Facing Fear

[Bonnie]

So...I got through the holidays (which have been an emotional landmine for me for decades), including the retail craziness at work (which started in November and is just now winding down), and celebrated my first smokefree year (also in decades) on 1/7/2019 and prepared for the winter slump which I typically experience in January/February.  The Christmas decorations are sitting on my dining room table ready to be put back in my little shed, which involves a lot of stairs for me and which I wish I had a little help with...but I don't...so it's on the list for this weekend since it isn't raining...Also have to deal with the leaves on the gravel in my yard which I haven't been able to deal with because of rain...and I don't really like bringing out the blower with the long cord (so easy to trip on and so noisy), so I'm going to see if I can do it with my little rake--I really dislike blowers...thought this little yard that came with my singlewide mobile home would be maintenance free, because it's all gravel, but it's not...thousands of tiny weeds sprout up...I'd rather deal with dirt anytime...and also need to deal with the yearend paperwork purge and filing that needs to happen...Three tasks I am not looking forward to and which I would use as an excuse to smoke more than my former half-pack-a-day to get accomplished...but not this year...lots of coffee--YES...nicotine--NO.

So I have my list of things to do, goals to meet, a budget that includes a small Social Security raise ($39!!!!--I got myself some dental insurance that almost is paid for with this raise!), the California minimum wage raise and paying down my Christmas debt before my birthday in April, and my exercise plan (which I haven't started ).  I'm going to see how it goes at work for now (I work at a Barnes and Noble that is adding a café right near my cashiering station...one of the reasons I liked my store was because it DIDN'T have a  café) but start looking at other possibilities to earn $$$.

I will turn SEVENTY in April...it is huge, people...bigger than 30, 40, 50, or 60.  At least for me.  I look and act younger than my age (I joke that it is because of my immaturity) and have excellent health.  I am very fortunate that way.  But I am not fortunate financially--I lost everything due to the Great Recession, starting with my well-paying fulltime job as a librarian, then my retirement savings, and then had to sell my house.  If the first escrow had gone through, I would have been alright, but it fell through and left the house in a terrible state with the termite work that the buyer had started and I had to hire a contractor to put it back in saleable condition, while paying the mortgage and also the rent on the house my daughter and I were sharing.  It was a nightmare--the kind of financial disaster from which you don't recover...not when you're 60.  After two years of living together, my daughter and I needed to move on and I had no idea where to go.  Didn't want to rent an apartment and they were too expensive anyway...so I saw this little mobile home for sale on the internet and went to see it and it had been refurbished and my antique dining room table fit in the kitchen and the color scheme went with my furniture and it had two large rooms and lots of light...a dove was nesting in one of the planters on the porch and that was my sign...that this was mine.  So I bought it and the same day I signed the escrow papers I found out I had a broken leg that hadn't been diagnosed properly and that I'd been walking on for 11 weeks (a little boy knocked me down on cement at my last job as a preschool assistant).  Was not a good day...I'm sure I smoked a lot...

But I persevered and moved in and emptied all the moving boxes myself and up and down the stairs (which I'm still supposed to avoid) and got no help from my daughters who both live less than 5 miles away.  I asked my one daughter to just help me move my dining room table to a new position and she rolled her eyes when I asked her.  Was going to quit smoking when I moved in but that didn't last long..

That will be four years ago in June...I have nice neighbors and it's OK here, but I miss the feeling of solid walls and the privacy of my old back yard.  At 650 sq. ft it's small, but I actually like the size and the fact that I can't just store things in my office or the large garage I once had.  I cannot "accumulate" . But I own the "coach" so have to do the homeowner maintenance and rent the space  (which I also have to maintain).  The space rent started going up $25/year a couple of years ago.  This is not a sustainable lifestyle for me in my current financial situation and I have a gut feeling that I'm not supposed to be here, that I have one more adventure in me and that this is not my last home.  I'm really not a city dweller...just living here makes me anxious...too many people moving too fast...

I got the bookstore job immediately after  my Workmen's Comp ran out--first and only interview I was granted and I got the job...it was so stressful I had to go back on my anti-anxiety medication...but I persevered and told myself I would give it six months...and now I'm one of the top salespeople (you have to sell memberships to be a "good employee") even though I have never sold anything in my life.  The job has been good for me in a lot of ways, besides buying my food and gas and spending money:  it has helped restore my self-confidence (after my daughters shunned me for being narcissistic and lot of other awful stuff), reaffirmed my gifts as a "people person" AND the stress of the job did not drive me back to smokes  (I have blown many a quit over work stress)..

You see, I have to work, at least as long as I have this little place.  I've just been taking it a day at a time, but I have to face the future, too.  It can be incredibly frightening for a "mature" single woman on her own to face this type of "retirement".  I know I'm not alone but I don't know anyone who is in the same situation.  So I turn to my God and get my strength...and I persevere.

So work's been the pits after Christmas (returns, gifts cards, the "clearance customer", the seasonal staff gone, the after holiday letdown that everyone feels and that fills the air) and I'm tired, but I've got my plan for the rest of the winter (start exercising like I used to before this draining job, pay down my Christmas debt, lose 10 lbs by my birthday so I won't be "overweight" on anybody's weight chart, go to the dentist, get the colonoscopy that I should have gotten 15 years ago) and when I get my lists and projects going and a plan in place and start checking off items, I feel ok and in control of what I can change and know I can make it through the dark months without just curling up into a ball and hibernating.

I had a really good day at work on Tuesday--one good day can last me quite a while--then came home to a renewal application for the utility discount program that I qualify for as a low-income individual.  I get a discount on my electricity and gas and get a free cellphone from the government because I'm low income.  It all helps a lot.

Well, because of my little job (more than what I got on Workmen's Comp) and the Social Security raise, I probably won't qualify for any of those anymore.  A good day with a bummer ending and a huge punch in the gut to my "just hang in there" strategy.  I just wanted to get to my birthday and then I would start exploring "possibilities"--get through the winter, turn 70 in good health, and then face the future, and with my Maker's help, figure out a solution so that financial fear is not constantly in the background of my life as it has been for the last 10 years.  I would really, really like that.  

But...life happens and it's not fair and it's been hard on me for a long time...I get weary of it...but I won't smoke over it.  Not anymore.  I come here and read other's postings and I am grateful for my health and grateful for my quit and grateful for EX and grateful for my little home and that I have food on the table and a roof that doesn't leak (yet) over my head...in the midst of my plodding along I feel INCREDIBLE GRATITUDE, probably more than I've ever experienced in my life..and I feel it on a regular basis...the fear pops up, BUT I DON'T SMOKE OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just say my prayers, make my "to do" lists, thank God for what I have today, and persevere.

I have faced many things during this FOREVER quit that would have driven me to smoke in the past...the job, the holidays, the way my daughters treat me, the way some of my young coworkers treat me, the way some customers treat me, the loneliness, the stress, the fear, but this is my forever quit and it is golden...I can be proud of myself for accomplishing this, and I couldn't have done it with my EX family.  I have grown in how I handle difficulty since I quit smoking...and it is a precious gift that cannot be taken away EVER and that I gave myself.  And the new maturity came as a surprise bonus.

Yes, I'm an ELDER, in more ways than one...I'm going to be SEVENTY in April...many people don't get that privilege, I'm one of the fortunate ones and I must be here for a reason.  More will be revealed...and I get to face the rest of my life SMOKEFREE.

Thanks for being here...going to go make another cup of coffee and get to my chores.

Love,

Bonnie

376 DOF