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Bonnie Blog

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Bonnie

MY FRIENDS....

Posted by Bonnie Apr 1, 2020

Yes, you.  All of you.  Some in particular who helped me get to 815 Days of Freedom, but ALL of you who are here.  Love this site and love being an EX.  Here's a little music to hopefully brighten your day, from an Oldie but Goodie who is no longer with us.  One of a kind.  Special.  Unique.  Just like each and every one of YOU.

 

Joe Cocker - With A Little Help From My Friends (Live) - YouTube 

 

Now, off to my garden.  Have a good day.  Thank GOD for technology that we can all stay in touch.

 

Love,

Bonnie, a NICOTINE ADDICT who has been Free and Healing for Two Years, Two Months, Twenty Five Days, 12 Hours and 9 Minutes (815 days), while extending my life expectancy 28 Days and 7 Hours, by avoiding the use of 8155 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $4,217.29.

Bonnie

You Just Can't Do It...

Posted by Bonnie Mar 5, 2020

Bonnie

777 Days!

Posted by Bonnie Feb 23, 2020

Seven is my favorite number. I live at Space 43 in my park; when I bought my little tin can, I considered it a good sign.  Today was a great day.  My best friend's family is selling her family home and I got a beautiful iron bed from her to put on my porch.  It is extremely heavy, solid iron, not like those day beds that are basically tubing.  Her son was kind enough to break it down, trailer it to my place and set it up.  I love being outside and always wanted a sleeping porch. Now I have one!  Some mosquito netting and I'll be good to go this summer.  When the Delta breeze kicks in around sunset, I can be outside, enjoying it! She also gave me the yellow "palm tree" outdoor lamp that you can barely see behind the headboard. These were both completely unexpected free gifts...

I fell in love with the bed when I first saw it, with its birds and ivy--just my style--but had no idea at the time it would become mine.  Life has been incredibly bountiful lately...

 

Two people in two different scenarios told me today I had a beautiful voice.  No one has ever told me that in my whole life.  When my aunt was dying and I was singing to her to ease her pain, my mother told me to be quiet, that I was singing off key.  That was a few decades ago, but it affected me... until my mother died.  And then I would only sing at home, or in church, or then sometimes with the singing group here at the park.  I stopped going to the singing group because it's the same night as my granddaughter's gymnastics class and she really appreciates me being there.  I do sing in church and sing as loudly as I want.  The young Worship Team leader, who is fairly new, said she always looked at me when she was in front of the congregation.  That made me feel good.  I love her choices of music and had a secret desire to join her up front.  We don't have a choir; there is just Mia with her guitar, one of two women playing the piano, one of two young men who play guitar, a drummer, and one of two mature women who sing with Mia.  I wanted to be one of those women, but didn't know how to go about asking.  Well, after the first of the year, an email went out asking for volunteers.  Sunday school teachers, greeters, and new members of the Worship Team (the music team).  I thought about it for a couple of weeks and decided to take the plunge.  I went to my first meeting this morning and am going to sing tomorrow at church.  I am excited and nervous.  The people who told me I had a beautiful voice have nothing to do with the music team.  But hearing that from two different sources sure did help my confidence and relieve my anxiety a bit.  I still will be nervous, but won't be thinking that I sing offkey (my mother was a little deaf, which may have made a difference to what she heard).

Anyway, life is quite good these days...I'm stepping out and doing things I've never done before and I sure am glad I quit smoking.  If my voice is a gift God gave me, then I certainly wasn't taking good care of it by sucking on cancer sticks.

All I want to do is enjoy tomorrow and not trip going up and down the stairs to the stage . Say a prayer for me, please!

Bonnie

Those straws

Posted by Bonnie Feb 18, 2020

had to go.  I had two of them, clear ones cut the length of a cigarette, one on each little table where I drink my coffee.  Those urges have FINALLY subsided, although I'm still watching Mad Men (on the last season).  So I put them away in a drawer where I keep some of my candles and the matches I use to light them.  Opening that drawer last night I got a weird feeling when I saw them.  Realized they looked like they could be used as an accessory for a white powdery drug.  Also the fact that my granddaughter usually comes over once a week after school and she might see them and wonder what they were for.  It was also a flashback to my "closet smoker" days, hiding all the "tools" (lighter, ashtray, matches, long butts--yes, I would keep those as the smokes I smoked were expensive) in a place where no one who visited could possibly find them (or smell them, in the case of the butts, which I kept in a cigarette pack).  Oh my, the memories....

