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Christine13 Blog

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I've been in a funk every day, just staying home and trying to do my best.  I really notice that the more I accomplish here the better I feel.  I don't like it when I'm "stuck" in one place with all my thoughts.  I did get out yesterday to my parents house.  Each visit is precious.  Now when it comes down to it, it's up to me to make my day happen.

Change of seasons is tough for me and so many others.  Sept 6th 11 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Thank goodness I had Brian here to help me through it.  I am just wandering aimlessly sometimes, lost in my own head.  I know smoking is off the table.  It would be nice, if I could figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Right now, I'm just managing one day at a time.  Same for the quit.  One day at a time!  I got more patches at shopper's drug mart today, and that makes me very happy, that I could drive there to get them.

I am super worried about my daughter and her family in California, anxious, but there isn't one thing I can do for them except pray that they and their house will be ok.  Ok, this is nuts I'm rambling here, but I didn't smoke.

I am trying to focus on all the things to be grateful for.  I've had somewhat of a negative attitude lately, and I don't like that!!  thanks for reading all my EX friends. xo

Christine13

Working on day 7!

Posted by Christine13 Aug 31, 2020

Up at 4:45 a.m.  Haven't smoked, and I'm working on Day 7 today!  Last night was brutal again.  But no one ever died from a crave.  I rode it out, went up to bed early and that was a wrap to the day.

My throat is finally starting to feel better as well.

Christine13

Day 6

Posted by Christine13 Aug 30, 2020

It's storming here, glad I don't have to run outside and smoke!!  Today has been quite a bit better.

Onto day 7 tomorrow.

Christine13

Working on day 5

Posted by Christine13 Aug 29, 2020

Slept in, got up and still craving.  Thought about going to buy some.  Not going to.  The only way out is through.

Why would I want to go get some, when the thought of putting another cigarette to my lips makes me cringe.

The mind is tricky.  If I did buy, I'd be right back to square one.  I am going to grocery shop today, that's no where near the gas station.  A crave won't kill me, but cigarettes will.

Christine13

I'm on day 4 today.

Posted by Christine13 Aug 28, 2020

Yes, I'm on the dreaded day four.  I am having cravings, and also smokemares every night.  Last night I dreamt I was in prison.  There were no cigarettes, and I thought good, at least my quit is safe.  I am pledging every day and honouring that pledge.  I have no rescue or emergency cigarettes.  I don't need gas, so there will be no going to the gas station to tempt me.  I have been isolating for over two weeks due to a sore throat.  I'm on antibiotics but they don't seem to be working.  Next thing to do is get a COVID test if I finish them and I'm not better.  Every morning I get up and come to EX, and then I go sit out on the deck, and pray for strength, and for god to help me get through my last quit.

I go through my daily prayer list for others too.  I realize I am very fortunate, not to be in any life threatening instances like those in California, Louisiana, or Texas.  I know I can make good, as long as I have the desire to do this.  I know it get's better along the way too.  I guess before I just gave myself excuse after excuse.  I guess I didn't want to do the work.  Now I want to do the work to make it through.  There is a difference.

Christine13

Feeling good on day 3

Posted by Christine13 Aug 27, 2020

Working on my quit this time with no slips.  Yes I'm on day 3 today.  I'm starting to feel better too.  I feel much calmer today and I know I'm not going back.  Day 3 and day 4 and day 5 can be my worst days to get through.

Last night, I was having a crave, and instead of going for cigarettes I ate a couple of ju-jubes, and a few potato chips.

It helped.  This first week, I'm going to have a few food treats, and then switch to something healthier like baby carrots next week.  I have to believe that no matter what happens, I will somehow manage it without turning to cigarettes.

I will try and blog every day.  I really liked Jackie's post yesterday about looking at this like it's a challenge.

I WILL get through this.  I will make good.  

Christine13

The New Routine

Posted by Christine13 Aug 10, 2020

Getting there with my routine, I wake up get pills for myself.  Feed and water Ruby.  Get my coffee and water.

