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Christine13 Blog

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The days come and go.

Posted by Christine13 Feb 16, 2020

I am trying to re-define myself after working part-time, and raising a family.  Heck I'm trying to re-define my life after Brian.  I had a dream last night, he cheated in the dream, and I woke up jealous.  We were apartment sitting for a lawyer and her friend.  She gave me $10.oo, and an ashtray that said in it My Friend.  I loved that ashtray, and then Brian was buying a carton of cigarettes, and I said I don't want to do that anymore!  I don't want to!  I am not going to!

I guess my subconsious was telling me that I viewed cigarettes as my friend, cause I loved that ashtray!!  They are not friends of mine!!  Not at all!!!  It was an old comfort, and I'm learning new things here, to delay and distract.

It's all about learning and applying it.  I think I must have some kind of learning disability because I never GOT it in my brain, that cigarettes are not friends!!  They are not, and I'm learning to deal with life every day, and not use any excuses for myself............ahhh, it's all finally sinking in now, walk and deep breathe, and just get refocused.  I don't have anyone here anymore, but I am still striving for the perfect quit. xoxo Chrissie, keeping it real.

I wake up and the house is quiet, except for Ruby wanting her food.  I feel depression pulling me down, but I still go on forcing myself to go on and do things to keep the house going and feed myself too.  I need to change my life completely but I don't know how, and just feel overwhelmed with everything.  Anyway, I will somehow pull myself out of this rut that I've been in since Brian died.  I need to reset my gadget, I think I broke it  Mark can you help me with that?  The only one that can do this is me.  I'm so sad to face my inabilities and I'm sure you are fed up with me.

I have never felt so ugly inside.  In two weeks I see my therapist and next time I won't leave it so long.  I tell you smoking just makes you feel worse about yourself.  I don't know if I have the guts to post this or not.  I will dig in once again and make it through the day smokefree.



Posted by Christine13 Dec 7, 2019

I am hurting today over a friendship I had to end that was hurting me.  Sounds a lot like cigarettes doesn't it?



Great News!

Posted by Christine13 Nov 25, 2019

The really great news I got today is that I have a normal brain, and the CT angiogram showed no evidence of an aneurysm.  I guess what the MRI saw was artifactual!!  I am so relieved, and I am even more determined to keep my quit now!!



Posted by Christine13 Nov 17, 2019

I've been delaying this help post, I don't like to ask for help.  Why I'm not sure.  I know how this goes.

Delay, Distract, Deep Breathe, Drink water, Discuss.


So right now, I'm Delaying that smoke.  I've also been drinking water, next, I will be Deep Breathing.  


The only way out is through.  I'm going back to bed and watch a Hallmark movie to Distract.


posting does help, because I know someone will be along to help soon.

Hi my friends.  I was supposed to be going to Florida to meet up with two widow girlfriends.  We were going to be the three musketeers, and hang out at the pool, and go out for dinner and shopping, and just generally chilling out together.  Would have been the first time I've met them.  I met them online many years ago, they both stopped smoking.  One for 15 years the other has 4 years now!!  Trouble is I have an aneurysm in my brain, and if it ruptures and I go to see my American friends my health insurance won't cover me.  So rather than gamble that way, I'm staying here until this matter is resolved.   So I'm looking forward to Halloween and all the little trick or treaters too!  I've also got money to spend on the kids for Christmas.   I'm just hoping to make my 65th Birthday in March, cause you see I'm only 40 years old in my head.  lol.  But if I go, it would be sudden I hope!!  But by God I'm a fighter, and I don't give up, not even on the quit even tho, I've had great difficulty with it.  So now I'm going to enjoy Halloween and Christmas and just keep working to be free of nicotine.  I've had so much anxieties about going away when not well, and now I'm not, so I'm relieved!!


I go for blood tests next week, and a CT angiogram November 7th and then I'll know more about what's expected.

Keeping quit today, and going to my sister's tonight for dinner.  Many blessings to all of you, my friends,  It's all good, you can either be positive or negative.  I'm positive that God wants me around to be a ripe old 80 years old!!


By the way please say a prayer for the Californians who are having their houses ravaged by fire.  My daughter is there and grandson and son-in-law.  They will be without power again for 3 days.  Dale, are you ok where you are?


xoxo everyone, Chrissy as usual.  by the way Larry thanks for guiding the way for all of us!!


