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Christine13 Blog

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Christine13

I CAN DO IT!!!!

Posted by Christine13 Jun 15, 2018

I can do it!!!  I can keep my quit, and enjoy each day, without turning to the death sticks.  I must keep in mind that even tho Brian isn't with me anymore, that my life does have purpose.  Like the calm after the storm last night I am feeling much better today.  So..........I'm going to focus on the positives in my life and get busy with living smoke free.  Every day will bring it's own challenges, earlier this week, I just wanted to go be with Brian.  Today I have a fresh perspective, even at 63 years old I have something to offer.

Christine13

Day 2

Posted by Christine13 Jun 12, 2018

Hiiii.........I'm going to try to blog everyday to keep myself accountable for my quit.  I have learned all there is to learn about smoking and quitting, and up until now, NONE of it stuck!!!  Just what the heck was I thinking of.  No more sneaking around and betraying myself.  Ellen's blog yesterday really hit me!!  All the denial I've been in.  There is no magic, as much as I'd like it.  It's hard work, and I'm going to be working on my goal to finally become an Elder.

Worried about our dear friend Ellen.  I know her breathing was really bad, but that she started antibiotics.  I guess she is too sick to write or her computer crapped out.  I am thinking of her and still praying for better days for her.

Christine13

Plugging along.

Posted by Christine13 May 29, 2018

Hi to all my Ex family!  I am doing ok, here, am feeling a bit squirrely here today.  I realize I haven't been taking very good care of myself in a long time.  I finally went to the doctor today and have a severe eye infection that is affecting my vision.  He prescribed a strong ointment for me, and I also picked up a wet/dry mask.  It is immpertive to take care of this and my quit.  I will have to follow up with a specialist.  June 1st I start my 6th month without Brian and I am doing a lot better with that.  It still comes in waves, but not as often, just like the quit.  I had an opportunity to go to my sister and brother-in-law's cottage this last weekend and was totally smoke free and I didn't crave either.  I haven't been here much because I was busy planting my garden and pots, and I love the flowers!!  Somehow I will get through the day without smoking, today it seems to be bothering me a lot.  I will get out my quit kit.  

Christine13

Coming Up.

Posted by Christine13 May 9, 2018

Finally I am looking forward to the challenge of remaining smoke free.  Friday will be what would have been our 44th wedding anniversary.  It's only been 4 months since Brian passed.  I started over yesterday, and I am willing to really challenge all my moods and emotions without the cancer sticks.  Last week was a heck of a week, with much anxiety and panic about everything.  It will only happen now, because I'm willing to start a new life without Brian and do the things I really need to do to stay quit.  Already my lungs feel better and now I have my garden to work in and the nice weather to appreciate.  So many people here have been kind to me, and patient and supportive.  I am very grateful.

I pretty much isolated myself last week because I was feeling so terrible.  I spent too many days alone, and will take steps to avoid that in the week coming up.  I have been here a long time, and should have many years quit by now.

If it weren't for my EX family to keep me trying I would have given up a long time ago.  So now there is no more try, there is only do!  xoxo

So excited, my step grandson and his lady are at the hospital last night and today, having baby number 1.

Soooo.............My daughter will be a gramma at age 42, and I will be a great grandma at 63!!!  Never thought I'd live to see this day!!!  Baby is breach tho, and contractions are 5 minutes apart.  Don't know if they had to induce or not.

I am praying for a safe delivery for Mom and baby boy!!!

Just writing tonight, just wanted to say my husband Brian always drove me anywhere I wanted to go, I was secure and dependant other than my independence here with the kids and raising them, but driving was always a barrier for me.

Now I am no longer in his protection, he passed Jan. 1st.  First Easter without him, and I am getting there day by day.

Part of me is still in shock..........he died.  I live on and today for the first time ever I used the GPS and drove to my sister Bonnie's for brunch.  It took courage and me telling myself I could do it!  I wanted to make an excuse but didn't-knew I had to face the unknown to build confidence for another day.  I am darn proud of myself, and I did it smokefree!!

