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Christine13 Blog

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Christine13

Help!

Posted by Christine13 Jun 9, 2019

I so want to smoke this morning - it's my junkie thinking.  I keep telling myself I don't need a cigarette!  

Christine13

So........today

Posted by Christine13 Jun 3, 2019

Today was a good day!!  Yesterday I was shovelling beautiful composted earth and planting a lot of zinnia's in Dad's garden.  It was really great to do something with my dear Dad.  We both took rests in between, did I mention he is 90 years old?  He did really well, and I realized how very out of shape I am.  (due to smoking)   This morning I woke up, and my first thought was blah, I am alone!!  Then my older sis called me, and asked if she could come for a 2 hour visit.  She is very against smokers and doesn't have much empathy for anyone beginning to quit.  She has never smoked, but she understands food cravings.  We caught up about Dad and Mom, and she cheered me up by coming over.  ( we are really close)

We talked about the fact that we always smoked in the house when the kids were growing up.  (They never did because they weren't smokers)  I said I feel so bad for exposing my kids to all of that back then.  My sister is often critical but she said, you just have to forget those days and move on with your life.  I don't think I could ever forgive myself if our kids came down with a smoking related disease from second hand smoke.  Anyway, my sister is great, and I love her.  Wouldn't it be so wonderful, if I could surprise her in a year from now and still be quit???

She has offered me love and acceptance, and for her that's huge.  So yeah, yesterday and today were good days!!

 

Ok, guess I'm motormouthing again.............I don't often do that, lol, except when I'm under stress.  I am quit, and going to keep it.  How about you?

Christine13

Update on my Dad.

Posted by Christine13 May 29, 2019

They were supposed to do surgery on him June 24th the day before their 70th wedding anniversary.  It has been cancelled due to low blood.  I am kind of glad because the surgery is dangerous at this point, but he is feeling poorly, and very short of breath and tired.  I think he needs a blood transfusion.  I will maybe ask to go with him to see his Dr. June 8th.  I don't know how much time I have left with my dear Dad, but it doesn't look good at this point.  There is such a bond between him and my Mom.  I don't think she'd live long without him.  So I pray he lives to celebrate their anniversary on June 25th.  I am very sad, and I know he is disappointed that they can't do surgery.  It's all up to god now.  I take comfort in the fact that he has lived so long a life and such a good one.  Love you guys!!

Christine13

Worried about my Dad.

Posted by Christine13 May 27, 2019

Worried about my 90 year old Dad.  The arteries in his neck are blocked.  Dr. said before surgery was too dangerous.  Today Dr. called him back again.  It's my guess that he will do the surgery.  My sister is going with him and Mom for the appointment today.  I will be on pins and needles all day waiting to hear.  It wouldn't help my dear Dad in any way if I didn't keep quit, so I'm going to stay strong and do this for him.

Christine13

My foot is healed.

Posted by Christine13 May 21, 2019

I fractured my foot back the end of February.  I've had four appointments since.  Today he said it's still cracked but it looks sturdy, so I can get back to walking and Yoga.  I had panic today in the cab on the way there and also in the office.  I really wanted to smoke before I left, but I faced my fears and went.  I did not smoke and I don't need surgery on my foot!

Christine13

Happy Saturday!!!

Posted by Christine13 May 18, 2019

Yup, it's Saturday.  I am feeling very happy this morning as I go about my day without the smokes.  I bought my flowers for the pots and garden on Thursday.  I started planting yesterday which was a beautiful day!  Saturdays normally I find long and lonely, but I have a project to work on now.  Happy May Long Weekend to all the Canadians here.

I have 0 stress this weekend!  Yayyy!!! xo

Mother's are not perfect!  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with 4 brothers and sisters.  I was the baby of the family for 8 years.  My mom beat my butt with a black leather belt.  She washed my mouth out with palmolive soap, until it made me gag.  Beat me with her fists one night after I was in bed, and asleep, because I didn't do a good job hanging my sox up on the line in the basement.  She pulled my hair almost out by the roots, and spanked me with the wooden spoon. She  slapped me across the face on "general principals" she said.  I told her one day, she couldn't hit me anymore, or I would sig social servises on her for abuse,  My abuse ended,  I got rid of her leather belt strap one day on the way to school because she was going to use it on my baby sister of 8 years.  We all try to forget those days, and I try to remember the days, she baked 13 loaves of bread, to feed us all through the week, and she spent many hours at the sewing machine crafting beautiful new clothes for us.  My Mom was unbalanced, overworked, because in addition to us five kids she also worked part time and took care of her aging parents.  For whatever it's worth, my Mom loved us all.  She was the baby in her family of eight.  My parents worked hard to put bread on the table and clothes on our backs!  I did and do honour my Mom's teachings, and she was in the years of spare the rod and spoil the child.

She grew up mennonite, where, they would never tell there kids they loved them or tell them they were proud of them.

Yup it's a bittersweet day.  My Mom acknowledes what kind of a Mom she was to us, and said if she did that now she would be in jail.  Different times, when they raised us back then.  Spare the rod and streghten up or otherwise, I will pound you into the ground with my iron fist.  Not all Mom's were perfect, thank god I had lots of therapy to come out of that abuse, and can now also see that she did love, in her own way.  Just way to much pressure to be perfect, and a lack of guidance from their strict mennonite parents.  I honoured my Mom today, took her and my Dad out to a steak house today.  I now know the cause of my mental illness - my Mom.  So many things to work through for so many years in therapy, and so many drugs. Somehow I ended up in survival mode for the rest of my life.  I'm not blaming her, and my two daughters also forgave me my transgressions.  They both did show me love this week, and honoured me in the best possible ways.