*Just checking In*

Posted by Christine13 Oct 9, 2019

Hi, I just wanted to check in and tell you all that I'm doing all right this week.  I am working on day 3 today.

Someone asked me if I wanted to quit?  Or if I was quitting because I should quit.  For me, it's because I should quit, and I don't want to leave my children motherless at this point.  Monday was a horrid day.  I woke up and anxiety was off the charts.  I didn't smoke - I took an anti-anxiety med and took a hot bath a went back to bed.  I have just been feeling so overwhelmed with things here lately.  I made an appointment next week with my therapist and wow, I have a lot to talk to him about!  I am going away to Florida on October 29th, and I am meeting two other widow's there that I've never met before.  I realize my whole life I've had so much FEAR.  FEAR about quitting, loosing control, and loosing my sanity.  FEAR of driving anywhere, which at the worst of times makes me house bound.  I really, really, want to go away for a break, but have anxiety about meeting the two other ladies.  I find myself praying my way through things.  Last week I went to my Yoga class alone, and I got lost on the way there, because my neighbour usually drives us.  I was praying out loud that day and found my way.  The difference is with my quit, is I can't do it for anyone else but me.  I have had the ultimate in support here.  There is no reason why this can't be my last quit!!

I've done all the reading, I just need to keep it simple and not stick a cig in my face.  Tuesday and today were wonderful days.  We are expecting 2 feet of snow, and I got out and did my groceries and got to the bank to get my money for my trip.  The bottom line is - I want to live!!  i am admitting to myself that I've been wishy washy, and just not strong enough to make a comitment to this.  The result of that has been HELL, on my conscience, and makes me feel like such a BAD person.  I haven't gone the distance, but I need to just to vindicate myself.  For all here who have supported me, I thank you so much!!  Tomorrow is Yoga class again, I wonder if I will suck it up and drive in the snow.

My life is changing, I have to go with the flow and change with it or be lost in the abysse.


MRI - results

Posted by Christine13 Sep 25, 2019

Hi, got my MRI results on Monday.  There is a 2 cm mass in my brain.  They don't know if it is an aneurism or what.

Another MRI with dye will need to be done.  I'm just praying it isn't cancer up in my noggin.

I said to the Dr. so there are actually some brains up there, lol.  I said not just rocks?  Honestly I'm trying not to stress about it until I know more.

I've got a hole in my roof and I might drown.  LOL, don't know who sang that.  Anyway I do have a hole in my roof!

The roofer has been out to fix it twice and it stormed again, and is leaking again.  I am going to have to call him again.  Ugh, I thought it was fixed so I asked my contractor to come out on Monday to asses damages to the drywall ceiling inside.  Sometimes when it rains it pours quite literally.  This is just another challenge as a home owner, I just hope something can be done to make sure it doesn't leak again!  The inside may have asbestos insulation too, so that will also have to be taken out.  It's not worth smoking over - it's not worth getting stressed out about.  At least it didn't happen during the winter when I was away.  I'm feeling pressure about cost tho.  Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm not smoking over this, because then I would be smoking and still have to deal with the problem.


Yup, continue forward

Posted by Christine13 Sep 13, 2019

That's what I'm doing, I realize I have to suck it up and continue forward no matter what happens.  I have a lot to be grateful for, my neighbour was here today, after her heart attack and said she just wanted to be dead, instead of facing here challenges.  She couldn't understand why she had a heart attack, and didn't want to stop smoking.  Her self esteem in in the toilet too.  I said to her things would get better and she had to believe that, and I also recommended she talk to her doctor about her anti-depressants,  I kind of just let her vent.  I asked her if there was anything I could do and she said no just listen,  So I listened, depression is a horrible thing, and I deal with it on a daily basis.  I am so grateful I have all of your support.  I am learning to be grateful for so much!!  Well, tomorrow is another day, blessings to everyone here, I light candles every day and pray for everyone, and I also pray for peace for our world.


by the way, it was a good day for me!!


xoxo Chrissie keeping it real.


MRI today.

