Hi, I'm not used to asking for help. Usually I wait until it's too late to help. I am working on day 4 today.
Since I've been awake and more groggy this morning, I've wanted to light up. That's the trigger. Tired, even tho I slept about 12 hours last night. I am loving not stinking like a smoke tho, and I want to make it through the day without smoking. I lost my internet connection this morning, so I couldn't get here to blog right away to ask for help.
I am very slowly getting through it. I notice my brain was quieter the last three days, and today, there is a lot of thoughts and business in there. Saturdays are always a tough day for me, because I don't hear from anyone in my family. It's quiet, a little too quiet. I usually listen to the radio when I get up but not the last 3 days, because the music always gets me thinking way too much. Anyway, I'm finding lots of inspiration here, and I really want to keep going.
I sure as heck don't want another day one again ever!! I only want days WON - as Marilyn would say. Am I scared to be a success?
Yes I am because I've let myself and others down so much in the past!! It's almost like it's a jinx, that I have to get through. I don't want to be a newbie forever.
Ok, well, I'm rambling here, part of this is knowing when it's time to ask for help. The craves are bad today.
I'm trying to use EX the way it was meant to be used. As support and a tool for getting through the worst of the craves. Wish all the voices in my head would just shut *up*!! Ok, I'm going to get ready and go out to the grocery store and get my mind occupied on something else, even tho I don't feel like it. That's me always stuck in one place.
Ok, I think I'm ok now. Thanks for letting me ramble on and keep my quit!! xo
I'm trying to get my act together here, and get something done here today, but it's a cloudy rainy day, and I've been feeling lazy. Just listening to music, like I do everyday. What happens if you're bored and you can't get motivated to do SOMETHING, just anything??? I'm sitting on my butt. Not smoking tho. I guess I'm just tired after getting up so early this morning. Please tell me what you are up to today. Ok, just rambling here thinking about Brian a lot. I could have sworn I felt his essence this morning. I wish he was here, sigh.
It's always my thoughts that get me into trouble with my quit and powerful memories from the past. It's junkie thinking, and I know that, every quit I have there comes a time I see a movie going in my head about smoking a cigarette. It's time to replace that movie in my head with something more positive like seeing myself outside and gazing up at the leaves on the big tree on my deck. Then there's the sneaky me, who says "Go ahead, no one will know." Trouble is "I know." So shut up brain. Come on, you "CAN" get through it!!
Mother's Day coming up tomorrow. I am so fortunate to be the Mom of two loving daughters, and a wonderful Mom who is 90 years old. Tomorrow I will be alone as my oldest daughter is working the night shift. She is a Mom too, and my grandson at age 17 years old is giving her plenty of grief, with drugs and failing his year at school. I was not a perfect Mom, neither was mine, and neither are my daughters. I was always drugged up with pyhch medications back when they were growing up, and I did a ton of therapy. I was lucky, because I loved my girls, and gave them good moral values, they are both hard working, and both have very kind hearts. I always feel so bad on Mother's Day each year, that I couldn't be more, and do more, but somehow I held this family together in spite of mental illness and also worked part-time when I could. Also Brian's and my what would be 46th anniversary is on Monday. I won't be sad tho, we had 43 years together. I wasn't the perfect wife either. So just for today, I give Kudos to all those Mom's who did the very best that they could under their circumstances. Just for today, I won't smoke!! I am still a work in progress even at 65 years old. I am grateful for my family, and all the Mom's. Furbaby Mom's and to those who have lost theirs and still have theirs.
Ok, well, it's been awhile since I blogged. Things here in Manitoba are good, not that many cases or new cases.
My folks are coming over tonight for dinner, and we will social distance at my house. I love EX and all the support here.
Love you guys, I'm not perfect, but I want the perfect quit.
Keep on striving everyone!! Each day is a blessing!!
Many prayers being said for Ellen. She seems to be exhausted each day, and I'm hoping with prayers she will get better. This is such a tough time, especially for those with COPD. Please say prayers for her, or send positive thoughts to her!! Ellen please we need an update posted here.
Hi, the last week or so I've been feeling really depressed and down on myself. Then yesterday I talked to our Marilyn on the phone. She perked me up and I woke up to a better day, beginning with getting on and keeping on.
All I can say, is when you are down on yourself it doesn't help to beat yourself up further. I continue to do the best I can do, each day. I don't know where this is going, but I thank god for true friends, and the ability to get up and function each day. Spring is a tough time for me, the changing of seasons, and Brian isn't here. I do look forward to warmer days and sitting out on the deck and doing some social distancing visiting. I know smoking isn't and hasn't helped me any.
i keep foraging ahead. Trying when there is almost no will left. I won't give up hope tho, it's all up to me!!
