That's what I feel every day. I feel weak when I should be strong. I won't give up tho. The only way is to say goodbye to cigarettes forever. I don't know who I am without them, I want to come out of this winning. TODAY, EVERY DAY.
I have some very good news to share. I was back to see my oral pathologist on Monday. Because there have been no changes since 2017 I won't need anymore biopsies. He wants to see me again in six months. I told him I was using wellbutrin now and I felt I had a much better chance at being 100% quit - the perfect quit, with no slips or relapses.
He said he was very curious to see how I do. I am really encouraged with this news.
What made me feel good was that he is very interested in me keeping quit, and he really cared not just about my gums, but about my health in general. I said I would start taking care of myself the way I should.
After all these years of being here and trying to get to 3 months or even 6 or a year. I remembered back 10 years ago I had a almost 4 month quit and I was taking wellbutrin and using the patch at that time. Just recently I asked my phychiatrist for wellbutrin again, today is my 3rd day taking it and it's all ready starting to help. I am also using the nicotine inhaler. What I see ahead for myself is coming up to see daylight again, I am now on two antidepressants.
Tried to increase one on my own and ended up suicidal. I never would have done that, because I would never do that to my friends and family, but the feelings were there and they were strong. Anyway, now that things are getting better I can stick with NOPE and make it!! I will also put the blog out for help, before I go buy any. Thanks to my Ex friends for always supporting me no matter what.
If I could I would. Go for a nice long walk. I broke a small bone in my foot last Monday. It's healing and I've been trying to stay off it. Today however, I'm craving and going to get moving and pick up and vacuum. Got a boot on so that will help. I am always in awe at all the incredible things Young at heart does and I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me. My Dad had a set back and got bronchitis, but hopefully is on the mend now.
I went through a period of depression in February, and now I'm out of that funk and doing better again.
The lure of smoking has been with me every day. I have started to take better care of myself this last week. Cooking good healthy meals and taking all prescribed medication. March can be my bad month, because I had my first major breakdown mentally then and was hospitalized for exhaustion. Anyway, I want to end this and just say I'm going to make it another good day. Feeling a bit sad tho right now, i have such a hard time staying quit - just like we all do.
I will look at all the benefits of being smoke free. Clean hair, time to do my nails and read and crochet, fresh breath, altho in the mornings it feels like jungle breath, LOL.
Dear God, please I pray for everyone here and in my life who are suffering with physical illness and also those that have depression and anxiety. Please help everyone to stay strong, but cry if needed, and to give up all your trials and worries to God. Someone in my life recently reminded me of this, and it has helped me, to lift up in spirit and be very grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I can't say what tomorrow will bring, but I am so grateful to be here and alive and kicking in my own home. In Jesus name I ask for help for everyone who is suffering in some way and struggling to keep it smoke free. Amen.
Aside from breaking a small bone in my left foot, my mood is better. I have a walking boot now, follow up in 2 weeks.
It will heal better without smoking. I'm lucky I didn't break my ankle. I should still be able to get out and get more patches tomorrow. I guess this really is a roller coaster ride. Last Friday my moods could barely see daylight,
and today I am feeling better emotionally speaking. It helped that I got fast tracked at the clinic today, normally it would be a seven hour wait!! Someone smiled on me today!! xoxo
I am struggling along here. I woke up this morning I was so extremely depressed. I did get a call from my Dad and they want me to go out to dinner. I am so grateful to have them in my life still. I will try to get myself over this. I will call my councillor next week for help.
they are working on his mobility. Yesterday he walked down the hall and carried his walker. Mom is hanging in there too and I am staying with her. The quit is intact. I was home overnight last night and it was wonderful. Got brave and brought the car over here this morning. My nephew was driving us to the hospital because roads were icy. I am thanking. All you at ex for the wonderful prayers they are working. Will be back when I can. Xo chris
Last Sunday the car wouldn't start. Had new battery put in. Then Brian's chairlift starting beeping and wouldn't stop. Had it repaired. Then the toilet broke. Had it fixed 2x. Now I'm locked out of my phone. Hopefully get that fixed today.
Dad was in ER on Thursday, he thought he was having a heart attack, but they gave him meds. Got him home and he fell by the car. Got him up, he was ok, thank god. Weak, he hasn't been eating. Finally yesterday he ate an egg and a piece of toast. Girlfriends having surgery for breast cancer and friend next door hiatal hernia. She's sick too.
Car goes into shop Tuesday. I've had quite enough, lol, Calgon take me away!! Sometimes when it rains it pours.
I am getting though it. If one more thing breaks here, I'm going to yell and pound a pillow. NO smoking tho, my nerves are shot!!
Increased my anti-depressants today, and will be using anti anxiety meds to help me with my quit, it's helping all ready!! My Dad goes for his scan on Friday. Keeping fingers crossed that he will be ok soon.
Got out this morning in -37 degree weather, to do my groceries, and I had company this afternoon too, an old friend came over for coffee. He turns 65 tomorrow. He thinks 70 is old, not so, but his Mom died when she was 69, and his dad of a heart attack when he was 44 years old. Anyway, getting to the good stuff, my Dad finally felt better today, and I am so relieved. It's all up to God at this point. He's 90, Mom 89. I offered to pack a bag and go stay with them last night. Just running scared here. So many people with health issues and I care about them all so much!!! Nothing I can do but pray to God. I am not smoking over it. It's taken me all week to be ok. I'm finally ok.
So I was trying to figure out why I was so off the last couple of days. Cleaned out some of Brian's drawer's on Monday, it all caught up with me today. Talked to smoker's help line today too. Finally grieved today. Don't feel crazy anymore. I took extra medication last night too, and had a hot soak in the tub. I am quit, and am going to keep if.
Thank's Ellen and Marilyn for talking me through it. His Birthday was Jan. 25th. My grandson's is the 24th, he will be 15 years old. So I have that to celebrate!! xoxo
I have today and tomorrow left at my daughter's house here in San Jose, California. It has been a whirlwind trip, with wine tastings and tours, going to San Francisco, and the rain forest amazing! A New Year's Eve party with another family. The best part of it is that I haven't smoked. I will return home on Saturday. Weather here has been beautifully sunny and like fall temps back home. We even went to Saucalito over the golden gate bridge and did a boat tour past Angel Island, and Alcatraz. We did Fisherman's wharf too, and had lunch at a fancy restaurant on the ocean in Sosalito. (sorry can't spell) I must be extra careful to keep stacking up days quit when I return to Winnipeg. I am glad to say I've been too busy to think of smoking. Love you guys!! xo