Posted by Christine13 Sep 12, 2019

Hi my friends, I'm going for an MRI today to check to see if I have a brain aneurism.  It's hereditary, and my mom had one burst in her brain 12 years ago she almost died, but after a stroke and having a tracheostomy after 3 months in hospital and a lot of work she was able to get home.  The doctor said it's very important that all us kids get checked.  (My doctor wouldn't send me for one until now)

I am hoping test results will be good.  I have to take a cab way out across the city, I can't wait until this test is over with.  I am hoping that they don't use any dye because I am allergic to shellfish dye.  I'm a bit nervous.

This doesn't have anything to do with smoking or not, but if there is anything I have a much better chance at recovery, without smoking if they have to do an operation.


The changes I like!!

Posted by Christine13 Sep 1, 2019

Ready for some changes here in my life now that I am a nonsmoker.  Today I ordered a vivofit 3 online, step counter.(Usually my only thing I buy is groceries)  It's like a fitbit but way less expensive.  I love the way my long hair smells, and I've found that there is so much to do, here in the house, that I've neglected for so long!!  I did and am taking inventory of my house, and all the work that needs to be done.  Yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours deep cleaning and organizing, and boy did I ever feel good about that, was pouring sweat after vacuuming 14 steps to go upstairs.  Now that just goes to show how out of shape my body is.  There was no rapid breathing tho, that I used to get before.   Bonus!!  I loved it that I didn't have to go out in the rain and cold weather to smoke, and that will be even better when it hits -50 below here during the winter.

I am having my parents over for a bbq today and looking so forward to it!!  If you wonder why I'm rambling, it's to get through a crave, lol.  I am also looking forward to a much better complexion.  I am old at age 64, but by gosh, life is great!!  My cat Ruby Tuesday and I are getting along beautifully together.  Life is so good, when you find new alternatives to smoking.  Why not be loving yourself, instead of hiding behind that awful smokescreen!!


Update on Luna

Posted by Christine13 Aug 26, 2019

Luna had her surgery on Friday, she seems to have better mobility than expected.  She is on such strong antibiotics Cherie has to wear gloves.  Still hoping and praying for her!  Cherie's husband got home too!!  I also had a wonderful smoke free weekend at the lake with my sister's and their husbands.  Thanks so much everyone for your prayers!


Difficult times.

Posted by Christine13 Aug 16, 2019

Right now, I'm focusing on the fact that I can get through these difficult times without smoking.  Thanks to Marilyn I realize there are going to be good and bad days, and you just have to ride it through.  I am praying everyday that my daughter's dog makes it through this trial.  Luna is her name and she is a great dane,  She has had many health issues and right now her body is rejecting a rod implant in her leg.  She and my daughter have been through so very much.  Luna weighs 160 lbs.  My daughter says she has a hole in her leg through the stitches and she can see her plate and a pin.  She is taking her to a specialist on Monday.  She doesn't want them to amputate, because she has been through enough pain in her short life.  Unless there is a miracle, she will have to be put down.

We both cried on the phone today.  I am praying hard that there is some other solution.  

Today when I woke up I was also grieving Brian hard.  I cried the ugly cry, guess I'm done stuffing my emotions and that's a good thing.  So I will, yell, scream, cry the ugly cry, but darn it, I'm never going back to the cigs.  Finally, I've had that ah ha moment, and I will just go through my days and do what I need to do without smoking!!

If you could only see that I need to take it one day at a time, and the day wasn't all bad, I had a great visit with my oldest daughter today and got to see my first grandchild, and he got his driver's license too!!  Tonight I go to bed and be comforted by god, and all of you here, who have always helped me sooo much!!

xoxo Chris

Oh p.s. on another good note, I've been walking again to ease my stress and it helps so much.  Yup, walking and praying.

When we were born were we automatically given this life force to strive and succeed or live for each day?

For some people God is not an option, so  let's take that out of the equation.  What drives us to survive?

I know for me it's people and giving back, and trying not to give up on myself and face the challenges that life has to offer. But through all my struggles I have felt this inner need to continue, even in my darkest days, and I am a believer in people, and mother nature, and god.  Isn't a miracle that we are all striving here to do the best we can do no matter what?  I am striving to be with this life force, and stop killing myself with addiction.


What do you think?  What has driven you to success?

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