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Christine13 Blog

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Christine13

I'm ok -- really?

Posted by Christine13 Nov 29, 2018

All my stress and anxiety today about going and trying to drive after 4-5 inches of snow here in winnipeg.

I HAVE to get to my sister's tonight to celebrate my Mom's 89th Birthday.  Tried to pre-arrange a cab for tonight, but as usual when I want to take a cab things are super busy in the city and I may not be able to get one. May have to white knuckle it and suck it up and drive tonight.  I'm scared!!  I know I won't smoke.  Really all this anxiety about going out for a fun night. Ok, Chris, put on your big girl panties and face your F.E.A.R.

Christine13

Nothing Better!!

Posted by Christine13 Nov 24, 2018

Nothing better than 10 days smoke free!!  I am learning to face my fears here, and there are many.  I can do all things through God who strengthens me!! I keep going by delaying, delaying, and getting through the day.  I am actually having a mello relaxing day here!!  It's all good.  I fall down, I pick myself up and keep going - because I have no choice there!

Christine13

ok, so what's missing

Posted by Christine13 Nov 20, 2018

It's not my smokes, I am grateful to say.  I had a hair stylist appointment today, and i think I like the cut and colour.

Hadn't been there since last February, so I think I deserved the treat.  I came home, ordinarily it would be a date night with Brian and he would give me the critique on my hair and then he would take me out for dinner.  I came home to an empty house today, but all was okay,

because he is where he needs to be, and so am I.  I did not miss lighting up and swallowing my feelings and dignity.

Tomorrow smoker's help line will call, and I'll be able to say I did NOT buy cigarettes.  It's all a series of firsts,without him, and my smokes. and my biggest reason now to stay smoke free is it stinks!!  I don't want to stink anymore.  I am working on day 7 today.

I actually want this to work now.   

Just wanted to update you on how things are going.  Water and plumbing issues, been without water for four days now.  Pipe leaking in the basement under the water meter.  City had trouble on their end turning off the water outside, and had to do a dig on my neighbour's property.  ( We are in a quadruplex, and the turn off valve is on his property Anyway they got that done yesterday and left the water on.  I had called a plumber to make an appointment for today, they said they could only get here between 12 and 2:00 so I booked the appointment. That was THE ONLY appointment I could get!! City came out to turn off water this morning so I'd be ready, and neighbour yelled at city guy, then I yelled at anal retentive neighbour, and he yelled at me, he yelled where is your plumber, I explained he would be here this afternoon and city guy said he'd come back to turn water off in a couple of hours.  I just pray he does come back.  Had a fight with the city last night cause they said they couldn't come till Saturday.  Then they agreed to come today and neighbour pitches his fit!!  Neighbour is a bully and I won't be bullied!!  Anyway, I'm staying strong and not smoking over this.  I'm praying for peace and understanding between my neighbour and myself.  I am praying it will all get done and that I'll have water tonight.

I am praying city comes back before noon to turn the water off.  I am praying for no smoking for myself today.

Christine13

Another Saturday

Posted by Christine13 Nov 3, 2018

Saturday can be a tough day for me to stay quit.  My daughter's are busy doing their own things and I have extra time on my hands.  I was going to go to the mall today, but plans fell through, they didn't have what I was looking for yet.

So I'm just going to make other plans for the day.  Maybe some groceries to stock up on.  Be assured tho, I will get through this day alone and without my former smokes to rely on.  I'm pleased with my progress and don't want to screw that up, that's for sure!!

Christine13

Feeling Positive!

Posted by Christine13 Oct 15, 2018

Feeling Positive and Happy today.  No more excuses to smoke.  That's what they were.  As long as I kept making up excuses to quit, I didn't.  My biggest one was the death of Brian.  The next one is mental illness.  I'm not leaving any loopholes this time.  I plan on keeping my quit.  I will not let anxiety, or fear cause me to smoke.  Sunny day today, and 4 degrees celcius, I see a walk in for me this afternoon.  Headed to the dentist soon.

Is this post stupid?  I don't know, but having some difficult plumbing issues at home.  I have Rotor router here, and he is having big difficulties with getting an old drain in the kitchen clear.  If he can't get it, it will cost huge bucks to fix, and everything would have to be ripped out and all the plumbing would have to be redone!!  A householder's nightmare.  Do I want to smoke?  Hell ya.  Will I smoke...........no.  This is a fricken nightmare!!!  Praying he gets it fixed.  

Christine13

HELP!!

Posted by Christine13 Oct 6, 2018

Woke up early, memories of Brian bombarding me.  I want to smoke!  I want to dull this pain!!  I want to go and get cigs and numb up and turn into a ZOMBIE!!  WAIT..........post for Help!!!  I WILL get through this.  It's the weekend, it's Saturday.  I'm working on day 6 today.  Please help.

Christine13

I Choose

Posted by Christine13 Sep 29, 2018

I choose to remain quit today.  It really is a roller coaster ride.  Up one day down the next.  Today is an up day, in spite

of putting my hip out.  I go out tonight to see my great grandson and hopefully hold him, he is six months old.  I sure don't want to stink like some ashtray.