 

SO GLAD I DON'T

DO THAT

ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a wonderful, glorious, stupendous, kick-up-your-heels for joy if you can, dance down the street, sing with the birds, shout at the sky, SMOKEFREE Day!

 

Bonnie   ~772 DoF

Bonnie

Mad Men

Posted by Bonnie Feb 10, 2020

Is my most recent addiction.  I discovered "binge series watching" when I had shingles last year and since I've never been much of a TV watcher, except for old movies, there is a bunch of stuff out there waiting for me to get addicted to.  "Grey's Anatomy" got me through shingles and I haven't found any other series as gripping until "Mad Men".  Never been to New York, didn't know anything about the advertising field, and I enjoy all the background details: the clothes, the décor, the way history is woven into the story, the fact that it all takes place pre-high tech...I'm hooked!

 

And boy, DO THEY SMOKE!  Almost EVERYONE smokes.  ALL THE TIME. EVERYWHERE.  Pregnant women smoking (and drinking).  Smoking in restaurants, smoking at the family dinner table.  Last night a main male character held a baby up and had a cig dangling from his mouth.  Now that was rather shocking to observe from today's viewpoint.  It made me realize that some things HAVE improved in this world .  

 

It also made me realize that, subliminally, the show may have contributed to those urges I've been having.  Even though rationally and consciously I've been thinking "yuck!" while watching the show, the addict in me is probably saying "yummy!  let's go do it, too!"  When I first started my quit, I would stay away from old movies that made smoking look glamorous.  There is SO MUCH smoking in "Mad Men" that it's a turn-off, at least that's what I thought.

 

I plan to finish watching it--have a couple of seasons to go--but I'm happy to report that I had no smoking urges over the weekend, even though I did indulge (in "Mad Men").  I'm thinking of it now like being around a bunch of smokers in real life: you may feel secure in your quit, but you must remain ever vigilant.

 

Let's all have a safe and healthy week of FREEDOM FROM NICOTINE!

Bonnie

764 DOF

Bonnie

Peter Max had it right!

Posted by Bonnie Feb 6, 2020

I know I've posted the bottom poster here before, but just found the top one on the 'net.  Both were part of an American Cancer Society campaign on college campuses in 1969-70.  I was smoking in those days, but wish I had seen (and bought) both or either of these.  Quit smoking in 1971 and picked up again five years later to lose weight for a man, thinking I could quit again "anytime".  Silly woman!  I'm going to figure out how I can copy the top one...I would love to have it in my home somewhere, even with the paperclips...

Bonnie

Ain't gonna lie....

Posted by Bonnie Feb 5, 2020

I've been having a lot of whatever you call them after two years smokefree...not a craving, not an urge, not anything as horrible as physical withdrawal was, but I've been having more than I want to have...those "thoughts"....DANG!  The addictive brain has been altered permanently...I can certainly vouch for that these days.  I have always known that I was very emotionally addicted to cigs...every relapse was triggered by some emotional trauma (or perceived trauma).  From the very beginning, I coped with my emotions with nicotine, that's actually why I started smoking...which meant I didn't really deal with my emotions at all.  I learned how to do that over the past two years (with a LOT of help from my EX family) and here, now, after a relatively smooth ride through year two....here they come, those thoughts, those damn thoughts...and why, why are they coming NOW?

I'll tell you why.  Couple reasons...First of all and it's really a head-shaker but after 70+ years on this earth I know myself a little bit and when things GET GOOD, I mean where there hasn't been some kind of crisis for a couple months (I used to tell myself that if my family didn't have a crisis for 3 months, I could quit smoking for good...LOL!!!! Well, that was a guarantee I could keep smoking back then!), I start looking over my shoulder and deep-down, start preparing for what is to come. My history tells me that if it's been good for a little while, it's not going to be good for very much longer.  

