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Christine13 Blog

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So excited, my step grandson and his lady are at the hospital last night and today, having baby number 1.

Soooo.............My daughter will be a gramma at age 42, and I will be a great grandma at 63!!!  Never thought I'd live to see this day!!!  Baby is breach tho, and contractions are 5 minutes apart.  Don't know if they had to induce or not.

I am praying for a safe delivery for Mom and baby boy!!!

Just writing tonight, just wanted to say my husband Brian always drove me anywhere I wanted to go, I was secure and dependant other than my independence here with the kids and raising them, but driving was always a barrier for me.

Now I am no longer in his protection, he passed Jan. 1st.  First Easter without him, and I am getting there day by day.

Part of me is still in shock..........he died.  I live on and today for the first time ever I used the GPS and drove to my sister Bonnie's for brunch.  It took courage and me telling myself I could do it!  I wanted to make an excuse but didn't-knew I had to face the unknown to build confidence for another day.  I am darn proud of myself, and I did it smokefree!!

God was protecting me today..........Easter Sunday, he has risen.  I look forward to tomorrow, another day won!  The feelings of cravings come in waves, just like the grief.  I am learning to do without Brian, and the smokes.  May you all be blessed on this day.............may you all overcome, just like I am learning to do one day at a time. xoxo Chrissie 

Christine13

Thinking Forward.......

Posted by Christine13 Mar 20, 2018

Thinking Forward today, what I have to do to get through the next crave.  It could be a good day or a bad day.  Right now it feels like a good day.  I have a ton of strength, but sometimes I feel weak and don't care much, all I want is my fix.  Moving forward through the days without Brian.  Going to talk to my therapist today, hope it's not too painful.

Thinking forward to better days ahead.  Spring is here.  Change of seasons.  I bought Calla Lillies to plant in the pots on the deck after the frost is out of the ground.  Brian would always do that for me.  I hope everyone has a beautiful smoke free day!  Many thanks to all the people here at EX for always being so helpful and compassionate.

Christine13

Moving forward.

Posted by Christine13 Mar 10, 2018

Slowly trying to move forward one day at a time.  Each day alone here has been a challenge to get through.

I am doing ok, but my Birthday was another 1st without Brian and it was wonderful but bittersweet too.

I have already had my share of firsts this year.  His Birthday, his two grandson's Birthdays, Valentine's day,

my Birthday.  Next is St. Patty's Day and Easter.  Each day I wake up I know I have to continue on one day at a time,

without him, and without the smokes.  The only way out for me is through, with life and stopping smoking.  Making this quit my last.  I can't believe I am alone here and free from the sickness he had and all the caregiving I did for so long.

I would do it all again.  I am feeling all my raw emotions no more pushing them down with the smokes.  I want to move on, I want this pain to stop, I want him back!!!  The reality is - he's not coming back.  I try and do things to stay busy, and distracted and sometimes I am a clock watcher and wait for the evenings when my friends call me, and to go to bed with another day won.  I know this is kind of depressing, and maybe that's how I feel today, depressed.

Christine13

No Control

Posted by Christine13 Mar 3, 2018

I have absolutely no control over my smoking, all these years I've been trying to control my addiction.  I have no control when it comes to cigarette addiction.  I cannot have even one!!!  Or I will be back to smoking again.  I don't know if I have just been surface learning all these years on this site with my quits?  I need to internalize that I just can never go back there until it becomes my new way of life.  The path is clear, it is ahead of me.  The coin finally hits the spot!!!

NOT ONE PUFF..............!!!!

Christine13

Doing well today.

Posted by Christine13 Feb 23, 2018

Going out for a complete physical this morning, fasting 15 hours.  No coffee this morning, and oddly no cravings to smoke.  Guess my coffee was a trigger for me.  I have to walk close to the gas station where I normally buy my cigs,

but there won't be any stopping in there today.  Finally I think, I will be able to do this.  There is no option for me.

The only way out is through.

Went out to Yoga, had a good time, but came home and cried.  Missing my man, but not the cigs.  Today is day 2.

My neighbour didn't smoke in her car on the way home, and that made it easier for me. I will get through this day, I guess the tears are me healing.  I have nothing to numb up my feelings anymore and that is actually a good thing - I guess.  I am already able to breathe better.  I was able to take deep breaths, I am calm, and I will carry on here.

