Brenda_M

Help...Scared.

Blog Post created by Brenda_M on Aug 1, 2013

I LOVE the Daily Pledge. It was a great help to me when I first quit. And it is still helping me today, by serving as a gauge.

What?

I caught myself today, when Sheryl posted the Daily Pledge link. Everytime they post that link, I usually go pledge for a day. I should do more, but I don't always, especially since I generally feel very secure in my quit.

Today, though, I didn't want to pledge, and it's because I realized that I was thinking, you know, what if, later, I felt like smoking? The idea scared me and intrigued me, which scared me again. I guess the fear part and the actual WORK involved in schlepping to a store and actually saying the words, and pulling out money, and paying (none of which I can actually imagine) should be enough to ward off any danger, but...I dunno. I'm feeling weaker than I have in a long time, mentally, physically, and quittally. And I'm just so sad, and I hurt so much. I don't want to hurt any more. I don't know what you can do. I don't know what anyone can do. I don't think there's anything to be done, really. And I hate it.

I reached out privately to a friend (a lifeline!), and she said (much more nicely, of course), "Duh. Suck it up and go blog." So here I am, blogging for help. Please?

I'm editing, because I thought I'd mentioned that I did go make my pledge, after I reached out to my lifeline, but I guess I hadn't. I pledged, so I'm good for the next day or so. But I'm still scared.

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