My life is good right now.  Finances have always been a huge factor in my life and it was really SCARY to quit my part-time incredibly stressful minimum wage job, but it got to the point where physically and mentally I just had to quit.  Knew I wasn't going to make it through another holiday season of retail madness.  So...I quit my job...Well, now I know that I "retired".  Due to the Great Recession, I wasn't afforded the opportunity to voluntarily retire from a job and have been at loose ends since then.  Caregiver, volunteer, preschool worker (where my leg got broken), on disability...blah, blah, blah, sad story, had to sell my home of 26 years where I poured all my creative energy, first escrow fell through, more sad story, blah, blah, blah, but I had my cigs to see me through and God knows I needed something.  So...fast forward to today...Things are good.  I've owned my little trailer for almost 5 years...hard to believe...never even did the touchup painting that needed to be done after I moved in because I had the fear that if I got everything "just so" I would lose this place like I lost my beloved "big house" after I finally had the funds to remodel the kitchen and finally get a dishwasher, etc.  Amazing the wounds that experiences can burn into your brain, your heart, your soul...But if you smoke to deal with the pain, you never really get over it.  THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED THE FIRST YEAR OF MY QUIT.  So...I bore the pain, the pain of the past, the stress of the present, the worry about the future.  It didn't kill me. I had the help of my friends here, and I didn't pick up.  I moved on, I gained self-respect, and I put my "big girl panties on" (at 70, finally!) and started dealing with what I could and turning the rest over to GOD.  Plain and simple.  Simple but not easy.

So...I quit my job and couldn't face looking for another...Really, look for jobs on Craigslist and careerbuilder.com and send out my resume?  Not this time.  This time I'm gonna turn the whole darn thing over and just enjoy the present.  Seriously.  Got a little savings...I can always sell my "coach" and buy a car I can live in and get me another pitbull (I miss having a dog).  And travel...miss that...always an option..there's ALWAYS an option.  and as long as I felt HOPE and didn't feel HOPELESS (just realized that relapsing on cigs always made me feel so awfully HOPELESS), life was good.  I had my health and with most people I know my age having so many health issues or already gone, oh my goodness, I had something to be grateful for every day.  Every morning that I woke up.  And I wasn't smoking to "deal" with life.

Oh, I'm so rambling...Blogging is journaling, right?  And now that I have my laptop back (it wasn't in good shape for a couple months) I'm so happy just to type away...So...I turned my whole situation over to God.  Left Barnes and Noble on Friday, Sept. 13th (Friday the 13th has been a lucky day for me), and it actually took me a long time to recover.  I had been there a year and a half.  My sister with retail experience told me she was really proud of me to have lasted that long.  Had to deal with the fear of financial insecurity big time.  But my faith never wavered and I just rested and prayed and stayed positive.  Had a great holiday season.  Relationships with both my daughters better than they have ever been since I can remember.  Grandson got a darling rescue dog that I got to take care of the first week he was home while his family was at work and school.  Get to pick my granddaughter up at school on Tuesdays and go to gymnastics with her.  Have the energy to be more involved with my church (am going to sing with the Worship Team starting this month...big deal for me to sign up).  The finances aren't great, but they're better than I predicted.  I've committed to my tiny home and have a lot of projects planned...even ideas to make some $ (always loved being self-employed more than working for someone else...usually had a business AND a job with a paycheck at the same time, until I got divorced).

So..things are good...and I want to smoke.  First reason?  Because things are going well.  My background has programmed me to be highly anxious when things go well.  Why?  Because one of these days the other shoe's gonna drop and the s*** is gonna hit the fan.  Guaranteed. Happened ALL THE TIME growing up.  And if you know anything about the cycle of abuse...well, the good times are great, but it's gonna get bad any day now...and that's what I dealt with in my marriage to my girls' dad. So...it's in my programming and I'm aware of it and it's kinda the pits but I can deal with it...if I feel that anxiety it's because THINGS ARE GOING WELL.  IT DOESN"T MEAN THAT THINGS ARE GONNA TANK SOON...THAT'S THE PAST...NOT THE PRESENT, NOT THE FUTURE.  Got it, Bonnie?  Good!  Good girl! No reason to smoke.  YOU DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE!