Hi my friends, yesterday was one month exactly since my Forever Man Brian passed on to be with God and his angels in heaven.  Was a pretty good day, went out for dinner with my two young women friends who I call "my adopted daughters"  Had a nice dinner with them.  After one of the girls dropped me off at home, the silence hit me, and I cried for 3 hours straight.  Not lonely, except for Brian.  Didn't want to numb myself up with a cigarette and let all the pain and anguish come out which were healing tears.  He passed on a full moon, and I went out to feed the neighbourhood wild bunny and look at the moon.  Now somehow, I've got to get through this grieving process without trying to numb up with a smoke.  Today is a semi-better day, and I've been talking to family and friends on the phone.  The question is this...........how, how, how do I get through this without smoking?  I've got a stock of lemons, cinnamon sticks, sugar free gum, and lozenges, that's how I'll get through.  I will NOT let this addiction rule my life anymore.  I've got things to do, people to see, and my daughters Tara and Cherie who need me, as well as 3 grandsons and a grandaughter, with a great grandchild on the way in April.  All great reasons to stay quit now!!  I will do it one day at a time, just like I've gotten through so many things in my life.  Thank you for letting me blog and share my determination to stay quit and my life as it is right now.  I love you all so much.........you have seen me through so much, so many repeated failures.  I hate this addiction and what it has done to me, what it did to Brian.  He quit 15 1/2 years ago, but still his body developed COPD.  I saw him hunger for air, from his COPD and influenza and his leukemia.  I can still hear his voice telling me to just say a loud "NO" outloud to the demon that haunts us all.  Just like you would to a bad salesperson at the door, Just keep saying No Thank you and they will eventually give up.  So no thank you to cigarettes, and all the illness and death they bring.  It's never enough that the cigarette company's want you hooked, but the cigarettes and their manufacturing is just pure evil.  I'm so glad I can see that now.  Well, you cant have me!!!  I will go fighting this addiction every step of the way, just like Brian did, and for once in my life it will be a win-win for me and for you too!

xoxo

Love you all.

Chris

Happy Birthday Nancy!!!  I hope you are celebrating today!  Today would have been Brian's 70th Birthday.  Had the ugly cry last night for a long time, but doing ok today.  Taking my friend Simone out to a steak house tonight.  She said she would drive so I could have a glass of wine to toast Brian with.  I tell you those Aquarians are great people!!

I am sad, but I will be all right.  

Christine13

Brian-A final send off.

Posted by Christine13 Jan 5, 2018

As some of you know already, my Forever man Brian passed away at 7:20 p.m. on January 1st, peacefully in his sleep with me and my oldest daughter Tara by his side.  He didn't want any heroic measures.  Took him to hospital Christmas Eve, he was very exhausted and had trouble breathing.  He was coughing and coughing and coughing.  Finally he asked me if I had any cough medicine, I gave his a tablespoon of Nyquil and that quieted his cough and he was able to sleep sitting up.  We had one final visit with our daughter Tara, grandson Caiden and husband Scott in the afternoon and it was a good one. After they left in the afternoon his breathing got worse and I called an ambulance.  They checked his oxygen and heart and everything was fine.  But when he tried to walk two steps to get on the commode it was evident to the paramedics he was in big trouble.  We got to the hospital shortly after.  He saw the clock strike midnight and he said he felt ****** and he didn't care about the New Year.  Tara (my daughter) and I came home to sleep.

When I went back to the ER in the morning they said they were very worried about him and put him on a BI-Pap machine which he hated because it made him claustrophobic.  They were going to transfer him and put him in intensive care.  He said to he doctor if he took the mask off he would die, and he ripped it off his head.  Then I said he doesn't want any heroic measures or intensive care.  For the next couple of hours he struggled with his breathing and he kept asking for help please.  They finally gave him comfort care, and hydro-morphene and scoplomine and then he was a lot easier but he couldn't speak.  They moved us into a beautiful private room, where after stroking his head and telling him we were meant to be and he was my forever man, and that his Mom and Dad were on the other side waiting for him, and I'll see you in my dreams, he passed peacefully.

Today I give the ulogy a celebration of his life.  It's suitable that the funeral today is on what we called Freedom Fridays because they were the days his pump was disconnected from his port for the weekend.  So it's Freedom Friday today for Brian and we will all go out and celebrate at our favorite restaurant our treat.

The funeral should be beautiful with the Song November Rain, Gun's and Roses, Wild Horses, the Rolling Stones, and Time In a bottle by Jim Croshe.  It will be hard, but I am prepared to start my new life by travelling to see friends and family, maybe joining a gym, and going back to Yoga.

Thank you all for your prayers, I will remain strong.  I had my first smoke free Christmas, but relapsed New Year's Eve.

I may start my Freedom 2018 today, but may wait a few days first.

Sending Love to all my EX family especially Ellen and Marilyn.

xoxoxo

Chrissie

Christine13

A Christmas Miracle!

Posted by Christine13 Dec 27, 2017

Wanted to let you know that Brian is now my Miracle Man.  On Dec. 19 he got two blood transfusions and they gave him expired blood!!  He was doing poorly and as they ran the second unit of blood we told them he should be feeling better not worse.  He was also septic and had rash of over his body.  His breathing was difficult too, they sent him home that evening.  He had a good sleep, but the next morning his rash had worsened he had fever, and his breathing was horrible.  I knew he was having an allergic reaction to the blood and called an ambulance to take him into hospital.

They tried to take him back to the same hospital and he was declined, they said they didn't have the expertise to fix him.  We were then rerouted to St. Boniface General hospital which is a state of the art hospital with all the best Dr.'s

He was a code amber (life threatening)  they rushed him in there and the doctor saw him immediately.  After looking at him he said he had a bad blood infection and his blood was septic.  I was told this never should have happened to him and that an investigation would be done!

Within 3 hours he'd been seen by 3 doctors and then another 6.

