I know I can get through this. I just feel like I have to be more careful than usual. I need to keep my self-esteem up there to help keep me from failing. Deep breath, hold it.. slowly let it out. Repeat.
My quit was last Christmas Eve at midnight (2016). About two weeks later my brother went to the hospital cause he began to have trouble breathing. He was having heart failure and his lungs were filling up with fluid. Then, he discovered he had stage 3 lung cancer, including in the limp nodes, and another spot in a bone at the top of his leg. He's 74 years old, and smoked his whole life I assume. All of MY life anyway, and that's 54 years. And he smoked a lot, as did most of my family my entire life. The minute he found out of the cancer, he quit smoking. Just like that. I was quite proud of him, even though it took such a drastic discovery and after so very many years, for him to do so.
He had daily doses of radiation in the leg until they were finished with that. In the mean time, he had to have two stents put into his heart and was told he may need a triple bypass in the future, but they wanted to work on the cancer first. He decided to began chemotherapy treatments on his lungs. I was saddened at that choice, but didn't know what else to tell him. It was pretty much an all day trip to the hospital each time. I believe it was 5 days a week. Every time he'd finish a round of chemo, his heart would begin to fail and lungs fill with fluid and he'd be back into the hospital. This happened about 5 times over 5 or 6 months, and he just kept getting weaker.
His last round of chemo was about 2 weeks ago. Last Wednesday (about a week ago), his heart failed again for the last time. The chemo did him in. He passed away that afternoon in the hospital. Between his son, my sister, and myself, we are taking care of all the arrangements. We're having a memorial gathering, but it isn't until another week and a half from now. I just put the obituary in the paper today. I'm struggling to keep myself strong enough to be able to focus on my own things that need focusing on. But, I am pushing through! Thank you everyone here for the support. It's so good to know there are others who understand the difficulties.
Okay, I think I'm good now. Thanks for listening as I release my words. 
Another deep breath in, hold it... Slowly letting it out. Thank you, God for walking with me. Amen.
Christine
N.O.P.E.