OK, Now What?  Oh yeah, hanging out with my best friend.  The almost-chain smoker.  Supporting her while she is in charge of all the material possessions at her family residence, since her mom has passed and her stepdad has been moved to assisted living due to Alzheimer's. Lots of family history here, not my story, but we are close friends (lived next door to each other for 24 years) for a reason and were smoking buddies for decades.  Sitting at her kitchen table, drinking coffee and smoking tons of cigs for hours...so grateful for the friendship during those years we were both single moms raising our kids. So...now we're still friends but she still smokes and I don't.  And she smokes a lot.  Never tried to quit.  And we're spending a lot of time together.  At her mom's house.  Emotional for her.  I want to be supportive.  I can still drink the coffee.  But I don't smoke.  But I'm getting those "feelings" as we sit at her mother's kitchen table, drinking coffee, she's showing me old photographs, etc.  And I can't eat my sunflower seeds in the shells anymore because of my aging teeth.  So...what do I do?  Somehow at home I think of a straw.  And I find a straw. A plastic straw just the right length.  Think I must have kept it for my grandgirl.  I put it to my lips and inhale and voila!  Problem solved!  THANK YOU, GOD!  I put that straw in my purse and when I head up to my friend's mom's house to help her again I have my straw and I whip it out when we sit down again and she starts the chain-smoking routine (with the door open).  Problem solved.  Simple. Weird. Grateful. SMOKEFREE.  New crutch: plastic straw the length of a cigarette.  It works for me.  After two years?  Don't care.  It works. And I can hang it from my mouth like all the hardcore smokers do but that I never did. In fact, got it in my mouth right now.  Uh oh, a new addiction.  Don't care.  Maybe better start hoarding plastic straws before they become illegal.

Bonnie ~760 DOF (some of them hardwon)

Bonnie

Oh my, what a surprise

Posted by Bonnie Jan 12, 2020

Hit 2 years nicotine-free 5 days ago. Since my laptop is being repaired, I wasn't following my normal routine of logging onto Ex, checking my Quit app, even remembering my quit date, tho I remember now I picked the 7th because 7 is one of my favorite numbers (the other is  13). I have had soooooo many start dates . Anyway, because I was basically offline and it was not my first smober anniversary which was a BIG deal, day came and went with little significance. Like a good friend told me, the second year would be easier than the first. And she was right.

HOWEVER, for the last three evenings I have wanted to smoke. Not constantly, but more than one "thought" each evening.  What a surprise! I just kind of shook my head and observed the phenomena. Three nights in a row. That nicodemon is cunning, powerful and..oh I forget the last word. Baffling? That could be it. Because the truth is, depression, anxiety,  anger and hopelessness would get me to relapse over and over, but today life is good. I had a great Christmas day (which included the ex) with both my daughters and all the grandkids. My relationship with both of them is better than it's ever been (this has taken a lot of prayer, patience and letting go of a lot of baggage on my part). I am content with my present, hopeful for the future and accepting of the past. I accomplished technical tasks to secure my laptop to mail that amazed me..in my smoking days I would have been a frustrated, impatient mess. I am doing stuff on my phone in the meantime I was too stubborn to learn how to do before, like figuring out how to get on Ex, access my email accounts, etc. I am not inclined towards technology, even though I worked at Intel for 9 years and left as an IT systems engineer (Ha ha), but even old dogs can learn new tricks and I have to say I'm quite proud of myself. The weather was gorgeous today and I spent all day outside working in my yard, which is one of my favorite things to do. Came in, put on some music, cooked a healthy dinner talked to a close friend on the phone did some planning for next week...all in all s lovely day...and Bam there it was..the thought...the sneaky damn thought of an addictive brain.  Wow. It can hit when the s*** hits the fan and it can hit when life is incredibly sweet. Be forewarned, dear people. Once an addict, always an addict.

Thanks for being here.

Bonnie @734 DOF

Bonnie

7-Eleven

Posted by Bonnie Dec 19, 2019

711 Days for me smokefree...but that means no more 7-Eleven stores for me and that's perfectly OK.  I don't need to "stop by", "swing by" "drop by" or "drop in" a convenience store to get my nicotine fix.  So freeing it is, to no longer need to make that extra stop on the way home, on the way to drive that commute, on the way to Christmas dinner, on the way to anywhere!

 

Newbies, stay the course, it's hard to believe but when I "feel" like I want a smoke these days (and yes, that still does happen, around this time of year especially)  I just shake my head and might even laugh out loud.  It ain't gonna happen, no way, tease me all you want, you NicoDEMON, I'm NEVER gonna jump back on that slippery slide called SMOKING CIGARETTES...ugh!   

 

Life may be hard, and maybe it just gets harder in a lot of ways, but one thing about living for an exsmoker just gets easier and that's to stay smokefree.

