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Christine13 Blog

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Christine13

Feeling Positive!

Posted by Christine13 Oct 15, 2018

Feeling Positive and Happy today.  No more excuses to smoke.  That's what they were.  As long as I kept making up excuses to quit, I didn't.  My biggest one was the death of Brian.  The next one is mental illness.  I'm not leaving any loopholes this time.  I plan on keeping my quit.  I will not let anxiety, or fear cause me to smoke.  Sunny day today, and 4 degrees celcius, I see a walk in for me this afternoon.  Headed to the dentist soon.

Is this post stupid?  I don't know, but having some difficult plumbing issues at home.  I have Rotor router here, and he is having big difficulties with getting an old drain in the kitchen clear.  If he can't get it, it will cost huge bucks to fix, and everything would have to be ripped out and all the plumbing would have to be redone!!  A householder's nightmare.  Do I want to smoke?  Hell ya.  Will I smoke...........no.  This is a fricken nightmare!!!  Praying he gets it fixed.  

Christine13

HELP!!

Posted by Christine13 Oct 6, 2018

Woke up early, memories of Brian bombarding me.  I want to smoke!  I want to dull this pain!!  I want to go and get cigs and numb up and turn into a ZOMBIE!!  WAIT..........post for Help!!!  I WILL get through this.  It's the weekend, it's Saturday.  I'm working on day 6 today.  Please help.

Christine13

I Choose

Posted by Christine13 Sep 29, 2018

I choose to remain quit today.  It really is a roller coaster ride.  Up one day down the next.  Today is an up day, in spite

of putting my hip out.  I go out tonight to see my great grandson and hopefully hold him, he is six months old.  I sure don't want to stink like some ashtray.

Christine13

What's next?

Posted by Christine13 Sep 22, 2018

Was totally sad today, just missing Brian so much.  Feeling overwhelmed with all the stuff I have to take care of myself.

But..........it'll be what it'll be.  He's not here, he's not coming back.   It's up to ME, what I do and how I live my life.

I can either wallow in depression or begin to move forward.  I'm lost, please god, help me find my way.  Yesterday I was also in a funk, I went to the park, and just as I was driving past there was a beautiful bride kissing her new husband, the bridesmaids were wearing long maroon dresses.  A new beginning for them, and a new beginning for me.  I sat by the river for a few minutes and then walked and there was a whole school of kids playing in the field on the other side of the road.  Makes me feel good just thinking about it.  Today I choose not to smoke, I will get through this day, with a little help from my friends.  On a fun note I have something to look forward to coming up in Dec.  I have booked a trip to see my daughter and son-in-law and grandson in California.  I won't be here the same day Brian passed away, but will be in the loving arms of my family.  Now if that isn't the best reason to keep my quit I don't know what is???

Christine13

Checking-In

Posted by Christine13 Sep 12, 2018

Hello, checking-in today, to say prayers for all those in the path of Florence, prayers for Mike and Ellen, and for Marilyn and her family and for all others here who are struggling with health issues.  Currently I'm waiting results of my mammogram done on Monday.  Hoping all is good, I am a breast cancer survivor hopefully 9 years this year.

Yup I had the whole meal deal.  Surgery, radiation, chemo, hormone drug called Tamoxifen.  I quit smoking back then with the help of EX.  I am working on my quit, and I am on day 2.  I have had a lot of trouble staying quit, go for 3 days, 7 days, 11 days, 15 days a month, etc, then smoke in between.  I guess I should leave the sight, because I've been here so long and not become an Elder.  I have taken smoking off the table.  I just don't want that to be my life anymore, altho the only one it affects is me.  I am changing my life here the last 9 months have been a 360 degree turn without Brian.

If I can live without him, surely I can say goodbye to my cigs too.  I have been reading blogs every day, and usually I try to reply.  I feel like I am going to "get" this.  I am trying to do something special for myself each day, and I've started walking again.  Yoga starts again next week.  I hope you all bear with me, I am in earnest.  xo

To our dear friend Ellen, who has been thru so much.  Our girl is celebrating today by going to work.

I hope it's a good day for you Ellen, you deserve it SO MUCH!!!

One of our greatest supporters, someone who, is kind, loving and determined!!

Love ya!!

xo

Christine13

So Down today.

Posted by Christine13 Sep 7, 2018

Feeling so down today.  I think I may be feeling sorry for myself.   Just picked up my prescriptions and they cost me $269.00 for 3 of them.   Put my hip out yesterday, and in bad pain today and I am itchy all over my body.  I feel so alone right now.  I know smoking will just make me feel worse.  What is it about inhaling toxic chemicals that I liked anyway????  N.O.P.E.  I think I need an attitude adjustment, I have so much to be grateful for.  Ok, time to get another cup of coffee and water and go sit outside.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Christine13

Pure Love

Posted by Christine13 Aug 27, 2018

I can only say I woke up super depressed Brian wasn't here today.  We are moving into  Fall, our favourite time of year.  Yesterday I cursed his name.  Today I revel in what we had.  His 16 th quit smoking anniversary was on August 25th.

He would want me to stay quit.  I took my neighbour out today and got a new winter jacket at Costco, sigh, soon it will be snowing here.  

Christine13

I Don't stay mad long.