Then answer e-mails and come to EX.  My hardest time remains in the morning.  It's as hard to change my morning routine, as it is to stop smoking.  Going on to the weekend.  Friday I woke up lost again, but moved through the day.  I hate to say I miss my cigs so much.  Had anxiety yesterday but made it through it.  Yesterday was a good day, with company of my parents in the morning, and my daughter and her husband over later and they brought supper.

Tomorrow I meet two friends for lunch.  I have anxiety about that too.  Why?  It should be a good time, they don't smoke either.  Will have to talk to my Dr. about this when he calls me later in August.  I just want to be free to come and go, and be more confident when making plans to go out.  In later years I was always a closet smoker.  Never smoking in front of company or in the house.  I can make this happen.  COVID has done a number on me, by keeping me at home, and actually I'm quite happy to go through it.  Gives me an excuse not to go out and face my anxiety about going out.  Smoking doesn't solve anything.  The only way out is through.  I just wish I could get myself moving more.

Sorry rambling here.  Do I make sense?  Not sure.  Not smoking over it.  

Christine13

Day four is a doozy!

Posted by Christine13 Aug 7, 2020

Not sure if it's because I woke up earlier today or not.  I'm really digging in my heels today not to smoke. Got my water and deep breathing, and I've got a lemon handy too.  It's 10:15 a.m. once 12:00 noon hits, it may be easier. Time to eat something too.  I will be going out for groceries soon, that should be a good distraction.

Christine13

Day 3

Posted by Christine13 Aug 6, 2020

I'm on day 3 today.  Everyone has been so helpful.  I woke up late and went to bed early and even took a nap yesterday. (I never nap)  It's past noon now, so I think I am safe for the rest of the day now.  I am taking my cat Ruby Tuesday into the vet today for her wellness check up and shots.  Getting her into the cat carrier will be tough, but my friend ellen suggested a pillow case and I will try that.  It's going to be a good day.  Oh by the way Diane Joy i found a grief group near me that starts in September and it's close to me!  Who new?  Thank you for the site name.

Had a smoking dream.  Woke up and for a second I thought I'd smoked!  What a nightmare.  No I didn't smoke.

Christine13

Day 2

Posted by Christine13 Aug 5, 2020

Day 2 and all is well.  I made it through the morning.  The rest of the day shouldn't be too bad I hope.

How do I stop the cigarette addiction?  Most days I can hardly get going and get dressed and get functional.

I sit in a daze all day, as long as I'm on the computer I am ok.  Why do I smoke?  Why do I want to stop?

I somehow let my smoking life take over.  I have to actually get this!!  After Brian I just feel like I'm just going through the motions of living.  So now is my question, why does it really matter?  It does, I know I matter to some, but I still don't feel worthy.  I feel like I am weak when it comes to smoking, and yet one day I had it going well, and then screwed up.

 

Put it this way, I don't need cigarettes to numb me up, I am already numb.  Why do I want to quit?

I just want to relieve my mental torture, and shi* or get off the pot.  Either you smoke or you don't.

I've succumbed to having two cigarettes every morning.  Tomorrow I wake up fresh, I won't want to face the day smokefree but I will.  There are a lot of newbies right now.  I am a newbie/oldie.  Dear god, give me strength, to live my life and not a lie.

please, I need to do a 180 here and change my life, I have a lot of fear about quitting.  I have fear I will loose it completely.  

Today my grandson has some complicated oral surgery, last time he had oral surgery, he shook, threw up blood, ran a fever, and was sooo sick my daughter didn't think he'd make it through.  I'm praying all goes well for him today.

Christine13

Slug it out!

Posted by Christine13 Jul 14, 2020

I feel like a slug.  I'm not smoking over it!  Going to force myself to do some cleaning and go for a much needed walk.

I hate depression.  Smoking wouldn't make me feel better.  i know that.  It's all up to me to improve my day.

Christine13

Great News!

Posted by Christine13 Jul 10, 2020

My lung ct showed no evidence of disease.  Thank you for the prayers!

Christine13

Low Dose CT lung scan

Posted by Christine13 Jun 29, 2020

I have my lung scan today, anxious, praying I'm ok for another year.

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