He was admitted and transferred to a private room.  They thought he had shingles, the rash.

He doesn't have shingles the blood test showed herpes and human papilloma virus.  Antivirals were run as well as tons of toxic antibiotics.  To make a long story short, after confusion and hallucinations and hearing things he recovered the next day. He hadn't slept since Tuesday and that was Friday night.  By Saturday he was ok and turning a corner on things.  Sunday, (Christmas Day) they wanted to discharge him, but blood was low again so I said he wasn't going anywhere without two units of blood.  I cautioned them to cross and match, make sure it was A negative blood and to check the expiry date.  They did and they were very cautious.  Yesterday in the morning we got him home and now we are able to enjoy the holidays.  Thank god our children were here from California, and that my daughter Tara works in the same hospital he was admitted to!!!  She would check in on him before and after her shifts on a different ward,

My Man almost died, we thought he would die Christmas Day, but God smiled on him, and now we are ok!!  He will live to celebrate his 70th Birthday Jan. 25th and he will have another Spring too!!!!!

My Forever man is now named my Miracle man.  By the way it was my first smoke free Christmas in 45 years.

Smoking was the LAST thing on my mind!!!

For all the love and prayers from my Ex family I am grateful

Love you all!

Miracles Do Happen, God is good.  Life is Good, EAT it up!!!

xoxoxo

Christine13

Sometimes

Posted by Christine13 Dec 17, 2017

Sometimes I get scared, what if I will never get my forever quit?  I relapsed on Friday.  Was in no man's land, and feeling very depressed that day.  I just couldn't get it off my mind (smoking) I walked for some and got a pack.

My worst nightmare.  I blew a perfectly good quit, when I should have blogged and asked for help.

I have reset my quit day and today I am quit.  It wasn't worth the one, or the package that followed.

I have shaken off the depression and the ugly cry I had after that cleansed my soul not the cigs.

I have to hold it together, I have to. 

I have been craving bad today, for about 3 days actually.  Thursday, Friday were very stressful days, and I thought I'd come through that ok finally on Friday night.  No, I didn't smoke.  I didn't drink either.  For some reason today has been especially bad for me. I can't go to my usual things like gum, or chips or crunchy foods because of my gum biopsies last Monday.  My junkie thinking is telling me to go and get some and smoke this feeling away.  After all I deserve a smoke cause I've been so good.  You know...........a reward!!  But wait a minute, I don't need that kind of reward, one that could eventually kill me-do I?  My junkie says I'm going to die anyway.  Wait..........STOP..........Last Monday when I was about to have those biopsies I told the Dr. I'd stopped smoking.  It felt so good to tell him that.  I smell so good, I don't have to keep running outside to feed my addiction.  Most days don't feel like this.  I really don't want to go through all of this heartache again.  ah.........yes, I remember Marilyn's words the only way out is through.  I thought I'd managed to convince myself that this wasn't so bad, tough but not that bad.  It's dang tough............Somehow I will find the strength to make it through this night.  I sure don't want to start from day one again, and I know after the first pack or two I'd want to quit again.  It just seems to be getting to me tonight.  All this mental bargaining is wearing me out...........so I DECIDE to take the high road.........no smoking for me tonight after all. Thanks for letting me share.

Hi everyone!  Just wanted to say it's been a really good 3 weeks or so.  There has been a lot less stress with Brian and I'm learning to handle things better without resorting to smoking or drinking.  I bought myself some lifesavers at the grocery store and now when I want a tasty little pick me up I have one.  He's gone to get his pump in this morning and wasn't feeling good today, and hopefully blood transfusions this week.  Since I've quit smoking I've been finding my original self again and my goofy sense of humour is coming back!  It's good to laugh again and to have people laugh at me or with me!!  I feel so good in my own skin, comfortable.  When I have a crave I just get busy and do something here and I've been really busy!!  Tomorrow night I go out to a girl's Christmas dinner and there should be about 18 of us.  None of them smoke, so no I won't be tempted.  I still have my triggers and I am aware of them, most of them anyway.  I think I'm actually learning to accept my quit as a new way of life which I've struggled with a long time.

It isn't about luck, but the timing of your quit can be important I think.  I want to thank all of my EX family for your support and always backing me up even when I was in failure mode.  I pray I am out of that now.  Sending love and smiles to all of you on this wonderful Monday!! 

xo

Christine

Christine13

Anticipation

Posted by Christine13 Nov 15, 2017

Hi, I'm writing because I'm anticipating the stress that will come with trying to get Brian through another weekend.

We had a really good week last week which was a blessing.  Now his blood is 81 and he needs two units of blood.

He says he feels weak today.  They won't transfuse him until Monday, because of all the antibodies he has from all the transfusions.  This may mean another ER trip this weekend if he can't wait until Monday.  Already my sick nico-addicted brain is saying, "Well, you should smoke!"  "You know you can't make it without it."  Well, hello.........I don't smoke or drink to get thru stress anymore.  I can get through this without you!!  I can and I will........you'll, see, so just shutup and go take a hike.  I am NOT smoking over this!!!  Phew, glad that's settled.