Christine13

What's next?

Posted by Christine13 Sep 22, 2018

Was totally sad today, just missing Brian so much.  Feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to take care of myself.

But..........it'll be what it'll be.  He's not here, he's not coming back.   It's up to ME, what I do and how I live my life.

I can either wallow in depression or begin to move forward.  I'm lost, please god, help me find my way.  Yesterday I was also in a funk, I went to the park, and just as I was driving past there was a beautiful bride kissing her new husband, the bridesmaids were wearing long maroon dresses.  A new beginning for them, and a new beginning for me.  I sat by the river for a few minutes and then walked and there was a whole school of kids playing in the field on the other side of the road.  Makes me feel good just thinking about it.  Today I choose not to smoke, I will get through this day, with a little help from my friends.  On a fun note I have something to look forward to coming up in Dec.  I have booked a trip to see my daughter and son-in-law and grandson in California.  I won't be here the same day Brian passed away, but will be in the loving arms of my family.  Now if that isn't the best reason to keep my quit I don't know what is???

Christine13

Checking-In

Posted by Christine13 Sep 12, 2018

Hello, checking-in today, to say prayers for all those in the path of Florence, prayers for Mike and Ellen, and for Marilyn and her family and for all others here who are struggling with health issues.  Currently I'm waiting results of my mammogram done on Monday.  Hoping all is good, I am a breast cancer survivor hopefully 9 years this year.

Yup I had the whole meal deal.  Surgery, radiation, chemo, hormone drug called Tamoxifen.  I quit smoking back then with the help of EX.  I am working on my quit, and I am on day 2.  I have had a lot of trouble staying quit, go for 3 days, 7 days, 11 days, 15 days a month, etc, then smoke in between.  I guess I should leave the sight, because I've been here so long and not become an Elder.  I have taken smoking off the table.  I just don't want that to be my life anymore, altho the only one it affects is me.  I am changing my life here the last 9 months have been a 360 degree turn without Brian.

If I can live without him, surely I can say goodbye to my cigs too.  I have been reading blogs every day, and usually I try to reply.  I feel like I am going to "get" this.  I am trying to do something special for myself each day, and I've started walking again.  Yoga starts again next week.  I hope you all bear with me, I am in earnest.  xo

To our dear friend Ellen, who has been thru so much.  Our girl is celebrating today by going to work.

I hope it's a good day for you Ellen, you deserve it SO MUCH!!!

One of our greatest supporters, someone who, is kind, loving and determined!!

Love ya!!

xo

Christine13

So Down today.

Posted by Christine13 Sep 7, 2018

Feeling so down today.  I think I may be feeling sorry for myself.   Just picked up my prescriptions and they cost me $269.00 for 3 of them.   Put my hip out yesterday, and in bad pain today and I am itchy all over my body.  I feel so alone right now.  I know smoking will just make me feel worse.  What is it about inhaling toxic chemicals that I liked anyway????  N.O.P.E.  I think I need an attitude adjustment, I have so much to be grateful for.  Ok, time to get another cup of coffee and water and go sit outside.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Christine13

Pure Love

Posted by Christine13 Aug 27, 2018

I can only say I woke up super depressed Brian wasn't here today.  We are moving into  Fall, our favourite time of year.  Yesterday I cursed his name.  Today I revel in what we had.  His 16 th quit smoking anniversary was on August 25th.

He would want me to stay quit.  I took my neighbour out today and got a new winter jacket at Costco, sigh, soon it will be snowing here.  

Christine13

I Don't stay mad long.

Posted by Christine13 Aug 23, 2018

Feeling better today.  Thanks to all who responded on my blog yesterday.  I am ok.  Talked to my councillor yesterday, and a lot of friends too and my daughter.  I think Brian and I did have a great love story.  I am not angry at him anymore.  I talked to his brother and he said if he didn't want me he would have left me a long time ago.

I had suspected the betrayal, but didn't quite know when it was.  Now I know.  I have confirmation.

I wasn't crazy, I knew something he was hiding from me, him and his brother.  I thought it was money, but it was this.

I move forward today, I have love notes from after that time, from him.  I also know he probably felt very guilty,

because that year he kept insisting I buy a new computer, and he spent over 1,000.00 to get me my mac.

Brian never spent a lot of money, but I told him, he gave me the best gift he ever could have.  From that day forward, I new he was mine again.  He's not here to defend himself now, so I'm going to move forward.  I love him, I wasn't always easy to live with either.  I am also going to get back with my quit very soon.  Probably today or tomorrow or Monday.  I'm not sure.  My oldest daughter will be over today, and I'm sure we will have a good visit.  I think I can actually eat something today and not feel sick.  Giulia you hit the nail on the head.  I've been here a long time.

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, almost 9 years ago.  It's time to forgive Brian and move on.  I always did love him unconditionally.  It's high time, I kept a quit, and become an Elder here.  I thank you all for your loving support.

xo