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Christine13 Blog

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I'm having a happy day today.  I am glad to be moving forward and realizing that cigarettes don't have to be a source of comfort for me in times of stress.  I just had dental surgery the other day, and I'm happy to know I will heal well without that toxic, burning cigarette smoke in my mouth!!  Yes, my friend is ill, yes my Dad goes to see a vascular surgeon tomorrow, he is 89 years old.   It will be what it will be, cigarettes and me smoking WILL NOT change the outcome for them!!

I'm writing to you all this morning, because I am craving, and feeling very stressed about my good friend Joanne who called me yesterday to say, she has a non alcoholic fatty liver with a tumour.  She is waiting to get a CT scan done,

and I am terrified for her.  She called me yesterday and was sobbing on the phone.  I tried to stay calm for her and talk her through her fears.  He mom died 2 years ago of liver cancer.  She is an only child.  She is married and has one son, who is age 21 and lives with his father, who is going to go live in another country.  Please pray for her that her tumour isn't cancerous and that she will just have to live with and get treated for a fatty liver.  Joanne and I are very close.

The shock of it all hit me this morning.  I am not smoking, because I know that won't change her outcome.  I was however craving bigtime, which now by blogging is just about gone.  I just lost Brian, I don't want to loose her too.

She is the sweetest kindest person there is and her life has been a struggle.  Please pray for a good outcome for her.

Christine13

The Bridge

Posted by Christine13 Aug 11, 2018

I was in the ER last night because I swallowed my temporary fixed  bridge on Thursday night.  I called health links on Friday night and she said you need to get to the ER now!!  Took a cab to the ER, waited only 3 hours alone and then was taken in, where they did xrays, and put a tube with a camera on it down through my nose and mouth past my esopagus into my stomach.  All night I'd had a choking sensation, but the infamous temporary bridge was in my stomach thank god.  It was the hospital Brian died in 7 months ago, and when they asked my marital status I had to say widowed.  Brought tears to my eyes, and the girls too when I told her it was in that hospital he took his last breath.

All is well, I am doing fine, didn't smoke last night and my daughter picked me up and I got home after only 4 hours of waiting at 2:30 in A.m.  It's weird being at the ER without Brian at that hospital, thank goodness they didn't put me in the same cubicle he was in.  Powerful memories, but today somehow I feel stronger!!  No smoking and early morning dental on Monday to hopefully get permanent bridge in.

Christine13

The Wall

Posted by Christine13 Aug 4, 2018

I have built a wall between myself and all my past failures.  I am 3 days quit today, and it feels really good!

I was having some cravings this morning, but got through them.  Gradually everything is sinking in from all the blogs here, and I've been here to read a lot.  I plan on going forward here, one day, one step at a time.

Last week was a high anxiety week for me, Today I am calm and happy, and I begin my quit again.  I have no more excuses left not to do this, and now I really feel like I can handle just about anything that comes my way.

I will start using my anti-anxiety meds if I get that way again.  I'm feeling my way around it.  I have been here reading and commenting on blogs, and plan to blog,blog,blog.  

Christine13

All within 12 hours.

Posted by Christine13 Jul 15, 2018

Well, it was quite the Saturday I had.  Youngest daughter's fur baby Luna had her surgery yesterday.  The vet said one of her legs didn't rotate like it should, but she should still be able to walk better.  Now the recovery begins.

Oldest daughter was here to visit and said she and her husband were splitting and herself, her son, and her dog would be moving in with me.  She also said she'd need to use my car to get to and fro from work.  Don't get me wrong, I have always kept the house just so if one of my girls needed a place to stay they would be welcome.  Only problem is my oldest can be very difficult to live with.  Anyway, she was going to move in on Wednesday.  She went home, and then texted me, Mom don't clean out those bedrooms yet, we are going to go to counseling.  I was so relieved to hear that they will try and work it out.  I am now used to living alone and it would be a big adjustment if they moved in.  Plus she said she wouldn't be able to contribute to expenses here like  pay any rent or anything else.  I know this is selfish, but I need this time to myself to focus on my quit.  I love my daughter dearly, just don't know if I could handle it right now, while still grieving for Brian.  We will see what happens here, I really hope they can work things out, I love her husband too, and I think he is a good guy.  They are almost together 17 years, it would be a shame to throw it all away because of a few differences.

It just goes to show you what a difference 12 hours can make.  I thought about throwing away my quit too Annette,

but it's not really a productive way of handling things.  Ughhh, I hate stress too!!!  The craves were coming fast and furious, I didn't know if I could hold out.

I've been craving all morning, junkie thinking too, my head says you know it's an impossible situation, you can't handle it!  To that I say, just watch me!!  Today I up my Chantix to 2 mg.  I hope it helps me, but I must fight to stay quit.

