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Christine13 Blog

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Christine13

*Just checking In*

Posted by Christine13 Oct 9, 2019

Hi, I just wanted to check in and tell you all that I'm doing all right this week.  I am working on day 3 today.

Someone asked me if I wanted to quit?  Or if I was quitting because I should quit.  For me, it's because I should quit, and I don't want to leave my children motherless at this point.  Monday was a horrid day.  I woke up and anxiety was off the charts.  I didn't smoke - I took an anti-anxiety med and took a hot bath a went back to bed.  I have just been feeling so overwhelmed with things here lately.  I made an appointment next week with my therapist and wow, I have a lot to talk to him about!  I am going away to Florida on October 29th, and I am meeting two other widow's there that I've never met before.  I realize my whole life I've had so much FEAR.  FEAR about quitting, loosing control, and loosing my sanity.  FEAR of driving anywhere, which at the worst of times makes me house bound.  I really, really, want to go away for a break, but have anxiety about meeting the two other ladies.  I find myself praying my way through things.  Last week I went to my Yoga class alone, and I got lost on the way there, because my neighbour usually drives us.  I was praying out loud that day and found my way.  The difference is with my quit, is I can't do it for anyone else but me.  I have had the ultimate in support here.  There is no reason why this can't be my last quit!!

I've done all the reading, I just need to keep it simple and not stick a cig in my face.  Tuesday and today were wonderful days.  We are expecting 2 feet of snow, and I got out and did my groceries and got to the bank to get my money for my trip.  The bottom line is - I want to live!!  i am admitting to myself that I've been wishy washy, and just not strong enough to make a comitment to this.  The result of that has been HELL, on my conscience, and makes me feel like such a BAD person.  I haven't gone the distance, but I need to just to vindicate myself.  For all here who have supported me, I thank you so much!!  Tomorrow is Yoga class again, I wonder if I will suck it up and drive in the snow.

My life is changing, I have to go with the flow and change with it or be lost in the abysse.

Christine13

MRI - results

Posted by Christine13 Sep 25, 2019

Hi, got my MRI results on Monday.  There is a 2 cm mass in my brain.  They don't know if it is an aneurism or what.

Another MRI with dye will need to be done.  I'm just praying it isn't cancer up in my noggin.

I said to the Dr. so there are actually some brains up there, lol.  I said not just rocks?  Honestly I'm trying not to stress about it until I know more.

I've got a hole in my roof and I might drown.  LOL, don't know who sang that.  Anyway I do have a hole in my roof!

The roofer has been out to fix it twice and it stormed again, and is leaking again.  I am going to have to call him again.  Ugh, I thought it was fixed so I asked my contractor to come out on Monday to asses damages to the drywall ceiling inside.  Sometimes when it rains it pours quite literally.  This is just another challenge as a home owner, I just hope something can be done to make sure it doesn't leak again!  The inside may have asbestos insulation too, so that will also have to be taken out.  It's not worth smoking over - it's not worth getting stressed out about.  At least it didn't happen during the winter when I was away.  I'm feeling pressure about cost tho.  Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm not smoking over this, because then I would be smoking and still have to deal with the problem.

Christine13

Yup, continue forward

Posted by Christine13 Sep 13, 2019

That's what I'm doing, I realize I have to suck it up and continue forward no matter what happens.  I have a lot to be grateful for, my neighbour was here today, after her heart attack and said she just wanted to be dead, instead of facing here challenges.  She couldn't understand why she had a heart attack, and didn't want to stop smoking.  Her self esteem in in the toilet too.  I said to her things would get better and she had to believe that, and I also recommended she talk to her doctor about her anti-depressants,  I kind of just let her vent.  I asked her if there was anything I could do and she said no just listen,  So I listened, depression is a horrible thing, and I deal with it on a daily basis.  I am so grateful I have all of your support.  I am learning to be grateful for so much!!  Well, tomorrow is another day, blessings to everyone here, I light candles every day and pray for everyone, and I also pray for peace for our world.

 

by the way, it was a good day for me!!

 

xoxo Chrissie keeping it real.

Christine13

MRI today.

Posted by Christine13 Sep 12, 2019

Hi my friends, I'm going for an MRI today to check to see if I have a brain aneurism.  It's hereditary, and my mom had one burst in her brain 12 years ago she almost died, but after a stroke and having a tracheostomy after 3 months in hospital and a lot of work she was able to get home.  The doctor said it's very important that all us kids get checked.  (My doctor wouldn't send me for one until now)

I am hoping test results will be good.  I have to take a cab way out across the city, I can't wait until this test is over with.  I am hoping that they don't use any dye because I am allergic to shellfish dye.  I'm a bit nervous.

This doesn't have anything to do with smoking or not, but if there is anything I have a much better chance at recovery, without smoking if they have to do an operation.

Christine13

The changes I like!!

Posted by Christine13 Sep 1, 2019

Ready for some changes here in my life now that I am a nonsmoker.  Today I ordered a vivofit 3 online, step counter.(Usually my only thing I buy is groceries)  It's like a fitbit but way less expensive.  I love the way my long hair smells, and I've found that there is so much to do, here in the house, that I've neglected for so long!!  I did and am taking inventory of my house, and all the work that needs to be done.  Yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours deep cleaning and organizing, and boy did I ever feel good about that, was pouring sweat after vacuuming 14 steps to go upstairs.  Now that just goes to show how out of shape my body is.  There was no rapid breathing tho, that I used to get before.   Bonus!!  I loved it that I didn't have to go out in the rain and cold weather to smoke, and that will be even better when it hits -50 below here during the winter.

