Not Sure About This

Blog Post created by All4Railroads on Jun 29, 2015

I quit on November 10, 2010 and until September 2014 I had not had anything to smoke--then my dad died.  So I ended up smoking an occasional cigar (once every 8 weeks or so) while drinking and honestly it didn't kick me off the wagon at the time.  What happened was I ended up smoking cigarettes after another major family milestone that occured this past April and now I'm sneaking an occasional cigarette.  I buy a pack and I'll smoke one or  two--sometimes more--and then I'll throw the pack away and I won't smoke for another week or two. I would say I've probably smoked two packs since April.

Anyway I can't tell if I'm actually falling off the wagon or if I can become a responsible smoker.  Is there such a thing?  At this point do I need to reset the date counter or would that do more harm than good to my mental state?  I feel like if I start thinking I'm quitting all over again I might as well start actually smoking all over again while I'm at it so I can at least enjoy the ride.

On top of all this I'm in kind of a bad cycle now.  I get depressed when I'm coming off nicotine and I've also just been a little depressed in general lately.  So I end up smoking to get a pick up, then I end up dropping twice as low because I'm already on the way down and that's compounded by nicotine withdrawl. 

Today I'm Jonesin.  No big deal.  Just the usual.  To everybody here becoming an ex--you don't have to smoke after 4 years as an ex--this is just my story. Thanks everybody for reading.