 

Telling the truth,

Bonnie ~711 DOF

Bonnie

THANK YOU

Posted by Bonnie Dec 17, 2019

For being the first of these

I am enjoying a quiet but joyous holiday season.  No working the retail madness this year!  My decorations are the Christmas cards I've received, my Christmas cactus which is blooming profusely, the solar twinkle lights that I never took down from last year and, of course, my year-round indoor Norfolk pine.  Didn't feel like putting out all the stuff that's stored in my shed this year and am enjoying everyone else's efforts immensely. The park's Christmas carol singalong two Sundays ago was fun, the Christmas dinner will be great, and I'm looking forward to my church's Christmas Eve service...more singing...YES!!!!

Belafonte's "Mary's Boy Child" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8N8aNhbnP-Y

 

My family (ex-husband included) will gather at my oldest daughter's for turkey and ham.  I offered to bring the mas

hed potatoes but the request has come from my grandboys for scalloped potatoes.  Let's hope the recipe I found on the 'net will work, as I'm determined to do them in my pretty crockpot (bought last year) and am not going back to the store for cheese or half-and-half or canned soup.  Scalloped potatoes are made with potatoes, flour, butter, and milk and I will make the white sauce as the recipe describes...just hoping they turn out as well as the baked version I always made (and never measured anything).

 

I have fought the depression devil and won, with exercise, decent eating and most of all, loving myself, no matter what.  So much easier to do when I'm not sticking stinking cigs in my mouth to stuff my feelings.  When I start going down the "poor me" pity path I just "flip the switch" (advice from my daughter) and realize, more often than not, that it's because I didn't sleep well, or let regret or longing take hold of my emotions.  Silly me!  I have so much to be grateful for and my dear EX family will always be right there at the top of the list.

 

I wish you all PEACE and CONTENTMENT, GOOD HEALTH, and a NICOTINE-FREE LIFE.

Love, Bonnie ~709 DOF

 

Life is bristling with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to cultivate one's garden.

Voltaire

"word of the Day" from gratefulness.org

So, this past week at work included a bomb threat with an arrest, a shoplifter I tried to "catch" (first and last time I do that!), a mentally-challenged woman who said she felt dizzy (low blood sugar)--but what a swirl with training paramedics from the university being really immature about her condition & the security guard on his little unicycle hovering over the scene--and a woman customer yelling at me at the top of her lungs as she left the store shaking her book at me (first time for that, too). I "called off" yesterday...just not worth it....FIFTEEN MORE DAYS (they don't know officially yet that I'm leaving, but I'm sure the handwriting is on the wall).

 

Got some errands done yesterday and treated myself to a delicious burger & fries lunch my daughter recommended.  I rarely eat like that, but the food was fresh and good and I ate every bite.  Came home and putzed around the house and checked my email in the late afternoon. Results back from fecal test I completed last week (you oldtimers know the routine).  Was so proud of myself not to procrastinate this time like I usually do.  Anyway, the results came back POSITIVE.  I just stared at the page...OH, S****!  Literally!!!!  And my doctor--who I've only seen once and was not impressed--is getting out of outpatient work and is handing me off to another doc on the 12th (got a letter in the mail) and I can't even look her up to see if I want her as my new doc, and when I sent an email to my current doc to see what the next step is, I got an out of office reply that he won't be back til the 10th.  Well, I have to admit, by now I'm freaking out.  And OF COURSE, it's 4:15 on a Friday afternoon. I am WAY overdue for a colonoscopy (like 15 years...long story...partly my fault, partly not) and my aunt died of colon cancer.  Called the "advice nurse" line and got put on hold ("the nurse that will take this call is leaving in 15 minutes") for so long that I hung up and called again, after plugging in my phone that is not taking a charge these days (need a new one--will order that today).  So...I'm standing in the bathroom (and yes, my back definitely hurts again by now) with my phone plugged in because I can't bend over to plug it in anywhere where I can sit or lay down, and I'm having a meltdown with the young man who answers the phone the second time (at least he is a native English speaker).  He has to ask me unrelated questions like have I been to the Congo lately...blah, blah, blah.  Bottom line, I've got a phone appt. with yet another doc on 7:30 Monday morning.  So, yes, I can still go to work on Monday!