I am having my parents over for a bbq today and looking so forward to it!!  If you wonder why I'm rambling, it's to get through a crave, lol.  I am also looking forward to a much better complexion.  I am old at age 64, but by gosh, life is great!!  My cat Ruby Tuesday and I are getting along beautifully together.  Life is so good, when you find new alternatives to smoking.  Why not be loving yourself, instead of hiding behind that awful smokescreen!!

Christine13

Update on Luna

Posted by Christine13 Aug 26, 2019

Luna had her surgery on Friday, she seems to have better mobility than expected.  She is on such strong antibiotics Cherie has to wear gloves.  Still hoping and praying for her!  Cherie's husband got home too!!  I also had a wonderful smoke free weekend at the lake with my sister's and their husbands.  Thanks so much everyone for your prayers!

Christine13

Difficult times.

Posted by Christine13 Aug 16, 2019

Right now, I'm focusing on the fact that I can get through these difficult times without smoking.  Thanks to Marilyn I realize there are going to be good and bad days, and you just have to ride it through.  I am praying everyday that my daughter's dog makes it through this trial.  Luna is her name and she is a great dane,  She has had many health issues and right now her body is rejecting a rod implant in her leg.  She and my daughter have been through so very much.  Luna weighs 160 lbs.  My daughter says she has a hole in her leg through the stitches and she can see her plate and a pin.  She is taking her to a specialist on Monday.  She doesn't want them to amputate, because she has been through enough pain in her short life.  Unless there is a miracle, she will have to be put down.

We both cried on the phone today.  I am praying hard that there is some other solution.  

Today when I woke up I was also grieving Brian hard.  I cried the ugly cry, guess I'm done stuffing my emotions and that's a good thing.  So I will, yell, scream, cry the ugly cry, but darn it, I'm never going back to the cigs.  Finally, I've had that ah ha moment, and I will just go through my days and do what I need to do without smoking!!

If you could only see that I need to take it one day at a time, and the day wasn't all bad, I had a great visit with my oldest daughter today and got to see my first grandchild, and he got his driver's license too!!  Tonight I go to bed and be comforted by god, and all of you here, who have always helped me sooo much!!

xoxo Chris

Oh p.s. on another good note, I've been walking again to ease my stress and it helps so much.  Yup, walking and praying.

When we were born were we automatically given this life force to strive and succeed or live for each day?

For some people God is not an option, so  let's take that out of the equation.  What drives us to survive?

I know for me it's people and giving back, and trying not to give up on myself and face the challenges that life has to offer. But through all my struggles I have felt this inner need to continue, even in my darkest days, and I am a believer in people, and mother nature, and god.  Isn't a miracle that we are all striving here to do the best we can do no matter what?  I am striving to be with this life force, and stop killing myself with addiction.

 

What do you think?  What has driven you to success?

Christine13

CT scan results.

Posted by Christine13 Jul 30, 2019

I finally got my results, some small nodes, repeat scan next year.  I'm keeping quit, and they said it was nothing to worry about so I won't.

Christine13

Wonderful Day!!

Posted by Christine13 Jul 23, 2019

Yup, got my kitty, it's going to be a nice hot day.  I will be spending my day out on the deck, crocheting and reading.

It's a great day to be alive smoke free!  I can sit under my tree in the shade and admire all the pots of flowers I planted.

I love smelling clean and the way my freshly washed hair smells.  I still didn't hear about my low dose CT scan, even after calling the Dr.'s office many times.  The receptionist said she'd reviewed it, and if there was anything to worry about she would have called me.  

Christine13

I'm learning.

Posted by Christine13 Jul 16, 2019

I've found out that I can only take it one craving at a time.  Not one hour, or a day, but babystepping my way here today.  My quit coach from Smoker's Help Line called me today and she said I've made a lot of progress.

I have been enjoying my new fur baby Ruby, and she's a lovely cat!!  It's no longer me alone to face the world.

I am still waiting on results of my lung CT scan.  I would just like to know what's happening, but as they say no news is good news.  Thank you God for showing me the way, and all of you who have shared your stories of courage and wisdom with me.  You all give me strength!! xoxo

Hopefully this day goes well and my lung ct goes well.  I am also supposed to hear from the humane society today about adopting a cat named Ruby Tuesday.  She is currently being treated with medicine for guilardia, a parasite that makes them sick.  She has been returned to the humane society 2x.  I hope we are a good fit.  She is only 3 years old, and she is tortoiseshell in colour.  She seems affectionate.  Anyway, I hope it works out for me.  I can't and won't bring home a sick cat, so I hope she is better.  I also hurt my right hip, so I'm hoping I can drive today.  No matter what happens I am not smoking over it.

Christine13

I'm alone.

Posted by Christine13 Jul 1, 2019

Woke up this morning, and it's a holiday - Canada Day and I am alone.  Blahhh, but I can either wallow in self-pity or go out to the park, and enjoy this sunny day.  I actually think I am sick today.  All night long I had a headache and sore throat in my sleep.  Dreamt I was drinking Chamomile tea for my throat.  I woke up and my throat is still sore and headache too.  I will take an Advil, and maybe it will pass.  Definately not smoking over it. xo

Christine13

Internet Issues

Posted by Christine13 Jun 28, 2019

Having internet issues with my provider, but thank goodness I was able to get on here tonight.  I was having a good old fashioned temper tantrum, about not being able to get on here all day.  Even if internet goes out again, I am a 1955 babe, and can pull up and tune out if I need, to and go back to the good old radio!!

My home phone also wasn't working the last couple of days either!  1st world problems, I have enough to eat and I'm grateful, for the day.  Even a bird pooped on me today, I laughed it off and washed it off, some people say that's good luck!!

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