You've all pulled me through some very tough times in my life. I am finding out that I am a lot tougher than I ever thought. What better time to stop smoking has never come. It's time for us to all take a deep breath and say for today I will continue on no matter what happens. To be smoke free is a goal, and each day if we can work through our issues with life we will stay smoke free. I will stay smoke free!! I am very blessed, because I can work through these emotional issues with the quit without affecting my Brian. It will all be what it will be, things will work out for our world, and if it comes crashing down then, we will strive to rebuild. I had a good smoke free day, I got to talk to my daughter and my cousin and my 91 year old Dad. Reach out, call someone, in your family, or text a friend. We will all be ok. Keep calm and carry On, that is my motto these days and I'm doing it!!
I've had a sore throat for almost 9 days now. I think it's Strep Throat. Went to my Dr.'s office and they were all wearing masks and they gave me one to put on too. They said they were doing something different now, and the Dr. would call me this afternoon to access the situation. If it's strep he will be prescribing anti-biotics over the phone. Of course now I have to self isolate too, which I was doing anyway. I wish they would have told me that yesterday before I spent money on cabs. I'm fairly sure this is not Covid-19, but am a bit concerned now about it.
I live my life for others, as we all do. I am beginning to value my alone time, and I'm not so stressed out right now. I realize that my quit comes with depression, but I am here, to challenge each day. Today was a very good day, and so was yesterday. No depression. I have my cat Ruby Tuesday, and the others in my life. You know the family members, and friends. I have only ever ended two friendships in my life. The girl that started me smoking, and the girl, that just couldn't see all the good things in life, or what I had to offer. I lashed out at her, in my grief and pain, but she was toxic, to me. Still I want her back, I'm not the one who ends friendships easily. I miss her. It's the same thing with the cigarettes, altho, they helped me cope, My ex-friend Linda helped me cope, when I needed her. It was a self defeating relationship tho. I am just putting it out there, I did something I felt I had to do, after all the critisisim, but I think she was actually, meaning well. I want to call her. I pray she is ok. You know, when someone gives you tough love, and puts your face on it, well, I don't take tough love very, well, and she was giving it to me all the time, while denying her shopping addiction, but I never pointed that out to her. It is what it is, I want to make amends, but I'm not sure she is willing or able. I don't want to set myself up for yet another rejection. Ok, sorry just rambling here.
Signing off, I WILL keep my quit!! Chrissie, keeping it real.
Hi SuzyQ called me today, to let me know she has no computer access right now, but she's keeping her amazing quit and she has 47 days and not smoked 705 cigarettes. She asked me to let you all know, that she will be back as soon as she can and is keeping quit!
I am trying to re-define myself after working part-time, and raising a family. Heck I'm trying to re-define my life after Brian. I had a dream last night, he cheated in the dream, and I woke up jealous. We were apartment sitting for a lawyer and her friend. She gave me $10.oo, and an ashtray that said in it My Friend. I loved that ashtray, and then Brian was buying a carton of cigarettes, and I said I don't want to do that anymore! I don't want to! I am not going to!
I guess my subconsious was telling me that I viewed cigarettes as my friend, cause I loved that ashtray!! They are not friends of mine!! Not at all!!! It was an old comfort, and I'm learning new things here, to delay and distract.
It's all about learning and applying it. I think I must have some kind of learning disability because I never GOT it in my brain, that cigarettes are not friends!! They are not, and I'm learning to deal with life every day, and not use any excuses for myself............ahhh, it's all finally sinking in now, walk and deep breathe, and just get refocused. I don't have anyone here anymore, but I am still striving for the perfect quit. xoxo Chrissie, keeping it real.
I wake up and the house is quiet, except for Ruby wanting her food. I feel depression pulling me down, but I still go on forcing myself to go on and do things to keep the house going and feed myself too. I need to change my life completely but I don't know how, and just feel overwhelmed with everything. Anyway, I will somehow pull myself out of this rut that I've been in since Brian died. I need to reset my gadget, I think I broke it Mark can you help me with that? The only one that can do this is me. I'm so sad to face my inabilities and I'm sure you are fed up with me.
I have never felt so ugly inside. In two weeks I see my therapist and next time I won't leave it so long. I tell you smoking just makes you feel worse about yourself. I don't know if I have the guts to post this or not. I will dig in once again and make it through the day smokefree.