 

After I calmed down and did a little research online and thought about things (not just panic), I realized I had been taking a LOT of Naproxen (prescription strength ibuprofen) for my back and have been having signs of intestinal discomfort, etc.  Also eating a lot of cheese and drinking milk even though I think I'm lactose semi-intolerant now.  I really dislike not being able to eat whatever I want like I used to.  THE GOOD OLD DAYS.  And being a Taurus, yes, a bit stubborn , I just continue to eat what I want in moderation and since the symptoms aren't that bad I just ignore them.  But I think my gut is telling me to NOT BE IN DENIAL.  SOMETHING I'M SOOOOO GOOD AT (like with the CIGS).

 

So...if you believe in a Higher Power, please pray for me.  I've been blessed with excellent health and am not used to this, plus the bureaucracy that is KAISER and the medical profession (I've had my share of awful medical practice, including my daughter and I almost dying when I gave birth to her).  I know it's just a test and the blood could be from my intestinal tract/stomach, not polyps (they removed some 15 years ago), but I'm still concerned.  I did let my daughters know (via text, of course) and they both were supportive, which made me feel better.  I'm not telling anyone else but you guys right now.  Thanks for "listening".

 

Didn't even think of smoking.  And the dairy, wine and coffee are off the list, too, now (sigh...) And I have someone to take me to the colonoscopy and stay there as they have to now (the main reason I didn't get one the last year).  So I'm good today...my back hurts a little so I didn't go detail my car like I wanted to and I'm not doing all the housework I usually do on Saturdays, but no more ibuprofen for me...just a heating pad and a cup of tea with honey...sigh again...Sometimes this getting older deal isn't so much fun.

 

Aloha,

Bonnie

608 DOF

Bonnie

600 Days...what a week!

Posted by Bonnie Aug 31, 2019

It's been a bit of a rough week.  On Monday I fell in my little garden area kicking at a nandina stump I want to get rid of.  Not a wise thing to do--I was already dressed for work and was just killing time basically. Ha!  That'll learn me!  I fell backward hard on my rear on my cement pathway.  The main hurt was my left wrist...I took a naproxen, wrapped it with an ace bandage and headed to work.  Asked my supervisor for the back cashwrap area (a lot less busy than the front) and had a good day, went to Sprouts to grocery shop afterward and then got stuck in nightmare surface street traffic due to a fatal accident on the heavily-used street that goes directly from my place to work. Was sent on a wildgoose chase by the policeman directing traffic off that road (not his fault, he sent us the only way to go) and didn't get home til almost 2 hours later (it usually takes 15 minutes).  My back wasn't happy by this time, but I kept thinking I was grateful not to be involved in the accident--a hurt wrist and sore back were nothing compared to a headon car accident.

 

Could barely get out of bed Tuesday morning--my back was pretty bad. Called off work and was able to get my heating pad out of the closet and plugged in...knew I just couldn't lay there all day and after deciding I would keep taking the naproxen I get for my knee (and rarely take), and doing some stretches, etc. I was in much better shape at the end of the day.  I ended up grateful that night, too, especially since I had Wednesday off work.

 

Woke up feeling good on Wednesday, so good I sat at my dining room table in the morning with my coffee and worked on a jigsaw puzzle 'til noon.  WRONG!  My back was not good after all that sitting...Second not-so-smart thing I did last week.

 

Went to work on Thursday (had found a little wrist brace I had bought years ago and wore that to work to hide the bad bruising) and had a really good day--supervisor put me at the back again and I was able to cashier and even empty the cart holding the gift merchandise that belongs in that area--it was fun putting away all the new calendars, journals, dayplanners, etc.--we sure carry some pretty (and expensive!) merchandise.  Went home and fixed the big salad I usually eat for dinner on Mondays and proceeded to chip a front tooth on my fork. I was afraid to go look at it, but it wasn't as horrible as it had sounded. I got out my nail file and gently smoothed the rough edge but I had to keep looking at it all night until I convinced myself it wasn't bad (it's really not, but vanity, you know).   Went to bed grateful that it was just a little thing and realized I have to start being more careful with how I eat now that I'm "mature"...sigh...so far THREE "little" lessons this week....

