I have had weeks of depression but today I feel good. Even tho we are under lockdown here in Winnipeg. I have been self isolating for 2 weeks now anyway due to a sore throat. I have discovered that I can order my groceries online, and that makes me very happy!
My daughter WILL be moving back in with me, and maybe my 17 year old grandson and my daughter's big white dog.
My house is small. My daughter is hard to live with, but she says she's done with her husband. She won't have to pay rent, so she can save up for her own place. Aside from these worries, I actually feel calm. I can handle this, right?
I said, I won't tell her what to do, if she doesn't tell me what to do. I wonder how long that will last.
Where does this take me? I won't be all alone in the house any more, altho I expect more stress. Thank god she stopped smoking 3 years ago!! Today is a sunny day!! I have a lot to be grateful for. Smoking is not an option.
What I didn't know yesterday was that today would be so much better!! Yesterday I was completely overwhelmed and very depressed. Then last night my cat Ruby Tuesday went missing. She is strictly an indoor cat, but got out of the house last night, when I got a delivery. Y e a h, she's been escaping on me all week. Last night at 1:00 am. I was walking outside calling her name, but she was no where to be seen. I came home empty handed. Last night I couldn't sleep without her. Anyway ended up sleeping on the couch, in case she came to the door, I would hear her.
This morning, my good neighbour Thom and I proceeded to go through the neighbourhood to look for her.
We met up in my backyard empty handed. Thom went to sit down on the deck to have a smoke, and I went inside to get bird seed for my feeder. When I opened the door, ruby was with him!! She was under the back steps for the night.
Relieved and happy she is home with me once again!! When things get bad, they sometimes look worse, and then within 12 hours they can change again. So if you are stressed and overwhelmed, just remember, things can turn around, within 12 hours. I'm not smoking, my daughter may be moving home again. I said to her just don't try to tell me what to do and I won't tell you what to do either. I've been isolating all last week, because of a minor sore throat, but it's gone so I will be going out tomorrow to get groceries. When did grocery shopping become exciting?? Covid.
I haven't sunk so low as I did yesterday. All I can say is I'm here, still kicking and fighting to reach my goal of smoke freedom!! My moods swing ordinarily, but any extra stress is bad, I'm learning how to cope tho without the cigs.
This morning, I had such a bad coughing fit. I finally cleared my lungs. I guess my lungs are healing???
I had a smoking dream before I woke up. I am craving badly this morning in spite of all the coughing.
In 5 minutes I will be on my way to my parents for coffee and a breakfast sandwich. Good, that will keep my mind and body busy for a few hours. Trying to be vigilant, and believe it gets better, and as Carl said in one of his blogs,
to push through it!! Will let you know how the day goes.
Yep, making it through day 4, not a ton of craves today. Did my physio for my cracked knee cap. I'm doing another important thing, and that is eating. Before, I always tried to stave off my craves for food with cigarettes.
I'm learning lots of important things to do, or not do. Tomorrow will be a busier day, because I'm going to wake up early and go see my parents, for an early lunch, then I'm going to go to their Canadian Tire and look for song bird food for my birdies.
Yes, it was a relaxing day, and do I dare say, another pjama day? I really liked what Carl said about pushing through this, and that's what I'm doing.
I've pretty much been at home the last couple of days. Finally onto day 4. Yesterday was tough but I made it through it. Building a quit is satisfying. I can already feel better about this. I'm banking on all those who say it gets so much better. Today is Saturday so I really have to watch myself, because Saturdays I'm at loose ends.
I haven't seen anyone since last Monday, but I've been talking to friends and family on the phone a lot. It helps me a lot. I can't wait until this week is over and I'm through Hell week.
Gotta take care of myself now. Don't want to. I am much better at taking care of everyone else.
I was walking for my flu shot last week, and I thought why do I bother? Well, it came to me, that I'm doing this for
me and my daughter here, so I don't get sick. Both my daughters.
My Aunt passed away on Monday at 7:40 in the morning. I am sad, I talked to my Mom, and she has mixed feelings about it, because my Aunt used to take advantage of her every summer and just drop her kids off for the summer, one of them with cerebral palsy and in a wheelchair. My Aunt would drop the kids and just go about her social life.
My Mom already had five kids to take care of. Anyway, I'm sad because she doesn't feel upset that she's gone, but anger is one of the first grief emotions we feel.
I sent my cousin flowers, and I think she was touched. She has her own family, but her brother passed on last year so now she is the remaining survivor of the family she was in.