An urgent request from me...........my youngest daughter lives in San Jose, California.  They are being evacuated due to  forest fire down the street.  They have a sick dog who needs surgery, and right now my daughter is there alone while her husband rushes home from work.  Please pray for their families safety!!  I am petrified at this moment.  Cherie, my daughter is trying to pack important papers, I won't know until later if they got out or if they are safe, or where they will go!!!  She says she has an emergency pack to take.  Luna their dog is really ill and needs surgery within the next week.

I am really concerned for their safety.  I'm anxious as any mother would be.  Please say a prayer for them or send positive vibes their way!!  Yesterday it was just the $10,000.00 for Luna's surgery that was on the line, now it is there safety and future.

Love you all.  

Chris

Someone pointed out to me today that cigarettes are my abuser.  Well, I'm ready to be free today!

I've been taking the Chantix, and I feel it will help me with this.  I have been following instructions to the letter, and even tho I had some problems in the beginning with bad side effects I am willing to keep going.  Today I will get my quit kit together with straws and cinnamon sticks, and I have carrots and celery to munch on, I will also get some liqorish as a treat.  Today I also find out if my daughter has to put down her dog Luna.  She has splayed legs, and if it's not possibly to do surgery then she won't be able to support her weight anymore, she weighs 90 lbs. and she is only six months old.  I pray for the best outcome for her and my daughter loves her so much.  She is a Great Dane and if she comes through this and grows up she will weigh 140 lbs.  Anyway, this just happens to co-inside with my quit date.  

I will keep trying to de-stress by using breathing and Yoga and by keeping busy.  I am waiting for her call.

I am ready to get on with my quit no matter what happens today!

Christine13

Have started Chantix

Posted by Christine13 Jul 6, 2018

Hi, it's been a while since I've written.  I started Chantix on July 4th.  I have been trying the same method for years, and either I wasn't working it, or I just found it too hard.  I'm hoping Chantix will help me to stay quit.  The first day on it, I was like, wheee woooo all day.  My quit day is July 10th.  I've been sick since Father's Day, and had blood tests done on Tuesday, I am starting to feel a bit better.  I have read Allen Carr's book, over again.  Any one else find Chantix helped them to finally quit for good?

Christine13

I CAN DO IT!!!!

Posted by Christine13 Jun 15, 2018

I can do it!!!  I can keep my quit, and enjoy each day, without turning to the death sticks.  I must keep in mind that even tho Brian isn't with me anymore, that my life does have purpose.  Like the calm after the storm last night I am feeling much better today.  So..........I'm going to focus on the positives in my life and get busy with living smoke free.  Every day will bring it's own challenges, earlier this week, I just wanted to go be with Brian.  Today I have a fresh perspective, even at 63 years old I have something to offer.

Christine13

Day 2

Posted by Christine13 Jun 12, 2018

Hiiii.........I'm going to try to blog everyday to keep myself accountable for my quit.  I have learned all there is to learn about smoking and quitting, and up until now, NONE of it stuck!!!  Just what the heck was I thinking of.  No more sneaking around and betraying myself.  Ellen's blog yesterday really hit me!!  All the denial I've been in.  There is no magic, as much as I'd like it.  It's hard work, and I'm going to be working on my goal to finally become an Elder.

Worried about our dear friend Ellen.  I know her breathing was really bad, but that she started antibiotics.  I guess she is too sick to write or her computer crapped out.  I am thinking of her and still praying for better days for her.

Christine13

Plugging along.

Posted by Christine13 May 29, 2018

Hi to all my Ex family!  I am doing ok, here, am feeling a bit squirrely here today.  I realize I haven't been taking very good care of myself in a long time.  I finally went to the doctor today and have a severe eye infection that is affecting my vision.  He prescribed a strong ointment for me, and I also picked up a wet/dry mask.  It is immpertive to take care of this and my quit.  I will have to follow up with a specialist.  June 1st I start my 6th month without Brian and I am doing a lot better with that.  It still comes in waves, but not as often, just like the quit.  I had an opportunity to go to my sister and brother-in-law's cottage this last weekend and was totally smoke free and I didn't crave either.  I haven't been here much because I was busy planting my garden and pots, and I love the flowers!!  Somehow I will get through the day without smoking, today it seems to be bothering me a lot.  I will get out my quit kit.  

Christine13

Coming Up.

Posted by Christine13 May 9, 2018

Finally I am looking forward to the challenge of remaining smoke free.  Friday will be what would have been our 44th wedding anniversary.  It's only been 4 months since Brian passed.  I started over yesterday, and I am willing to really challenge all my moods and emotions without the cancer sticks.  Last week was a heck of a week, with much anxiety and panic about everything.  It will only happen now, because I'm willing to start a new life without Brian and do the things I really need to do to stay quit.  Already my lungs feel better and now I have my garden to work in and the nice weather to appreciate.  So many people here have been kind to me, and patient and supportive.  I am very grateful.

I pretty much isolated myself last week because I was feeling so terrible.  I spent too many days alone, and will take steps to avoid that in the week coming up.  I have been here a long time, and should have many years quit by now.

If it weren't for my EX family to keep me trying I would have given up a long time ago.  So now there is no more try, there is only do!  xoxo