 

Yesterday was Friday (TGIF) and I went to work, but had to work the front because the coworker in the back had to replenish the magazines (we have hundreds of magazines).  I must have waited on at least 60 people in 2 hours.  My wrist started hurting and I told my boss and he basically sent me home (I had gotten 4 memberships in 2 hours and so was still in great standing). Came home to a mess in my tiny front yard--the palm tree folks were trimming the trees on my street and had moved my potted plants and not put them back and there were hundreds of palmtree berries all over...everywhere.  I called the park management and it got taken care of, but not before I just broke down in tears when I was by myself.  After calming down, I realized I was very grateful I had been sent home early from work because I was able to get this situation rectified as soon as possible.  Otherwise I would have had to look at the mess all weekend and try to deal with it after the holiday weekend.

 

What a week!  Just a bunch of "stuff" compounded til I cried.  But it was a release to cry (I used to smoke instead of cry) and I was still in one piece (bruised, chipped, and sore) and my little yard looks nice again.  After a glass of wine (ok, two BIG glasses of wine) and getting into my jammies and watching some Golden Girls (I love that show) I went to bed, thanked GOD for getting me through a challenging week and got nine hours sleep.  I feel GREAT today!

 

I did reach 600 days nicotine-free yesterday.  As a former chronic relapser, I am proud of this.  However, the most amazing thing is that NEVER during this week did I think of smoking.  In the "old days" (that's what I call my former smoking life) I would have been up to a least a pack a day (I was a halfpack-a-day smoker) and would have felt worse mentally and physically, and would have spent $$$ I didn't have to feed my addiction.  When I was really "up" during most of this summer, the thought of smoking did enter my mind a few times.  The addictive mind is such an interesting one!

 

If you get to this point and you're a newbie, I just want you to know that there WILL come a time--it could be a stressful time (I always broke a quit under stress)--when YOU WILL NOT CONSIDER SMOKING AS AN OPTION.  It sounds like a miracle, but it does happen.

 

Grateful to get through this week in one piece, grateful to be a nonsmoker, and grateful for YOU.  Have a safe and hopefully smokefree weekend!  

Bonnie

601 DOF

Bonnie

Tonight

Posted by Bonnie Aug 9, 2019

I'm tired, emotionally exhausted, drained, not enough sleep, etc....It has been a very challenging week so far--younger daughter having surgery, me taking care of the three grandkids while both daughters head to S.F. to get it done, managing these 5 relationships that are complicated and interactive and so fulfilling and challenging at the same time, while I could really use a vacation (HUH? what's that?--my last (unpaid) planned vacation from work was taken up by a case of shingles, and this week off is not a FUN thing, but a good thing) yadda yadda yadda...and it's all good...we all love each other and got through it--but "Nonnie"  (that's me), is the most tired one.  Thank GOD my older daughter is a natural mother and is doing the driving that needs to be done, but she's a bit bossy at the same time and needs to be in control, so I just let her....at least she's talking to me these days (LOL!).

 

So..relationships:   Good.  This is very important to me.

       little garden:    Good.  I have 5 baby zucchini!  And some new Japanese eggplant!  

       health:  Very good, but... My knee doesn't hurt because I haven't worked this week .  It hasn't hurt since I started this job over a year ago, but with the "takeover" (Barnes and Noble was sold to a hedge fund and it hasn't been a positive thing for the low man on the totem pole--me: the cashier) I am being run ragged. My days are numbered at Barnes and Noble, but that's another post that I probably will never publish because it's so negative and I don't think anyone can possibly understand unless they worked at my shop.  As a cashier.  The #1 salesperson/cashier quit last week.  I had already decided I wasn't going to make it through the holidays before she left.  'Nuff said

       finances:   Bills paid this month and plan in place for the near future.

       attitude:  Positive and holding. So grateful my daughter's surgery went well.

       creativity:  Bursting at the seams.  Lots of ideas...a sign that I'm headed in the right direction--whatever THAT is!

       spiritual life:  in touch

       home:  getting so organized it's kinda scary.  Procrastination no longer is an option...YIKES!  The "to do" lists (I have them all over the place) are getting checked off!

 

So...just in the course of writing this, the urge/thought/compulsion/whatever has passed, but....I wanted to smoke....

So dang proud of getting through the morass of emotions I have dealt with this week that I had that thought...how amazingly ironic...after all the "wisdom" I have taken the time to try to share here on EX just yesterday....all I can say is:

LOL!!!!