That coupled with the fact that I found out I have osteo arthritis in my knees, hips and back. I broke my right knee cap, last December. It has healed into just being a crack now. I have physio to do, and I was fitted for a knee brace, which my insurance covered at $800.00 a pop. Thank god no surgery needed.
So today I started over with my quit. I want this to be the perfect quit, and I want to reach inside myself and tell myself I'm worth the effort. I hate it that I just haven't been able to grasp the fact that I need this quit to carry on my life.
I am alone now, so I've gotta convince myself that I still matter and am worth it. I think this post is ripe with excuses, here, and I've been at this a long time.
I give up too easy. I feel the depression and I just want to smoke, but so many others are doing this, in spite of mental health issues. There was once a post I saw somewhere, about a man who fell off a bridge, and a man, threw him a rope and said to pull himself up, but the man cried no I can't. This went on for a long while, with the man pleading with him to pull himself up, but he wouldn't, and the man on the bridge had to let him go. I'm trying to pull up myself. I hope for better days. So many of you have been willing to pull me up!!
So I've been wanting to blog for a couple of days here. All heck is breaking loose here right now.
My Aunt is in hospice, my grandson was just diagnosed with a mood disorder and started anti-depressants and councilling. My nephew is in California, he is a only child and he is a professor. He is having a nervous breakdown. Brian's brother flew there yesterday, to get him in to see psychiatrist, and hospital. I am having a Thanksgiving dinner here on Monday, invited my daughter and son-in-law to come, but she doesn't like my parents and turned me down flat. So what can I do??? Nothing, not one thing except pray. I am a worrier, and worry about everyone, the only thing I can control is me and whether I smoke or not. I am planning on cooking and cleaning all weekend. I'm thankful I won't be alone this Thanksgiving. I am thankful, that my grandson is getting the help he needs, and Thankful my nephew will too.
My Aunt is 95 years old and she's always been a character!! She went downhill skiing when she was 90!! She raised a family alone. She's lived the life she wanted to, even tho it wasn't easy she did well, and thrived. She's had a good life. She lives in another province, but her ashes will be buried here with her parents. Another life ending, sad, but we will remember her for her strong will and determination.
Hi, just wanted to let you know, since my last post was rather depressive that I am doing a lot better this last week.
Today my parents are coming for a visit and Dad is bringing muffins and coffee too.
I'm going to do everything I can think of to keep this quit going. My daughter was over for a painting night on Friday, and it was wonderful. Well, just wanted you to know. Yesterday I went for a drive through the park, and the fall colours were beautiful. I didn't get my spot to sit by the river, because it was very busy there, but I will go back this week.
Well, i want each and everyone of you to know that you can change a negative to a positive, and yes I am really ready
to go through the difficulties of being quit.Have a beautiful Sunday. this just got me through a crave!!
I've been in a funk every day, just staying home and trying to do my best. I really notice that the more I accomplish here the better I feel. I don't like it when I'm "stuck" in one place with all my thoughts. I did get out yesterday to my parents house. Each visit is precious. Now when it comes down to it, it's up to me to make my day happen.
Change of seasons is tough for me and so many others. Sept 6th 11 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Thank goodness I had Brian here to help me through it. I am just wandering aimlessly sometimes, lost in my own head. I know smoking is off the table. It would be nice, if I could figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Right now, I'm just managing one day at a time. Same for the quit. One day at a time! I got more patches at shopper's drug mart today, and that makes me very happy, that I could drive there to get them.
I am super worried about my daughter and her family in California, anxious, but there isn't one thing I can do for them except pray that they and their house will be ok. Ok, this is nuts I'm rambling here, but I didn't smoke.
I am trying to focus on all the things to be grateful for. I've had somewhat of a negative attitude lately, and I don't like that!! thanks for reading all my EX friends. xo
Yes, I'm on the dreaded day four. I am having cravings, and also smokemares every night. Last night I dreamt I was in prison. There were no cigarettes, and I thought good, at least my quit is safe. I am pledging every day and honouring that pledge. I have no rescue or emergency cigarettes. I don't need gas, so there will be no going to the gas station to tempt me. I have been isolating for over two weeks due to a sore throat. I'm on antibiotics but they don't seem to be working. Next thing to do is get a COVID test if I finish them and I'm not better. Every morning I get up and come to EX, and then I go sit out on the deck, and pray for strength, and for god to help me get through my last quit.
I go through my daily prayer list for others too. I realize I am very fortunate, not to be in any life threatening instances like those in California, Louisiana, or Texas. I know I can make good, as long as I have the desire to do this. I know it get's better along the way too. I guess before I just gave myself excuse after excuse. I guess I didn't want to do the work. Now I want to do the work to make it through. There is a difference.