We can never go back to those dark days, but keep on trucking here and now and give back to our kids or furbabies, Collen, Barbscloud and Young at Heart.  I hear you all.

My Mom wasn't any saint, but by god my mother-in-law was, and I always took her lead and found my example of what a good Mom really was.  I remember her coming to cover Brian and me up in our bed on a cold chilly night at the cottage.  That was love shown, even after we were grown.  I am so glad to have known her.  She was a very, kind gentle soul, who spoiled her sons, and daughter-in-laws, and grandchildren, with home cooking and baking, and beautiful crocheted sweaters and mitts for the kids.  She was always the Mom I wanted to be and strove to be for my kids.  Selma Lillian Menzies I pay tribute to you today!!  You spoiled us all, and even tho your gone, I still feel it today.  You never ever gave up on me, you showed me the way.  Love you Selma today and always!!  xoxo Chris

Christine13

No matter what.

Posted by Christine13 May 7, 2019

Last  night I was in the pits of despair.  Today I figure I have a chance again.  So.........no matter what, I will not smoke today.  I am feeling very sad, but as everyone says smoking does make me feel any better, just worse.  So.......I get up again, reset, start fresh.  

Christine13

Dark day

Posted by Christine13 May 6, 2019

Hi, today was a day without hope.  Going to scatter part of my husband Brian's ashes on May 11th at the park.  Couldn't arrange a time with family so I will do it alone there on what would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.

Will hopefully spread the rest of his ashes in July.  I am alone.  I can't say when I'll be back.  I am hoping someday soon.  Haven't been able to keep quit.  Altho I've tried everything on God's green earth to do it.  Falling here, and failing.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I look forward to it, altho, every day seems like Ground Hog day, you know the movie with Bill Murray.  Each day he tries to better himself until he wakes up with his dream girl.  I am always striving to better myself. 

Christine13

Confusion

Posted by Christine13 Apr 25, 2019

I went to my councillor yesterday.  I left totally confused, she wants me to keep smoking.  It goes against everything I believe in.  What the heck?  She is a smoker and she smoked a cigarette outside before our appointment.  

I have been working hard to stop this addiction and I'm not going to listen to her.  We really get along well but I don't think that benefits me.

Christine13

lack of determinatiion

Posted by Christine13 Apr 14, 2019

That's what I feel every day.  I feel weak when I should be strong.  I won't give up tho.  The only way is to say goodbye to cigarettes forever.  I don't know who I am without them, I want to come out of this winning.  TODAY, EVERY DAY.

Christine13

Positive News

Posted by Christine13 Mar 13, 2019

I have some very good news to share.  I was back to see my oral pathologist on Monday.  Because there have been no changes since 2017 I won't need anymore biopsies. He wants to see me again in six months.  I told him I was using wellbutrin now and I felt I had a much better chance at being 100% quit - the perfect quit, with no slips or relapses.

He said he was very curious to see how I do.  I am really encouraged with this news.

What made me feel good was that he is very interested in me keeping quit, and he really cared not just about my gums, but about my health in general.  I said I would start taking care of myself the way I should.

Christine13

Finally figuring it out.

Posted by Christine13 Mar 11, 2019

After all these years of being here and trying to get to 3 months or even 6 or a year.  I remembered back 10 years ago I had a almost 4 month quit and I was taking wellbutrin and using the patch at that time.  Just recently I asked my phychiatrist for wellbutrin again, today is my 3rd day taking it and it's all ready starting to help.  I am also using the nicotine inhaler.  What I see ahead for myself is coming up to see daylight again, I am now on two antidepressants.

Tried to increase one on my own and ended up suicidal.  I never would have done that, because I would never do that to my friends and family, but the feelings were there and they were strong.  Anyway, now that things are getting better I can stick with NOPE and make it!!  I will also put the blog out for help, before I go buy any.  Thanks to my Ex friends for always supporting me no matter what.

Christine13

Better Days ahead!

Posted by Christine13 Mar 2, 2019

If I could I would.  Go for a nice long walk.  I broke a small bone in my foot last Monday.  It's healing and I've been trying to stay off it.  Today however, I'm craving and going to get moving and pick up and vacuum.  Got a boot on so that will help.  I am always in awe at all the incredible things Young at heart does and I'm hoping some of that will rub off on me.  My Dad had a set back and got bronchitis, but hopefully is on the mend now.

I went through a period of depression in February, and now I'm out of that funk and doing better again.

The lure of smoking has been with me every day.  I have started to take better care of myself this last week.  Cooking good healthy meals and taking all prescribed medication.  March can be my bad month, because I had my first major breakdown mentally then and was hospitalized for exhaustion.  Anyway, I want to end this and just say I'm going to make it another good day.  Feeling a bit sad tho right now, i have such a hard time staying quit - just like we all do.

I will look at all the benefits of being smoke free.  Clean hair, time to do my nails and read and crochet, fresh breath, altho in the mornings it feels like jungle breath, LOL.

Christine13

A heartfelt prayer

Posted by Christine13 Feb 22, 2019

Dear God, please I pray for everyone here and in my life who are suffering with physical illness and also those that have depression and anxiety.  Please help everyone to stay strong, but cry if needed, and to give up all your trials and worries to God.  Someone in my life recently reminded me of this, and it has helped me, to lift up in spirit and be very grateful for everything and everyone in my life.  I can't say what tomorrow will bring, but I am so grateful to be here and alive and kicking in my own home.  In Jesus name I ask for help for everyone who is suffering in some way and struggling to keep it smoke free.  Amen.

xo

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