Just proves that it does get easier, BUT....you can blow your quit in the moment you decide (your addictive brain decides) you have to have a cig....it's totally ridiculous, insane and nuts...really!

 

Thanks for being here, I have NO desire to do the stupid thing now.

 

Love you all,

Bonnie

579 Days of Freedom (FREEDOM IS A CHOICE-MAKE THE HEALTHY ONE!)

 

Bonnie

Having So Much Fun!

Posted by Bonnie Jul 21, 2019

Spending the $ I would have burned up in an ashtray the past year and six months or so. 

 

These are a few of the things I've purchased with my saved cig money:

1) A 3-wheel bike (will post pics when I find someone to help me put it together).

2) A new couch (bought online & wasn't sure of the process/quality/shipping process but it came this week and I LOVE it!)

3) Potting bench (always wanted one).

4) Ancestry.com DNA package (have wanted to do this for years)

5) Various & sundry personal indulgences: new pillows for my bed; creams, lotions and potions for my bod; some new duds & summer sandals

6) Stuff to create a little shaded garden area in my yard---SOOOO happy with this!  Needed some shade so bought a couple of those market umbrellas, new cushions for my settee & chair, plants to fill pots I already had, some solar lighting...can't wait for my best friend to see it today.  I spend a LOT of time out in my yard now because of this and it makes me HAPPY.

7) Ticket and Hotel Reservations to the Celtic Music Festival in Grass Valley in September.  Have wanted to go to this for a long time & my girlfriends from my Truckee days and I are making it happen for my 70 birthday celebration.  Can't wait!!!

 

This is a materialistic post, but one to remind those in the beginning of their quit that the rewards are many if you stay the course.  I didn't buy myself anything to mark my year anniversary as a non-smoker...took myself out to a rather bad meal to celebrate.  Just didn't have anything in mind that I wanted to mark the occasion.  

 

HOWEVER, I have "flipped the switch" to an attitude of ABUNDANCE rather than LACK. The  "poor me" 'tude --the one that got me to break many a quit--has gone BIG BYE-BYE. I LOVE myself enough now to GIVE MYSELF some things that provide me joy, comfort, and pleasure.  Smoking was always cloaked (for me) in an attitude of self-loathing, no matter how buried that feeling was, every time I relapsed that feeling just grew stronger...

 

All this "personal growth" AND physical "gifts" from just saying "NOT ONE PUFF EVER AGAIN" (NOPEA??? LOL) and sticking to it.  The good things that continue to happen because of this DECISION continue to be showered upon me.

 

May YOU feel the same blessings as you continue on your journey.  The path is not straight, often has ups and downs and unexpected perils, but it is ALWAYS going in the same direction: up, Up, UP to FREEDOM...FREEDOM FROM ADDICTION!

 

Bonnie - Free and Healing for One Year, Six Months, Fourteen Days, 10 Hours and 3 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 19 Days and 11 Hours, by avoiding the use of 5604 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $2,867.63.

Bonnie

It's my Friday

Posted by Bonnie Apr 11, 2019

and it's been a strange and wonderful week...According to social media today there was going to be an "active shooter" at the mall today where I worked...not into social media but my coworkers informed me...very slow customer-wise for our store, but that turned out to be a good thing...I sold more memberships than I ever had in the past year (told my boss that my "demographics" aren't involved in social media so they came in and bought a membership...LOL!!!! 

My daughter's teacher union had a strike day today and she went to the rally...long story but am so proud of her...she came home safe, as did I.,

Joining my church on Easter Sunday. Have never been a "joiner" (did 12-step for awhile) but this church has been so embracing..just like EX has been...a year for both? Interesting...always felt like an outsider, but have to say, the last year has been AMAZING...because I FINALLY quit smoking???????????????????????

All I want to say is I don't feel like such an OUTSIDER...When I was a smoker, well, smoking helped me stay there...as long as I smoked, that's where I wanted to be...outside...on the fringe...

But now?  I don't mind being "a part of", I still love my solitude..but when I'm alone, I don't sit there and smoke, and think about OTHERS, and how they "did me wrong"...I just come home, be glad for being able to get home and be safe, and have food to eat, and things to do...ok, I'm rambling...

but I AM HAPPY, GRATEFUL, CONTENT, HEALTHY, 

NOT angry, resentful, bitter, or afraid..

Life can be a miracle...that's all from me