Posted by Christine13 Aug 23, 2018

Feeling better today.  Thanks to all who responded on my blog yesterday.  I am ok.  Talked to my councillor yesterday, and a lot of friends too and my daughter.  I think Brian and I did have a great love story.  I am not angry at him anymore.  I talked to his brother and he said if he didn't want me he would have left me a long time ago.

I had suspected the betrayal, but didn't quite know when it was.  Now I know.  I have confirmation.

I wasn't crazy, I knew something he was hiding from me, him and his brother.  I thought it was money, but it was this.

I move forward today, I have love notes from after that time, from him.  I also know he probably felt very guilty,

because that year he kept insisting I buy a new computer, and he spent over 1,000.00 to get me my mac.

Brian never spent a lot of money, but I told him, he gave me the best gift he ever could have.  From that day forward, I new he was mine again.  He's not here to defend himself now, so I'm going to move forward.  I love him, I wasn't always easy to live with either.  I am also going to get back with my quit very soon.  Probably today or tomorrow or Monday.  I'm not sure.  My oldest daughter will be over today, and I'm sure we will have a good visit.  I think I can actually eat something today and not feel sick.  Giulia you hit the nail on the head.  I've been here a long time.

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, almost 9 years ago.  It's time to forgive Brian and move on.  I always did love him unconditionally.  It's high time, I kept a quit, and become an Elder here.  I thank you all for your loving support.

xo

Christine13

The Ultimate Betrayal

Posted by Christine13 Aug 22, 2018

Remember my Forever Man, who passed away January 1st, 2018?  He is no longer my forever man.

Yesterday I was looking through his drawers and found 3 DVD's of our family.  One was marked with the date 2010-11.

On that DVD, there was a video of a woman, about my age, who looked very similar to me - same hairstyle, same makeup, no wedding ring, and she was obviously his  girlfriend altho, I know they were together in person too.  I confirmed it with his brother.  It was when I was so sick with cancer and chemo and radiation.  I feel betrayed, sad, angry, and worthless.  His brother said it was a very dark time for him, and he was just trying to hang on until I'd be ok.  I look at everything in our house, all his artwork, and all the things he loved, and see it in a different way now.  I have called my councillor and she is calling me back to talk.  She says, she has to say some things that will make me feel better.  To think I went out for a coffee with a male friend the other day, and we just talked he was an old friend.  I won't feel guilty now if I want to move on with someone else.  Maybe I was supposed to find it.  I always looked for concrete evidence, now I have it.  Closure or permission to move on?  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.    I smoked, so Dale this is my biggest excuse ever!!  I can't tell you the pain and anguish I feel.  I've gotta be careful this doesn't send me into a deep depression.  Was it all a lie?  The love I thought we shared since I was 17?  

I'm having a happy day today.  I am glad to be moving forward and realizing that cigarettes don't have to be a source of comfort for me in times of stress.  I just had dental surgery the other day, and I'm happy to know I will heal well without that toxic, burning cigarette smoke in my mouth!!  Yes, my friend is ill, yes my Dad goes to see a vascular surgeon tomorrow, he is 89 years old.   It will be what it will be, cigarettes and me smoking WILL NOT change the outcome for them!!

I'm writing to you all this morning, because I am craving, and feeling very stressed about my good friend Joanne who called me yesterday to say, she has a non alcoholic fatty liver with a tumour.  She is waiting to get a CT scan done,

and I am terrified for her.  She called me yesterday and was sobbing on the phone.  I tried to stay calm for her and talk her through her fears.  He mom died 2 years ago of liver cancer.  She is an only child.  She is married and has one son, who is age 21 and lives with his father, who is going to go live in another country.  Please pray for her that her tumour isn't cancerous and that she will just have to live with and get treated for a fatty liver.  Joanne and I are very close.

The shock of it all hit me this morning.  I am not smoking, because I know that won't change her outcome.  I was however craving bigtime, which now by blogging is just about gone.  I just lost Brian, I don't want to loose her too.

She is the sweetest kindest person there is and her life has been a struggle.  Please pray for a good outcome for her.

Christine13

The Bridge

Posted by Christine13 Aug 11, 2018

I was in the ER last night because I swallowed my temporary fixed  bridge on Thursday night.  I called health links on Friday night and she said you need to get to the ER now!!  Took a cab to the ER, waited only 3 hours alone and then was taken in, where they did xrays, and put a tube with a camera on it down through my nose and mouth past my esopagus into my stomach.  All night I'd had a choking sensation, but the infamous temporary bridge was in my stomach thank god.  It was the hospital Brian died in 7 months ago, and when they asked my marital status I had to say widowed.  Brought tears to my eyes, and the girls too when I told her it was in that hospital he took his last breath.

All is well, I am doing fine, didn't smoke last night and my daughter picked me up and I got home after only 4 hours of waiting at 2:30 in A.m.  It's weird being at the ER without Brian at that hospital, thank goodness they didn't put me in the same cubicle he was in.  Powerful memories, but today somehow I feel stronger!!  No smoking and early morning dental on Monday to hopefully get permanent bridge in.

Christine13

The Wall

Posted by Christine13 Aug 4, 2018

I have built a wall between myself and all my past failures.  I am 3 days quit today, and it feels really good!

I was having some cravings this morning, but got through them.  Gradually everything is sinking in from all the blogs here, and I've been here to read a lot.  I plan on going forward here, one day, one step at a time.