God was protecting me today..........Easter Sunday, he has risen.  I look forward to tomorrow, another day won!  The feelings of cravings come in waves, just like the grief.  I am learning to do without Brian, and the smokes.  May you all be blessed on this day.............may you all overcome, just like I am learning to do one day at a time. xoxo Chrissie 

Christine13

Thinking Forward.......

Posted by Christine13 Mar 20, 2018

Thinking Forward today, what I have to do to get through the next crave.  It could be a good day or a bad day.  Right now it feels like a good day.  I have a ton of strength, but sometimes I feel weak and don't care much, all I want is my fix.  Moving forward through the days without Brian.  Going to talk to my therapist today, hope it's not too painful.

Thinking forward to better days ahead.  Spring is here.  Change of seasons.  I bought Calla Lillies to plant in the pots on the deck after the frost is out of the ground.  Brian would always do that for me.  I hope everyone has a beautiful smoke free day!  Many thanks to all the people here at EX for always being so helpful and compassionate.

Christine13

Moving forward.

Posted by Christine13 Mar 10, 2018

Slowly trying to move forward one day at a time.  Each day alone here has been a challenge to get through.

I am doing ok, but my Birthday was another 1st without Brian and it was wonderful but bittersweet too.

I have already had my share of firsts this year.  His Birthday, his two grandson's Birthdays, Valentine's day,

my Birthday.  Next is St. Patty's Day and Easter.  Each day I wake up I know I have to continue on one day at a time,

without him, and without the smokes.  The only way out for me is through, with life and stopping smoking.  Making this quit my last.  I can't believe I am alone here and free from the sickness he had and all the caregiving I did for so long.

I would do it all again.  I am feeling all my raw emotions no more pushing them down with the smokes.  I want to move on, I want this pain to stop, I want him back!!!  The reality is - he's not coming back.  I try and do things to stay busy, and distracted and sometimes I am a clock watcher and wait for the evenings when my friends call me, and to go to bed with another day won.  I know this is kind of depressing, and maybe that's how I feel today, depressed.

Christine13

No Control

Posted by Christine13 Mar 3, 2018

I have absolutely no control over my smoking, all these years I've been trying to control my addiction.  I have no control when it comes to cigarette addiction.  I cannot have even one!!!  Or I will be back to smoking again.  I don't know if I have just been surface learning all these years on this site with my quits?  I need to internalize that I just can never go back there until it becomes my new way of life.  The path is clear, it is ahead of me.  The coin finally hits the spot!!!

NOT ONE PUFF..............!!!!

Christine13

Doing well today.

Posted by Christine13 Feb 23, 2018

Going out for a complete physical this morning, fasting 15 hours.  No coffee this morning, and oddly no cravings to smoke.  Guess my coffee was a trigger for me.  I have to walk close to the gas station where I normally buy my cigs,

but there won't be any stopping in there today.  Finally I think, I will be able to do this.  There is no option for me.

The only way out is through.

Went out to Yoga, had a good time, but came home and cried.  Missing my man, but not the cigs.  Today is day 2.

My neighbour didn't smoke in her car on the way home, and that made it easier for me. I will get through this day, I guess the tears are me healing.  I have nothing to numb up my feelings anymore and that is actually a good thing - I guess.  I am already able to breathe better.  I was able to take deep breaths, I am calm, and I will carry on here.

