me that I will have to do the same thing one day if I don't stay quit.

He has to get on more antibiotics today, and I'm going in with him when he sees the Dr.  Sometimes it feels like I am his mommy there to make sure he doesn't get a prescription that he is allergic to and he is to many.  He's getting very tired of fighting his illnesses, and the other night I thought I might loose him in the night.  I am praying he will be all right again and that his depression will lift too.  I will stay strong and not give in!!  I will be sure to get out for a 1/2 hour walk today.  Lately this week I have been pre greaving.  Every time I realize that the end of his life is coming and that there won't be any more bouncing back for him, and that I will be alone to carry on I get sad.  My emotions and tears are close to the surface.  All I can do is pray for at least another six months with him.  I feel so helpless that I can't do anything to help him other than love and give him empathy and sympathy and take care of him in the best way possible.  I don't want to be alone!!!  I feel like I will go crazy when I finally do loose him.  Giving it up to God here,

Gotta learn to let him be the one in charge.


Another Day To Be Happy!

Posted by Christine13 Jul 19, 2017

I was quite depressed last week, but today I am doing well again.  My hubby has gone for a much needed blood transfusion and when he gets home he should be feeling better again for a few weeks.  I have started reading in my down time again, and it passes the time for me.  Hanging in there with my quit today.  So far it's gone well today.

I hope everyone has a good day today!


Just Checking In.

Posted by Christine13 Jul 12, 2017

Good Morning!  Rainy cold day here in Winnipeg.  Before I was so busy caring for my husband I didn't have time most days to check in.  Now I have the time, because the last two months he is doing better.  His chelation therapy is working, and he will be on his pump for awhile yet.  Dr. visit at cancercare July 31st.

He's back to making meals and doing dishes.  Before well for four years I was completely overwhelmed here doing everything for him, and to run the house and car, mowing and shovelling snow.  Driving him 3x a week 45 minutes a day to the hospital.  Now he has handi-transit and can go himself most times.  What I'm finding is I have a lot of time on my hands and spend a lot of time alone here, because he is either gone or sleeping.  My life has revolved totally around him, and now not sure what to do with my time, even tho I am so grateful for down time.  I have no excuses left not to stay quit.  My mental health is good most times.  I still struggle with painful memories that come up from my past when I quit.  It seems like I pushed everything down with cigarettes and didn't deal with the stuff as it happened.

Now...........I can learn to cope without resorting to smoking, because I can actually talk about this stuff now.  Honestly for so long I just wanted to numb out these painful memories and not deal with them.  It's a good thing hard drugs were not available to me, because I probably would have been another kind of addict.  I am a nicotine addict tho, and I must face that.  I must accept that I can never have another puff!!  I have been the queen of denial, even tho I had breast cancer 7 years ago.  I never did accept that I was going through that either, wouldn't let myself believe that I was close to dying.  I had stopped smoking for six months then.  I was almost through the worst of it, and then relapsed.  I've been doing my best to get the mindset I need for this again.  I've quit a zillion times, I am the dumbest person on earth, not to have seen what the heck I was doing to myself by smoking!  It's not fun going through two surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and a drug called Tamoxifen for 5 years!  The worst part they told me is even if I didn't smoke ever again the cancer could come back as lung cancer or brain cancer or any other kind of cancer.

I am fortunate to have had 7 more years of life, now I'm wanting more!!!  Gonna stay quit, and face my issues here.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on about myself.  When I saw Dian's blog and Ellen's blog I realize how deadly smoking is!!



Marilyn's Internet

Posted by Christine13 Jul 2, 2017

Hi everyone!  Marilyn called me this morning and ask me to let you know her internet is down today.  She is hoping it will be up and running tomorrow.  


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