Hi my friends, yesterday was one month exactly since my Forever Man Brian passed on to be with God and his angels in heaven.  Was a pretty good day, went out for dinner with my two young women friends who I call "my adopted daughters"  Had a nice dinner with them.  After one of the girls dropped me off at home, the silence hit me, and I cried for 3 hours straight.  Not lonely, except for Brian.  Didn't want to numb myself up with a cigarette and let all the pain and anguish come out which were healing tears.  He passed on a full moon, and I went out to feed the neighbourhood wild bunny and look at the moon.  Now somehow, I've got to get through this grieving process without trying to numb up with a smoke.  Today is a semi-better day, and I've been talking to family and friends on the phone.  The question is this...........how, how, how do I get through this without smoking?  I've got a stock of lemons, cinnamon sticks, sugar free gum, and lozenges, that's how I'll get through.  I will NOT let this addiction rule my life anymore.  I've got things to do, people to see, and my daughters Tara and Cherie who need me, as well as 3 grandsons and a grandaughter, with a great grandchild on the way in April.  All great reasons to stay quit now!!  I will do it one day at a time, just like I've gotten through so many things in my life.  Thank you for letting me blog and share my determination to stay quit and my life as it is right now.  I love you all so much.........you have seen me through so much, so many repeated failures.  I hate this addiction and what it has done to me, what it did to Brian.  He quit 15 1/2 years ago, but still his body developed COPD.  I saw him hunger for air, from his COPD and influenza and his leukemia.  I can still hear his voice telling me to just say a loud "NO" outloud to the demon that haunts us all.  Just like you would to a bad salesperson at the door, Just keep saying No Thank you and they will eventually give up.  So no thank you to cigarettes, and all the illness and death they bring.  It's never enough that the cigarette company's want you hooked, but the cigarettes and their manufacturing is just pure evil.  I'm so glad I can see that now.  Well, you cant have me!!!  I will go fighting this addiction every step of the way, just like Brian did, and for once in my life it will be a win-win for me and for you too!

xoxo

Love you all.

Chris

Happy Birthday Nancy!!!  I hope you are celebrating today!  Today would have been Brian's 70th Birthday.  Had the ugly cry last night for a long time, but doing ok today.  Taking my friend Simone out to a steak house tonight.  She said she would drive so I could have a glass of wine to toast Brian with.  I tell you those Aquarians are great people!!

I am sad, but I will be all right.  

Christine13

Brian-A final send off.

Posted by Christine13 Jan 5, 2018

As some of you know already, my Forever man Brian passed away at 7:20 p.m. on January 1st, peacefully in his sleep with me and my oldest daughter Tara by his side.  He didn't want any heroic measures.  Took him to hospital Christmas Eve, he was very exhausted and had trouble breathing.  He was coughing and coughing and coughing.  Finally he asked me if I had any cough medicine, I gave his a tablespoon of Nyquil and that quieted his cough and he was able to sleep sitting up.  We had one final visit with our daughter Tara, grandson Caiden and husband Scott in the afternoon and it was a good one. After they left in the afternoon his breathing got worse and I called an ambulance.  They checked his oxygen and heart and everything was fine.  But when he tried to walk two steps to get on the commode it was evident to the paramedics he was in big trouble.  We got to the hospital shortly after.  He saw the clock strike midnight and he said he felt ****** and he didn't care about the New Year.  Tara (my daughter) and I came home to sleep.

When I went back to the ER in the morning they said they were very worried about him and put him on a BI-Pap machine which he hated because it made him claustrophobic.  They were going to transfer him and put him in intensive care.  He said to he doctor if he took the mask off he would die, and he ripped it off his head.  Then I said he doesn't want any heroic measures or intensive care.  For the next couple of hours he struggled with his breathing and he kept asking for help please.  They finally gave him comfort care, and hydro-morphene and scoplomine and then he was a lot easier but he couldn't speak.  They moved us into a beautiful private room, where after stroking his head and telling him we were meant to be and he was my forever man, and that his Mom and Dad were on the other side waiting for him, and I'll see you in my dreams, he passed peacefully.

Today I give the ulogy a celebration of his life.  It's suitable that the funeral today is on what we called Freedom Fridays because they were the days his pump was disconnected from his port for the weekend.  So it's Freedom Friday today for Brian and we will all go out and celebrate at our favorite restaurant our treat.

The funeral should be beautiful with the Song November Rain, Gun's and Roses, Wild Horses, the Rolling Stones, and Time In a bottle by Jim Croshe.  It will be hard, but I am prepared to start my new life by travelling to see friends and family, maybe joining a gym, and going back to Yoga.

Thank you all for your prayers, I will remain strong.  I had my first smoke free Christmas, but relapsed New Year's Eve.

I may start my Freedom 2018 today, but may wait a few days first.

Sending Love to all my EX family especially Ellen and Marilyn.

xoxoxo

Chrissie